Relapse

Ok, so I am writing a post. I don’t want to spend a ton of time on this because I have lots of things to do.  I snapped this morning. I cracked.  Last night marked day 51 of complete sobriety. Honestly, I enjoyed very good sobriety.  Now I was not immune to triggers or temptations, but I practiced recovery and surrender bc it works.  Well, the past two weeks, it has become harder and harder to attend meetings, read recovery literature.  This past two weeks have involved a car accident (destroying my car) and the girl I’m dating’s apartment catching fire. Not to mention grad classes at night and projects until midnight and waking up at 5.  It has been stressful. It has. Those are my excuses.

I needed to go to work early today because I didn’t finish a project on Thursday.  I got up at 4 and was to work by 5.  I check my emails and had an email from pinterest. Triggers, triggers, triggers.  (it doesn’t help that I had super erotic dreams last night..How much control over that do I have???)

I didn’t have it in me to resist.  It was over quick and immensely pleasurable.  I struggled the rest of the day.  I’m kinda numb right now about all of it. I feel super spiritually sick to my stomach.

And yes, over the past month and a half I have been dating a really nice girl. Seriously, her standards are higher than probably any girl I’ve ever known.  She is a solid girl. Modest and beautiful. Very righteous.  I feel like a super big hypocrite today. I do. And I know all the addicts are going to say, “oh, don’t beat yourself up.”  “Oh its okay. You’ve been sober. You’ve done so well.”  I have a hard time seeing it like that.  Relapsing and acting out is NOT part of recovery. It isn’t.

Well, I will be proud that I have done well recently. But I have to start at day one. I like the milestones. I am okay with being at day 1.  I am just going to live for today and then tomorrow and take everything one day at a time.

The biggest concern is what I am going to do with this girl.  So far I haven’t brought up that I am a porn addict.  I can’t think of a worst topic to bring up.  It’s sickening to have to tell someone.  It really doesn’t make sense. Some porn addicts are the nicest and most solid guys I know.  But we have this strange obsession to view inappropriate images of women.  We get in these moments where we are no longer humans but animals. It is kind of deplorable.  But it is what it is.  I have to be fully working steps 1, 2, 3 daily.  The moment I feel I have this addiction whipped is when it whips me.  I’m powerless against lust.

So I don’t know.

We even had lunch together today. Yeah, lunch. She was beaming to see me. She texted me afterward how much she enjoyed it.  I FEEL LIKE A DANG LIAR! How could I not????  Uh, I don’t know. I don’t even want to tell this girl. I’d rather just dump her.  Way toooo much shame to confess. 

I like dating. And even relationships. Maybe I need to postpone dating yet again. Maybe I need to put my whole freaking life on hold some more.  There are plenty of things to do in life while single.  Maybe recovery and sobriety will be one of those things.  Sorry I’m feeling a little apathetic and cynical today.

Just have to survive today…… which is hard because I’m burning with cynicism, frustration, and hopelessness.

New beginnings....

I must say that things are really good for me right now.  I feel like maintaining sobriety is starting to click.  I haven’t really done the real work of recovery and getting into all the ‘crap’. (aka emotional, spiritual baggage), but I have at least really felt the power of God in my life.  I feel worthy and I feel that I can continue a day at a time.  I am not having perfect days but I feel that with the tools that I’ve gained from SA…I can handle it at least. I am coming up on getting 30 days of complete sobriety....not a single loss or partial slip. I had a partial slip earlier (with 25 days before that). But I don't want a sobriety date with an asterik attached to it that says *sobriety date... except for that one day where I looked at ....  but didn't FULLY act out.     I'd rather just be clean and pure in every way.  

I’m still super allergic to lustful things, or attractive girls, or images, or certain sites, or certain media, or any hundred other triggers. Surrender is becoming a way of life for me.  I do it constantly.

·         “God, bless that attractive jogger girl in the cute outfit.”

·         “Let my lust go of the ads that pop up on the sidebar of my email.”

·         “don’t look twice, Warrior, Don’t look twice at that very attractive girl that passed you on campus. Let her go. You don’t know her. You don’t need to take or lust after her. You’ll be okay.”

There is a conscious self-talk that happens in the whole ordeal. And I survive.  The SA White Book talks about this. At first, we feel we will explode. Just one click!! Just one look!!  I wasn’t LOOKING for porn!!  We tell ourselves these lies.

We can’t handle it. It’s okay. We won’t die without lust. We won’t. in fact, we LIVE.

                                

And as for dating, I am moving forward with it and I am feeling okay about it.  There is a girl in particular that I am interested in. We had a good weekend and have real open conversations.  I will be out of the country for 2 weeks starting this Friday…so we will see how we feel about each other when I get back.

No rush.  I do get a bit of anxiety at times and ‘butterflies’ of the anxious type, but I’m choosing to give this a chance.  We’ll see how things pan out.  I feel comfortable about it.

When I get to the point of having to confide in her my struggles, I can only pray that I share my story in a proper manner.  I can only be open and honest.  I have to let go of her reaction. I can only concern myself about that when the time is right…..can’t be stressing about it now.