So I think i'm going to take a little break from blogging. I have enjoyed hearing your thoughts and learning from your perspectives. I have even emailed a few of you and you've all given me great advice.
My recovery goes on. I continue with my group. I cracked last Tuesday. Wasn't doing all the dailies the beginning of that week. My emotions were off the day before. Lust hit and I just didn't think or react fast enough. It was all over in about 15 minutes. I was completely dazed. But I contacted people from my support group, called my sponsor, set up an appointment with the bishop, and let my girlfriend know. I felt bad but I didn't feel destroyed. I have learned that the lies, the secrecy are the worst part. Yes, it would be nice to be 100% perfectly sober for the next 5 years, but I can only handle this one day at a time. It is frustratingly slow. My girlfriend didn't guilt me, didn't hate me. She doesn't like it one bit but overall she is very proud of me. That makes me want to get back on my feet and keep going even better.
Yesterday I was reading a new blog and I realized that I often let the things i read affect me too much. I feel like unless i'm 100% perfect like i mentioned, I'm going to do nothing but destroy the wife, she'll always be mad at me, and life will be miserable. I feel like my future marriage will be just like my parents, which was absolutely horrible when i was a teenager. I read things and say to myself, "horrible!! I am never getting married!! Stupid terrible addiction!! I'll recover alone!!"
But it occured to me, and talking to my girl, that it doesn't have to be that way. I did tell her that if she intends on being in my life she is going to have to accept the fact that i may have to be gone once or twice a week for a meeting. I may have to do life differently. We will have to be cautious on everything we watch. We will have to have a lot of rules in place. It could very well be a rough ride. I wrote all this in a long email, but she doesn't have issues with that. She isn't looking at the short term but more on the long term which gives me alot of confidence.
I have noticed that alot of the posts lately have been more and more positive, more strength, a lot of discussion on boundaries, alot of hope, and alot of the WofPA healing/detaching and not all about the husband's addiction. I guess in a strange and difficult way, the addiction of someone else is causing you to work the atonement on your own level. That is what the 12 steps have been for me. "the Atonement for Dummies"
With that said, I'll have to check in every now and then, but I am going to pursue recovery and my relationship on what works for me and the girl. If I get down dire straits, I guarantee i'll be back on the blog getting it all out.
Day 7 today. One day at a time. I don't fear life or loss or recovery or even marriage anymore. I am hopeful for life....which i haven't felt in a long time.
