I needed to make a quick post. I am kinda hitting walls. i am at a cross roads. I can't seem to make a decision. I am not good at decision that have other people involved. I am still an addict. I am still completely powerless against lust. I am not powerless against my behavior. But my reaction to certain triggers...sometimes it is what it is. People allergic to peanuts are going to react to peanuts.
But I am not getting hopeless. I can still take this a day at a time, and let God help me clear the wreakage. This stuff goes deep. I am convinced that any issue we never dealt with....never goes away. I feel that goes for all people. My girlfriend's mom had a father that didn't pay her much attention. Now, she's older and still suffers the effects of it. Can we change?? How long does it take??
I have been in a relationship with an absolutely stellar girl for 7 months now. We get the question. "so...when's the wedding??" We have talked about it. Sometimes it's fun to talk about. Planning a future and all. But when I think of this addiction and what it does to us....forget it. Having faith is hard. I'm not going to sugar coat that. And it also doesn't help that I don't get clear answers on marrying her when I pray or attend the temple. Sometimes I feel I was meant to meet her so we could learn and then be prepared for something else. I'm struggling to hold on to the relationship.
Is marriage one big act of faith??? It seems so. I read several of the women out there who were stoked to be married, some knew the "secret" and some didn't. But just the same they loved the man enough to commit their lives to him. That is a huge responsibility on our end.
I continue to pray and seek recovery the best i can. It's tough. It's the hardest thing i've ever done. Giving up well-rooted fears is equally challenging. I am going through the fourth step and I realize more and more how much pain and anger I have harbored.
I am still winning (some battles are barely won) Some days I want to give in and stop resisting, but I plead and pray to God to let it pass. . I confess it out loud. I make calls and connect with another human being. Sometimes it goes away quickly....sometimes, not so quick.
I can do this with help and power of God.
"I can do all things through Christ which strengthenth me."
Day 45 today...
