My second entry. this morning i met with Maurice. I came in without much feeling or thoughts. I didn't feel happy. I didn't feel sad. I didn't feel clean. i didn't feel guilt. Numb.
Here is my latest rut. I make the best of life. that doesn't seem like a rut. but it can be when you make no improvements or are content being a partial addict. "well, I don't really care this week.. I am going to enjoy life anyway." those were my thoughts last week. I am not married. not too keen on the idea. No kids. No salary job with benefits. No house payments or even rent. I am what the Prophet refers to as "coasting through life."
even now I don't have super strong reasons to fight. but here is what I do want. I want to be successful. I want a life devoted to building God's kingdom. I realize that i have too much "fun" at times. Maurice talked about how he isn't so concerned with that anymore. he lives to destroy the work of Satan and see young men and women regain their lives.
so i will begin to daily remind myself of who I want to be or want to become, more than just "i fight..." I'm the kinda guy who is good at making routine plans and achieving goals. i enjoy that. Recovery is one goal that consistently eludes me. It requires strength from others. I think I enjoy solving issues with my own intellect then I can truly be proud of my achievement because it is mine. Recovery wont be the same way.
I will adhere more to "mosaic rituals" the Morning Routine- MR (prayer, scripture study 30 mins, read 3X5 cards, write a Why I Fight, review day), border patrol BP (pray at every interval, review objective, monitor mood, slow down a tad), Evening Routine- ER (review day, prophecy how i will defeat Satan, report to my support group) I can win most any day with those things in place. It requires a great deal of discipline.
Another technique. Master-Slave relationship. I will take Sunday mornings to plan out my week. i have been doing this for years anyway. I will set up all my MR, BP, ER goals. Spiritual goals. Workouts. Activities, Down time, dates (if existent). I will sign a personal contract to stick to the program. During the week, I become a slave to the program. Choice, desire, energy level are no longer options. You do the work or you get whipped. (hopefully I don't become shizophenic like Gollum or something) Then it wont be a matter of "should I...?" but more "I must...no questions about it".
I am also planning the exact time and day of when I lose battles. To slowly improve. I will do everything in my power today, Tuesday, Wednesday to win. I will do all the techniques i know work. I will then lose at 9 am on Thursday morning. Since last week was 2 times a day for 4 days straight, surviving until Thurs morning will be a challenge in itself.
My next major step is to look at life in terms of my stewardships and duties. I may not have a family and all that but I intend to in the next couple of years. I will begin to realign my life and thinking to train like I am.
I am training for an Olympic Triathlon on August 27. The next two months will be to prepare for that and to make REAL progress in recovery. I will retrain my brain and lifestyle. I want a clear, clean mind to begin school again in the Fall.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
My debut via the Blog
So i have wanted to do this for awhile now. I am quite the writer as far as journals are concerned. There is something very human about holding a pen in my hand and creating words and characters appear on tangible paper. But there is something of value of having a blog where I can post items that others can read as well.
that is my intent. this blog will be my vehicle for trying to sift out what happens in my mind and heart and concretizing it. In some cases it allows us to see things as they really are. We can then assess what it is that makes us tick and make adjustments as needed.
this is to be a log. more specifically a battle log. My victories and my defeats. What sort of battle am I fighting?? A battle that began a long time ago for me. and for many of us. The battle of our eternal souls, destinies, and divine agency. Well, sure, everyone is in that battle, but what is unique to mine?? It is unique but not unique to me.
I don't necessarily want to type up a novel but here is the very short version. i am an addict. An addict in every sense of the phrase. Physically, neurologically, emotionally. I am an addict of deviant sexual behaviors. And if I am still being too vague I'll spell it out....porn/masturbation. It is a bit unnerving typing them out like that. i never did care for those words....I have worse feelings for the actions themselves.
I am a long story with it all. I am still right in the middle of it. In fact, writing posts of my laptop in my bedroom can quickly turn into a battle (which i often lose)
The title derives from the Book of Mormon. Nephite were the "good guys" and Lamanites the "bad guys". I will use terminology in like manner. Not that I am not "mature" to use words like "penis" "erection" "masturbation" but simply because those words just sound weird. maybe I am a little innocent. The Nephite were warriors. They had to fight. The Lamanites want to kill them. They had to.
I am in the same predicament. I am fighting, but in very different ways. I work closely with a well-trained professional who implements such techniques. He, Maurice Harker, runs a group called Sons of Helamen. Largely for teenagers but older chumps like me are invited...although I have not made it to a meeting.
but like I said this is my debut. My official introduction. I wish to remain anonymous. I don't want to be known as "the addict guy" because I have a lot of other awesome attributes. And yes, I do fear men. And yes, I often fear men more than I fear God. I am working at that. If I was more bold and honest and humble before God, I probably wouldn't still be an addict.
I would hope that fellow addicts in their own lives could post/read/benefit from my words and me from theirs. I am open to whatever strategy/support they can offer because frankly, I am not really winning this battle too well.
that is my intent. this blog will be my vehicle for trying to sift out what happens in my mind and heart and concretizing it. In some cases it allows us to see things as they really are. We can then assess what it is that makes us tick and make adjustments as needed.
this is to be a log. more specifically a battle log. My victories and my defeats. What sort of battle am I fighting?? A battle that began a long time ago for me. and for many of us. The battle of our eternal souls, destinies, and divine agency. Well, sure, everyone is in that battle, but what is unique to mine?? It is unique but not unique to me.
I don't necessarily want to type up a novel but here is the very short version. i am an addict. An addict in every sense of the phrase. Physically, neurologically, emotionally. I am an addict of deviant sexual behaviors. And if I am still being too vague I'll spell it out....porn/masturbation. It is a bit unnerving typing them out like that. i never did care for those words....I have worse feelings for the actions themselves.
I am a long story with it all. I am still right in the middle of it. In fact, writing posts of my laptop in my bedroom can quickly turn into a battle (which i often lose)
The title derives from the Book of Mormon. Nephite were the "good guys" and Lamanites the "bad guys". I will use terminology in like manner. Not that I am not "mature" to use words like "penis" "erection" "masturbation" but simply because those words just sound weird. maybe I am a little innocent. The Nephite were warriors. They had to fight. The Lamanites want to kill them. They had to.
I am in the same predicament. I am fighting, but in very different ways. I work closely with a well-trained professional who implements such techniques. He, Maurice Harker, runs a group called Sons of Helamen. Largely for teenagers but older chumps like me are invited...although I have not made it to a meeting.
but like I said this is my debut. My official introduction. I wish to remain anonymous. I don't want to be known as "the addict guy" because I have a lot of other awesome attributes. And yes, I do fear men. And yes, I often fear men more than I fear God. I am working at that. If I was more bold and honest and humble before God, I probably wouldn't still be an addict.
I would hope that fellow addicts in their own lives could post/read/benefit from my words and me from theirs. I am open to whatever strategy/support they can offer because frankly, I am not really winning this battle too well.
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