dump

I hate trying to come up with fancy titles sometimes.  I need to dump. I think it's interesting how we all seem to put at the beginning of a rough post...."i am just saying what's on my mind. This is just a dump."  because we need to realize that we aren't what we write. Well, none of you know who i am so you are welcome to judge and consider me a basket case, bc frankly, in all due respect,...i am.  :)

I must say that I don't like dealing with emotions.  I will admit that I am moody. I am up and down.  I like the world to make SENSE. I like to tackle life logically and systematically. I am a fierce competitor. I don't like uncertainty. I like things to be more black and white.

I hate this addiction. I HATE IT. I just want to say it. It has freaking messed up all my emotions and my brain.  I hate that I am so attracted to pornography. And when I say pornography...it can be anything.  I don't know what people think... that all it is all hardcore porn or nudity.  i can lose my mind over just a cute girl walking by. I get destroyed by girl's profiles on facebook (which i have deactivated...huge relief!!)  The triggers are endless!! 

And to top it off....all the emotions!!  I can't handle being: tired, bored, apathetic, hurt, rejected, even intense happiness or relief.  it seems my whole body wants to act out every time life gets dicey.  I get so frustrated sometimes that I want to shoot lighting bolts and fire out of my head and arms. Kinda like Hades on Hercules...

I am tired of it. I am so powerless over the forces of lust.  All i can do is cast the devils out (which i do frequently) and bring it to light.

All I have sometimes is to pray. Is to plead with my unseen God. He is there.  He has to be!!  He has really helped me.  I feel a real power.

This recovery business is so slow. It puts life on hold. I hate being stagnant.  I met with the Bishop on Sunday. He doesn't like to see me stagnant either.  He thinks maybe a relationship can help me.  I'm just not feeling that. I've already discussed it over and over.  I'm tired of trying to make this decision.  I feel like it is already made.

I am going to meet with my counselor Friday. I emailed him my situation.  He wants me to wait on doing anything until we chat.  I'm ready to call the girl up and tell her point blank, "I'M A FREAKIN PORN ADDICT...DO YOU KNOW HOW BAD THIS CAN DESTROY YOU??  PLEASE RUN AWAY!!"  I told the girl that this weekend we will either be all in or all out. I know it may not be healthy but that is what surges through my body.  I have seen SOSOSO much pain and frustration with this addiction.  I saw it in my own parent's marriage.  It was bad. I read it in the blogs. In the articles that I read. It is so disheartening.

Now, something positive before I self-destruct with the very thing that I loathe....

I breathe. I relax. I let it out. God please take all this frustration from me. Please grant me serenity. I may need to call a friend or something.  I am doing some volunteer work tonight.  I am trying to fill my life with positive things. With spiritual things. I went to institute last night.  BUT I CAN'T SOLVE THIS!! I CAN'T BEAT THIS!! I assume that only God can.  But i have got to fight!! I have got to give it my all!!

I surrender. I can't win on my own. I can't. I will have victory by surrendering.