This seems to be a common question. MM (Michelle I guess) asked me in a comment and also to Dan's blog
How do we know we are sick?? Does it require a rock bottom?? Why do we go to SA or group at all??
I've been to probably a 100 12-step meetings. I would have to say that, yes, 95% (or higher) of everyone there is because they have hit some sort of rock bottom. I define 'rock bottom' from my own experience; when you realize that you are stumped, have some sort of problem bigger than you, and you've got people in your life who are not okay with it.
The White Book admits that many of us came to SA/PASG with not the best of motives. Sometimes we show up bc the wife caught us for the 3rd time, caught us in our lies....and we wanted to impress her. Maybe we were tired of every relationship failing (my story). Maybe we know that porn is 'wrong' and that the Prophets have condemned it at every Priesthood session since we were teenagers (also my story). Maybe we are just miserable b/c porn takes away the spirit and happiness completely.
This is certainly good and all in the beginning. I guess just showing up is better than not. Just going to a meeting is a form of surrender. And a form of humility.
But for me, to really, REALLY get to the point where you know that you are an addict and that you truly are powerless over lust is the point where you can properly do the rest of the steps. And I need to remember this daily. The moment I lose sight of that and try to control/manage my life is when I get into trouble.
I started working with a sponsor March 2012. It was then that I dived into what being an addict really meant. I had been going on and off to PASG or other SA groups before with little success. Like what Dan did, it is very helpful to write a "First Step Inventory." It is where you lay out the facts. You write out your behavior patterns, where you started, what lines you crossed. Here is a link on doing one but I HIGHLY recommend doing one with a sponsor.
I wrote it and intellectually it made sense. Yeah, I have an issue. Yes, I've crossed lots of lines. Yes, my life is unmanageable. It was clearly laid out before me and to my group. But even then, I had to go through a series of rock bottoms and hitting walls before that sunk in. I can't coast on a meeting I went to weeks ago. I can't pray on Sunday and have strength on Wednesday. I only get a day of reprieve. My shower 4 days ago doesn't keep me smelling good today.
I would have to say that I have been going through rock bottoms and pain ALOT more lately. However, I now desire recovery for ME! Not just for someone else. I can isolate. I can "not tell anyone." Who is going to know?? But I give up. I have fully accepted being an addict and powerless against lust. It is a DAILY struggle right now....I'm detoxing from a chemical addiction. Powerlessness is NOT hopelessness. Babies can't pick up their heads....are they doomed to be helpless the rest of their lives?? NO!
Can someone come to this conclusion without some sort of pain??
I don't know. Maybe. Technically, you can go in for cancer treatments BEFORE you have cancer. You should get your colon checked whether you are sick or not. Sadly, most people only go in for help/treatments when the symptons hit the surface. Addiction seems to be the same way. Many of us were addicts for years before we even knew anything about addiction. We were addicted before we were even dating girls.
Godly sorrow and pain can lead many of us to seek change. Gave gave us weaknesses to keep us dependent on him and also humble. I'm grateful for that.
Any other thoughts on the role of "rock bottoms"?? What led you to seek help and seek true, heartful recovery??
Great post, Warrior! My rock bottom was multi-faceted. The final straw though was realizing that I could in no way help my sons unless I figured it out myself.
ReplyDeleteMany younger people find their rock bottom after entering the program and relapsing a few times. I think every rock bottom is different, and yet all the same. I'll havr to follow this to see what others have to say!
Well written buddy. Like you were saying, it's hard to say when a "rock bottom" is hit, and even when we think we have, there still can be multiple "rock bottoms" that we will yet hit as we seek to recover.
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree with Dan. It's definitely multi-faceted. I knew I had an illness a couple of years into acting out - it occured when I realized I was stuck - I was trying to control it to no avail. I had said so many times that last time was the last time. That didn't mean I would seek help though, or admit to anyone that I was sick. It was still years before I was willing to accept that I couldn't do it on my own and was willing to seek out help. And even then, there have still been other awakening experiences and events, none worse that the rock-bottom before my first group meeting though.
For YEARS I said I am not an addict. Classic denial! I thought I was just messed up, a slut, whatever you wanna call it. I could repent/overcome on my own. When I finally said I would go to a SA recovery group and suddenly all the questions I had were answered by the 12 step recovery program...then I came to terms with it..I AM an addict. I have NO control. My rockiest bottom came when I crossed so many lines in such a short period of time I didn't even recognize myself anymore. I was afraid of me. It was only then I began to take 12 step seriously and have been 11 weeks sober!! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the link on the inventory guide! Most helpful. :-) Good post.. a lot of great insight!
ReplyDeleteThanks for this post Warrior! I know everyone is different, but I am trying to understand my husband more. I know I can't control him and I can't choose for him, but I am uncertain whether he even thinks he is sick. I like what Dan said in his comment to me - he recognized he was sick, but not that he needed "the medicine." It's so helpful to have this other perspective - it really helps me have more compassion and understanding toward my husband and maybe even patience, even though he is not THERE. Thank you so much for sharing.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, MM = Michelle. I used to try to keep it all separate, now I just don't care. I'm still anonymous enough.
Thanks for this post!! I really love your blog. I think I'm going to do that first step inventory today!
ReplyDeletehere is a line from "Healing Through Christ" workbook that I just downloaded (page 12)
ReplyDeleteElder Russell M. Nelson
explained: “Addiction surrenders... freedom to
choose. Through chemical means, one can literally
become disconnected from his or her own will!”
Elder Marvin J. Ashton also explained that our addicted
loved ones “are prisoners within their own
bodies. Many feel totally helpless, dependent, and
desperate.”
"These descriptions apply to all types of
addiction, including addictions caused by chemicals
introduced into the body as well as behavioral addictions
caused by chemicals produced in the brain;
such as in overeating, gambling, pornography and
sex addictions."
"The American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM)
released a new definition of addiction based on an
intense four year study by eighty experts. Addiction
is now defined as a “chronic brain disease, [it is] not
just bad behaviors or bad choices.”
I want to make it clear and the addicts here who know recovery that we ARE NOT trying to make addiction our excuse or the fact that we are powerless over lust. We are NOT powerless to make a phone call. We are NOT powerless to see a therapist/talk to the bishop/surrender in the moment/find a sponsor/go to meetings/work the steps/control our environments best we can/do our dailies, etc, etc, etc, etc,.....
ReplyDeleteThat's what I mean when I say "I do the easy stuff, and let Him take care of the hard stuff."
DeleteI hope my comments are ok in this instance, my addiction has been codependency, and I hit rock bottom when my suicide thoughts from years ago - resurfaced last month. That was when I knew I could submit to God, or meet my Maker.
ReplyDelete