I am not doing too well. I am going to be honest in this post. I should be a nice, happy LDS guy who never complains and always has sunshine in his heart. I'm getting a little burned out. I am beginning to see more and more how darn needy and emotional i really am. I feel like a little kid. I feel completely powerless
First day back from work and I was pretty fine. I got on task. I had things to do. But in the afternoon, i get a little bored bc i finished most of my immediate tasks. I want to 'peruse' and 'find something to look at'. It isn't even like i'm going straight for porn. Rarely do i actually do that. I open facebook or click on a side tab from my email. Sometimes i just want to medicate by looking at cute girls on facebook. Well, i close it down, leave the office and make a call. Towards the end of the day, same thing. I survive. Barely. I then make a call. No one answers. Not until the 4th person. I talk to him. Then i go to the gym. I'm feeling like i may survive the day. I get back and all i want to do is lose. Which i do.
That is the external stuff. I'm going to try and figure out what's going on inside. I'm kind of a mess. First off, I am still struggling to figure out what to do with this girl. so i am doing this whole 'dating break.' No relationships. But I already began talking to this girl and even went out a couple of times before i made that decision. Now i'm trying to slide into a dating break. I like this girl. I like her alot. I want to date her. I want to have a normal relationship with her. But....I AM A PORN ADDICT! There is still loads of shame and issues that go along with that.
What DO I DO??
I have already told her..."hey i'm working on some things...I can't really date." But then i call her. But then we chat for hours. But then we write each other letters bc it's fun. But then we flirt. WHY?? Because we freaking like each other.
Do I just come out and tell her I'm a porn addict with underlying issues and I need to figure them out??
Do I just break things off entirely leaving no explanation?? I'm not going to lie and say it's bc i don't like her.
It doesn't make much sense to say to a girl, "I like you. I want to date you. But I can't date you."
Do I tell her everything and then let her choose?? Should she have a choice in this??
Do I let her 'be apart" of the recovery?? (sounds like codependency to me...which i know little about)
Do I tell her (which is what i have been doing), "Hey i'm working on some things. I don't want to lose you, but I can't see you just yet. My attractions for you are still a bit too strong. I want to date you but I can't at this moment."??
i feel like i'm just trying to buy myself more time. "Just wait around for another month or two girl and then i'll be ready for you."
And while I'm coping with the stress I do the exact oppostie by lusting and getting my visual fix and acting out.....
I can't take it anymore. I can't take this half in/half out. i can't take getting Holiday christmas letters from my married friends, brothers, and cousins about their wonderful married lives and what their adorable kids are doing. I can't take it anymore. I am envious, and jealous, and resentful of all them all. I admit it.
Another thing that I struggle with (and i may need to 4th step inventory this) is that I like to think i'm so independent but I have to make calls. And I get butt hurt when people don't call me back. i want everyone to bend over backwards for me when I send out a call or reach for help. I expect it out of God too. I want him to snatch me away. I am getting a lot of resentments towards my sponsor too. He NEVER answers my calls. And takes a day or two to call back, sometimes just a simple text. I want a 'divorce.' :) I feel like a teenaged drama queen. (No offense to you teenaged drama queens out there...)
I actually solict advice on this one....I'm stumped.
OK, Warrior! You asked for it! Just kidding. I have a lot of respect for your efforts. I know how challenging it is! I'm going to give my opinion, which is usually wrong, but here goes. Date. If you like her, then tell her everything. Let the decision be hers, but don't deceive. Not even a little. Swim in the calmer waters, far away from the waterfall. (Have you heard of the book"The Waterfall Comcept") I don't facebook anymore, I'm not watching much TV, I look at the candy instead of the magazines, I don't read Yahoo news and a lot of the other ritualistic pre-acting-out stuff. Get a new sponsor! Go to more meetings. Even if you have to travel. Some groups are going to help you more than others. Don't beat yourself up, in fact, learn to make that self-talk honestly positive. Remember that recovery hurts, but the character building that comes by working the steps can transform you. What's cool is how quickly things can improve sometimes. Lots of love, Warrior!
ReplyDeleteThanks Dan. This is good advice. I like good advice (bad advice too but not as much...) I think I will write her a long letter. I think I do want to at least tell her. But I am still uneasy about dating her. I want to get more input on that and do some personal thought on it. Take it to God. I think facebook needs to be out. It is killing me. I don't own a TV either and my internet cuts out at 9 pm. I may have to chat with my sponsor about where I am at. I need one a bit more proactive. My sponsor has been dealing with some marital troubles and also his own recovery. I've been doing 'recovery' for a long time, but yes it still hurts. Progress is hard to gauge sometimes. but I will try and trust you that things can improve quickly...i have a lot of doubt right now.
DeleteKill the half-in/half out. You'll feel better. I'm very unexperienced in knowing what's good for recovery in this area.....I think whatever it means to put God very first in your life, figure it out and love yourself enough go with it, even if it's really hard. I really have no idea though. But I do wanna say I admire the honesty here! Good for you for asking for help and saying how you really feel. You're allowed to not be the happy guy ALL the time. We're allowed to struggle. Next time you can't stop wondering the internet, make lds.org one of your stops. It's the only way I got off last night, I finally opened lds.org and started reading about christlike attributes in Preach My Gospel. I read about diligence. Then I finally was able to get off and go to bed. It's hard. Good luck!!!!
DeleteYep - definitely have to kill the half-in-half-out!
DeleteSince you asked... we codependents are AWESOME at advice. (So sarcastic.)
ReplyDeleteI think we can all agree that a decision has to be made about the girl, because it isn't fair to her or helpful to you to dangle the carrot and then keep jerking it away. All or nothing. No fence-sitting, no standing with one foot in Zion and one foot in Babylon. Make a choice and then make it the right choice. It's like my sugar thing I'm working on. If I decide to give up sugar for a month, it's not wise to carry candy bars in my pocket, look at them, think about them, imagine how wonderful it will be to eat them someday.
It's true that it's okay to be sad sometimes. Don't judge your feelings, just have them and let them go when they no longer serve you. I loved the analogy of sad/angry/lonely feelings being like an uninvited guest at a party. You can lock them in the garage, but you have to use all your energy to hold the door and keep them there, and then you miss out on your party. Or you can just let them join the party, let them mix and mingle with all the guests(feelings) that you DID want around in your party(life.)
I'm still learning that even if everyone answered their phone, if everyone bent over backwards for me, if the world DID revolve around me, it wouldn't make me any happier or more fulfilled. What DOES make me feel fulfilled is loving and serving others. Forgetting about myself. This is a bit easier for me because I have kids I can turn to when I'm getting self-absorbed. But maybe next time you need to make a phone call, call someone and just talk about THEM. Call a sibling, grandparent or friend who would love to hear from you and who can distract you by not focusing on your problems.
You are gonna make it! You are gonna get there, wherever "there" is. I believe in you.
LOVE this!!
DeleteYou have to remember that you aren't ONLY addicted to pornography. You are addicted to people too. And from what you have talked about with this girl - I think it'd be a fair statement that your addiction may have rolled over to her.
ReplyDeleteI can't tell you what to do - but I can tell you what I see. You are confused and racked with turmoil. Both huge signs that the adversary has his hands all over this.
The faith precedes the miracle. Faith sometimes means giving up hard things.
THe Grace of God can help you - meaning, the Grace of Christ... He has felt this same very personal turmoil you are feeling. Meaning.. he hasn't felt something like it, or something similar.. he has felt your very feelings right now with this. He felt it in the Garden. He carried it. You don't have to feel it. Give it to Him.
This post might help you....
http://www.bythelightofgrace.com/2012/07/skittles.html
Chin up!
Jumping on the WoPA advice bandwagon. Make the call about dating and stick with it. If you feel like now is not a good time for you to date then it doesn't matter who you like or who likes you. You stop it. And you can tell her whatever you want. "I'm working on some personal issues and I need to get them worked out before being a relationship." or "I'm a porn addict - you don't want that, and I can't handle it." or "This isn't going to work right now." whatever it is, just say it and STICK TO IT. No dating means no dating.
ReplyDeleteFind a new sponsor, if he isn't helping you find someone else. And like Jane said - REACH OUTside of yourself.
Good on you for recognizing the madness and that something's got to give. If you prayerfully decide all of these things, they'll work out. I'm sure of that. You're in my prayers!
Hey buddy, I didn't read many of the previous comments cause I want to just give you the advice I think I would give without being influenced by other ideas.
ReplyDelete1) The girl. Ask God what to do. Formulate a plan, take it to God, and act on it and see how it goes. It seems you haven't really given her up. Go one way or the other. Your feelings told you to break things off from dating a month ago and you really haven't yet. You've pretended that you have, and while you're not physically dating, you emotionally pretty much are.
2) Your relapse. I have a few thoughts on it cause it's so similar to my (and I'm sure others') past relapses.
a) Analyze your feelings before you started to look at fb and other gateway websites. Was it really because you were just bored? Was it just habit? sometimes it's that, more often it's because of other things/feelings. Becoming aware of these feelings and taking them to God the moment you feel them was KEY to my recovery. Whenever you feel sad, lonely, depressed, angry, frustrated, selfish, etc you need to admit it and seek out God to deal with them - bc we know how we will eventually deal with them on our own.
b) Gateway websites - I have a rule that I can't surf if I'm alone. You need rules that keeps you in the safe zone, and not just ones that try and save you when you're starting to fall.
c) your work computer is obviously a HUGE problem. Can you talk to someone about getting a filter on it and giving them the password? can you just put one on yourself? Can you just get a different job where you're not on the computer all day? Can you ask to be put in a room with other people and turn your screen toward them? Just ideas.
Anyway, these are my thoughts and ideas. This is a time for humility and growth, not anger and depression. Let this relapse push you to your knees, not your back, and reach out to God. Good luck my friend.
I relate to so much of this post! I found myself nodding right along with so many of your words. I tell myself, "if I have to make excuses, it's not right." Meaning, if I have to say "but..." then it's most likely a bad choice. I hope that makes sense in relation to your post.
ReplyDeleteI also totally expect everyone to bend over backward for me. It annoys me when they don't, and it annoys me that I think that way. I also expect God to bless me in the way I feel I need to be blessed. Often, when I think I'm working really hard on walking with Him, I discover that I'm actually working really hard on trying to convince HIM to walk with ME. I GET this post!
Listen, you're doing better than you think you are. You're progressing. You're DOING this! You're IN it. Keep working.