Ok, love doesn't make any sense. Is that the idea?? How do people honestly pull off getting married?? I'm stumped. It seriously must be one big act of faith. This blog is going from my recovery blog to my dating up and downs blog. I think the two may be related.
I post about falling in love. Well, going back to last Friday, things weren't so clear cut. Friday evening, me and my girl go to the temple. This is actually the third time. I don't know if going to the temple with the girl you are dating is 'no bueno' but the first two times were awesome. This time wasn't. I felt alot of discomfort and no peace. I was frustrated feeling this. I thought we were doing well. Is it me?? Is it my fears?? Is it my addiction?? Is it our relationship?? Is it her?? Kinda hard to come to any conclusion when she is right there. She could instantly tell I was off. She closes up. When she closes up she is no fun. Kinda snippy. Doesn't smile. Doens't talk. (hmm, i think I have read wives of addicts doing this before....)
Saturday we had to go to her brother's wedding. I had already committed to going. I wanted to go. I met all the family. I was in pictures. I was the boyfriend. The ride up together was real trivial. She didn't warm up until the end of the event. (I don't blame her honestly....I am still amazed she wants to put herself through all this....good thing girls focus on the potential and not just the moment)
I had this lingering impression to tell her that I needed to pull back a bit (a break? a step back) . I was worried how I was going to put it because I don't know if this is all the girl hears.."blah blah blah....I want to break up". I just need a few days by myself to figure out what im feeling!!! This is NOT easy for me!! I am a recovering lust addict!! good grief, too many emotions in such a short time!!
Sunday. awkward chat. I expressed i need a break. A few days of little contact. She was hurt. Not too happy but respected my wishes. I felt some peace with this.
Monday and Tuesday were kinda rough. I didn't realize how attached i was. I called a few friends. Called my mom. Everyone seems to say the same thing. "don't bail on this girl....like you've done every time before!! Don't make decisions based on fear!!"
well, so i feel really stuck. Can't run from the girl. Can't let myself relax with her.
She comes over last evening. "I just want to hug you. You don't have to talk. I'll be only 5 minutes then I have to go to something."
4 hours later, after little real talking, alot of cuddling, even more kissing, and after struggling to say good night bc it is bloody late, she goes home. Yeah, she completely skipped what she had to go to.
so here we go....I couldn't seem to communicate verbally, but I love the physical affection. First time for me with a girl. I lived in fantasy land my whole life.
Am I doing this all wrong?? Is it super wrong that I really like holding this girl close and kissing her?? (we don't do ANYTHING inappropriately) Is it bad that I feel alot of love and feelings and passions when we are affectionate and sometimes don't feel much else where???
but just the same...day 111 today. Still rolling forward. Still one day at a time.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Step 3
I read some great things this morning and wanted to post them.
Step 3 (in SA book): Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood Him.
Here are the realities that I now accept. (Doing a thorough step 1 inventory helped on this): I am powerless over lust and all its forms: fantasizing, anything pornographic/stimulating. I am just useless on my own, in my own head. Luckily, I am now truly believing that God can and will restore me to sanity and recovery.
This step is practicing surrender. Anytime I make a call or connect with someone else, I am surrendering. Here's an example. Yesterday I ran into some trouble at work. I was lusting bad. I wanted to 'drink' some images....anything really. I was 'thirsty!" I had to stop. I had to admit how insane I was acting. I had to leave the room and call my sponsor. At first, I didn't even think beyond that. As I talked to him i explain I was making a call, that I was lusting and didn't know why. We talked a bit. We discussed some of the things I was feeling. I felt a little better. But I wasn't done here..
I went back to the office and surrendered specifically. "There is no surrender in the abstract." I outlined to God exactly what I was lusting after. I prayed for the objects of my lust. That is all they have become "objects." Whether be an actual woman, a smell, a shape, a sound, any trigger will do. I then prayed for that person and apologized for taking. Lust is taking. Lust is stealing as my sponsor described. It doesn't matter if that person chooses to dress inappropriately or even if that person is virtual or if that person wants to be lusted after, it is still stealing. Love is giving. Love is outward.
I also assessed how I was feeling and why. I didn't stress over it. I am no psychologist, but we can tell what things are going on. Sometimes even just saying what I am feeling to God or to someone else is enough even without the analysis. Sometimes half the battle is simply admitting that you are "off."
It is okay to be off. I am powerless over myself even. The third step is about letting go. Letting go of ourselves. Letting go of all the crap I have done over the years. Letting go of your fears. Letting go of trying to control everything. And letting God. Letting God work his will. I just have to make the decision for now. I just have to be humble and submissive, which isn't so hard now....I've been beaten to the ground trying to battle this. I have failed pursuing my will hundreds of times.
I also commit and decide to work the rest of the steps of the program and accept the advice of my sponsor.
Day 104 today. Always one day at a time.
Step 3 (in SA book): Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood Him.
Here are the realities that I now accept. (Doing a thorough step 1 inventory helped on this): I am powerless over lust and all its forms: fantasizing, anything pornographic/stimulating. I am just useless on my own, in my own head. Luckily, I am now truly believing that God can and will restore me to sanity and recovery.
This step is practicing surrender. Anytime I make a call or connect with someone else, I am surrendering. Here's an example. Yesterday I ran into some trouble at work. I was lusting bad. I wanted to 'drink' some images....anything really. I was 'thirsty!" I had to stop. I had to admit how insane I was acting. I had to leave the room and call my sponsor. At first, I didn't even think beyond that. As I talked to him i explain I was making a call, that I was lusting and didn't know why. We talked a bit. We discussed some of the things I was feeling. I felt a little better. But I wasn't done here..
I went back to the office and surrendered specifically. "There is no surrender in the abstract." I outlined to God exactly what I was lusting after. I prayed for the objects of my lust. That is all they have become "objects." Whether be an actual woman, a smell, a shape, a sound, any trigger will do. I then prayed for that person and apologized for taking. Lust is taking. Lust is stealing as my sponsor described. It doesn't matter if that person chooses to dress inappropriately or even if that person is virtual or if that person wants to be lusted after, it is still stealing. Love is giving. Love is outward.
I also assessed how I was feeling and why. I didn't stress over it. I am no psychologist, but we can tell what things are going on. Sometimes even just saying what I am feeling to God or to someone else is enough even without the analysis. Sometimes half the battle is simply admitting that you are "off."
It is okay to be off. I am powerless over myself even. The third step is about letting go. Letting go of ourselves. Letting go of all the crap I have done over the years. Letting go of your fears. Letting go of trying to control everything. And letting God. Letting God work his will. I just have to make the decision for now. I just have to be humble and submissive, which isn't so hard now....I've been beaten to the ground trying to battle this. I have failed pursuing my will hundreds of times.
I also commit and decide to work the rest of the steps of the program and accept the advice of my sponsor.
Day 104 today. Always one day at a time.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Falling in love????
Ok, I need to post. I also need to be doing a million other things, but I need to get this out.
Am I am love???
Ok, I don't claim to be an expert on anything. I am a pretty sharp guy, I can recount useless facts and can solve algebra problems quite fast, but with in the realm of love/relationships.....who knows?
Here is the latest. I have been dating (yes, i am still in it) for 3.5 months now. It has easily been the best relationship I have ever had. The past few weeks have really risen to a new level.
I shared back on May 30th about how my feelings changed over the weekend of a backpacking trip. We saw each other everyday that entire week. It was awesome. Then we spent quite literally the entire weekend together. (no i did not spend the night with her though) Then that Sunday, June 3, I had this burning desire in my heart to tell her that I loved her. No, not necessarily that I am now in love with her and that I want to marry her, but I was bursting at the seems to express a little more than "hey, i like you."
I kinda fumbled it but I said it. And I think I really meant it. She was beaming and even got a little teary eyed. (she is a strong girl and doesn't cry much in front of me). It was pretty aweseome. She expressed similiar feelings.
The next day, Monday June 4th, she comes with me to my parent's house for my brother's birthday party. We had a tough discussion with my sister who is no longer interested in religion. I went home with a lot of frustration in my heart. I have some really deep rooted frustrations and pains in me. Deeper than I realize at times. I have buried stuff a long time. I couldn't speak. I was tense. My girl held my hand. patiently and tenderly. She is a god send! I finally let down my walls. I let it go. (and we followed with the most beautiful snuggle and kissing session ever!)
The next day...same thing. then the rest of the week...my emotions were so off. I called my mom and explained how my feelings don't work and that I can't date this girl anymore. (good grief...I'm the moody girl in this relationship). I didn't see her until Saturday. Come to find out later....she struggled that week. She felt I had lost interest. She closed up too. We don't do well when we don't have consistent reassurances.
Then that Saturday, (i was a little nervous) she comes to the door and I fell in love with her all over again. Her embrace was a little weak. We sat and just chatted at first. Eventually we couldn't resist and held each other for a good hour. We spent the whole day together again. She spent all day Sunday with me again up at my parents and met alot of my family that was in town that day. Everyone loves her. (i guess I do too!)
We have felt some awesome feelings. We hold each other for hours and even the kisses are better. (honestly I didn't think we could top that Monday night, but this past Sunday trumped even that night!)
This is a fruit of recovery!! I can feel love again!! I tell my girl that as much as I can. She has changed my entire world. I don't know what happens next. Nothing is a slam dunk. We had a tough talk last night. I still have alot of pains to root out and clean out. Shared some personal fears....her included. She really fears that I will leave her and she is afraid to admit that she needs someone else. But we are committed to learning and working at this.
Love does require a bit of work after all.
day 97 today!!! One day at a time. I am excited for group tonight
Am I am love???
Ok, I don't claim to be an expert on anything. I am a pretty sharp guy, I can recount useless facts and can solve algebra problems quite fast, but with in the realm of love/relationships.....who knows?
Here is the latest. I have been dating (yes, i am still in it) for 3.5 months now. It has easily been the best relationship I have ever had. The past few weeks have really risen to a new level.
I shared back on May 30th about how my feelings changed over the weekend of a backpacking trip. We saw each other everyday that entire week. It was awesome. Then we spent quite literally the entire weekend together. (no i did not spend the night with her though) Then that Sunday, June 3, I had this burning desire in my heart to tell her that I loved her. No, not necessarily that I am now in love with her and that I want to marry her, but I was bursting at the seems to express a little more than "hey, i like you."
I kinda fumbled it but I said it. And I think I really meant it. She was beaming and even got a little teary eyed. (she is a strong girl and doesn't cry much in front of me). It was pretty aweseome. She expressed similiar feelings.
The next day, Monday June 4th, she comes with me to my parent's house for my brother's birthday party. We had a tough discussion with my sister who is no longer interested in religion. I went home with a lot of frustration in my heart. I have some really deep rooted frustrations and pains in me. Deeper than I realize at times. I have buried stuff a long time. I couldn't speak. I was tense. My girl held my hand. patiently and tenderly. She is a god send! I finally let down my walls. I let it go. (and we followed with the most beautiful snuggle and kissing session ever!)
The next day...same thing. then the rest of the week...my emotions were so off. I called my mom and explained how my feelings don't work and that I can't date this girl anymore. (good grief...I'm the moody girl in this relationship). I didn't see her until Saturday. Come to find out later....she struggled that week. She felt I had lost interest. She closed up too. We don't do well when we don't have consistent reassurances.
Then that Saturday, (i was a little nervous) she comes to the door and I fell in love with her all over again. Her embrace was a little weak. We sat and just chatted at first. Eventually we couldn't resist and held each other for a good hour. We spent the whole day together again. She spent all day Sunday with me again up at my parents and met alot of my family that was in town that day. Everyone loves her. (i guess I do too!)
We have felt some awesome feelings. We hold each other for hours and even the kisses are better. (honestly I didn't think we could top that Monday night, but this past Sunday trumped even that night!)
This is a fruit of recovery!! I can feel love again!! I tell my girl that as much as I can. She has changed my entire world. I don't know what happens next. Nothing is a slam dunk. We had a tough talk last night. I still have alot of pains to root out and clean out. Shared some personal fears....her included. She really fears that I will leave her and she is afraid to admit that she needs someone else. But we are committed to learning and working at this.
Love does require a bit of work after all.
Was it always so up and down for y'all??
(not talking about the addiction periods but the beginnings and/or even during the healing...)
day 97 today!!! One day at a time. I am excited for group tonight
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
The mind of the addict
I was thinking about something awesome that Maurice taught me a while back. I didn't quite understand fully what he meant but now that I am enjoying some small amount of recovery I do so more.
He gives some killer lessons on how the brain works and especially the addict mind. first and foremeost the brian is designed to be efficient. It prefers to create neural pathways that require little work to connect to. for example, viewing pornographic material and masturbating produce some incredible chemicals in the brain. Since the brain receives such a release of dopamine and other chemicals it wants to repeat those results as easily as possible. when life gets rough or boredom sets in or any other trigger, the brain gets more efficient and producing those same reults. The whole science behind any addiction is that the brain has rewired itself to get what it 'needs'
Like I have posted before, the root of the addiction is lust and negative emotions that where never dealt with properly. Acting out is simply going with the flow of the brain. It is easy. It feels good. honestly right in the moment it is better than a large bar of belgian chooclate. The only problem is that it becomes more and more a driving desire, and requires more and more to get the adequate fix. It is degenerative in every way.
But we realize how unmanageable that style of life is. how miserable it is. Being a prisoner is so exhausting. We can't hardly connect with others in any way. So we get the proper help. surrender. work the steps in humility.
Maurice speaks of 5 levels of the brain. The first two levels are the states that are just below the conscious level. whether men admit it or not, we are feeling emotions on the first two levels pretty much every moment of our lives. level 1 are emotions that simply are. they aren't necessaily good or bad. It is constantly going through our system. level 2 are emotions that are negative but ones that we often believe. It may be a bit of resentment. A bit of stress. A bit of anger about something else. The idea is to become more and more attuned to what the brain is doing at these first two levels. I think the better question to ask an addict is not "what are you thinking" but "what are you feeling??" "What are you experiencing at this moment??" This requires a great deal of careful consistent training and practice. Like sports or triathlon training.
Level 3 is much more familar. it is the first conscious thought. After we experience some mixed emotions and a trigger sets in, the brain offers us a little thought. "hey why not go act out." alot of times these deviant thoughts are just the brain doing what we programmed it to do. However, often Satan himself likes to throw these in there. This is usually where we think we need to fight our battles. This is usually where we try and "get back on track." The only problem is that at this point, there are already some deviant chemicals going through the brain.
Level 4 is having the 'retarded conversation'. it goes something like this, "hey so you pondered my suggestion from level 3, what you going to do? go find some garbage to look at." then we respond "no I am not going to, but it would be rather nice right now....I mean I am a little off. But no, i promised my wife/bishop that i'd be clean." The addict brain continues to plead the case. Then the whole body makes its way to a computer still having this 'conversation' we say to ourselves "Ok I will just check my email." "I just want to go to sports illustarted because i like the sports updates." or "I just want to watch a little cable TV....noone is here at the house and I need a break."
Mix that with some more chemicals/deviant thoughts and an image here and there and the brain is tipped over the edge. This is level 5. This is the screw it moment. At this point, our families, our jobs, being arrested, don't really matter. Brain sorta just takes over. Not a lot of rational thinking at this point. In fact, the blood stream that supplies the pre-frontal cortex (rational thinking part of brain) is shut off.
levels 5-10 don't need any explanation...it is full animal addict mode. We get what the brain needs and life continues but we now feel like s**&^.
The greatest reason I am making any progress is that I am learning to keep my brain on levels 1 and 2. I assess how I am actually feeling all the time. When I'm getting tempted and attacked, I have to stop and assess what things am I feeling. what lead to this attack?? Is it simply Satan throwing a cow pie at me?? I feel it. I surrender it to god. i tell someone else. If it persists then i alter my enviornment. I repeat the process until my brain can resume properly. I somehow don't explode if I don't act out. I survive.
I have to admit that this is insanely hard. Especially when life throws so many wrenches in your routine. There never seems to be a break. That is why we just have to win one moment at a time. One day at a time. Day 90 today. Maybe i'll get one of those cool 90 day chips tonight at group. Yipee!
He gives some killer lessons on how the brain works and especially the addict mind. first and foremeost the brian is designed to be efficient. It prefers to create neural pathways that require little work to connect to. for example, viewing pornographic material and masturbating produce some incredible chemicals in the brain. Since the brain receives such a release of dopamine and other chemicals it wants to repeat those results as easily as possible. when life gets rough or boredom sets in or any other trigger, the brain gets more efficient and producing those same reults. The whole science behind any addiction is that the brain has rewired itself to get what it 'needs'
Like I have posted before, the root of the addiction is lust and negative emotions that where never dealt with properly. Acting out is simply going with the flow of the brain. It is easy. It feels good. honestly right in the moment it is better than a large bar of belgian chooclate. The only problem is that it becomes more and more a driving desire, and requires more and more to get the adequate fix. It is degenerative in every way.
But we realize how unmanageable that style of life is. how miserable it is. Being a prisoner is so exhausting. We can't hardly connect with others in any way. So we get the proper help. surrender. work the steps in humility.
Maurice speaks of 5 levels of the brain. The first two levels are the states that are just below the conscious level. whether men admit it or not, we are feeling emotions on the first two levels pretty much every moment of our lives. level 1 are emotions that simply are. they aren't necessaily good or bad. It is constantly going through our system. level 2 are emotions that are negative but ones that we often believe. It may be a bit of resentment. A bit of stress. A bit of anger about something else. The idea is to become more and more attuned to what the brain is doing at these first two levels. I think the better question to ask an addict is not "what are you thinking" but "what are you feeling??" "What are you experiencing at this moment??" This requires a great deal of careful consistent training and practice. Like sports or triathlon training.
Level 3 is much more familar. it is the first conscious thought. After we experience some mixed emotions and a trigger sets in, the brain offers us a little thought. "hey why not go act out." alot of times these deviant thoughts are just the brain doing what we programmed it to do. However, often Satan himself likes to throw these in there. This is usually where we think we need to fight our battles. This is usually where we try and "get back on track." The only problem is that at this point, there are already some deviant chemicals going through the brain.
Level 4 is having the 'retarded conversation'. it goes something like this, "hey so you pondered my suggestion from level 3, what you going to do? go find some garbage to look at." then we respond "no I am not going to, but it would be rather nice right now....I mean I am a little off. But no, i promised my wife/bishop that i'd be clean." The addict brain continues to plead the case. Then the whole body makes its way to a computer still having this 'conversation' we say to ourselves "Ok I will just check my email." "I just want to go to sports illustarted because i like the sports updates." or "I just want to watch a little cable TV....noone is here at the house and I need a break."
Mix that with some more chemicals/deviant thoughts and an image here and there and the brain is tipped over the edge. This is level 5. This is the screw it moment. At this point, our families, our jobs, being arrested, don't really matter. Brain sorta just takes over. Not a lot of rational thinking at this point. In fact, the blood stream that supplies the pre-frontal cortex (rational thinking part of brain) is shut off.
levels 5-10 don't need any explanation...it is full animal addict mode. We get what the brain needs and life continues but we now feel like s**&^.
The greatest reason I am making any progress is that I am learning to keep my brain on levels 1 and 2. I assess how I am actually feeling all the time. When I'm getting tempted and attacked, I have to stop and assess what things am I feeling. what lead to this attack?? Is it simply Satan throwing a cow pie at me?? I feel it. I surrender it to god. i tell someone else. If it persists then i alter my enviornment. I repeat the process until my brain can resume properly. I somehow don't explode if I don't act out. I survive.
I have to admit that this is insanely hard. Especially when life throws so many wrenches in your routine. There never seems to be a break. That is why we just have to win one moment at a time. One day at a time. Day 90 today. Maybe i'll get one of those cool 90 day chips tonight at group. Yipee!
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