Wow, what a weekend. I don't know how much i want to say in this post but today is a new day. Today is a new week. Today is a new chapter in my recovery.
I had a long heartfelt chat with the girl that I had been 'non-dating' yet dating. I know I talk incessantly about this but this is a very big break through. I am officially officially on a dating break.....FINALLY! I am addicted to the 'chase'. I think it is fun. And interestingly enough, I don't chase girls or try to date them to get action or to make out with them. That creates too many problems, too many emotional attachments (addicts HATE attachments....we need to lurk in the shadows) It is more the obsession. I am addicted to lust and ALSO, (as my sponsor as pointed out) addicted to being lusted after.
This may have not been a good thing to do to a dear soul...but I ended up telling her exactly why i can't date (or better yet....why i am incapable of having a real relationship) right now. I told her about the addiction. I fully intended not to bring it up, but in the moment it spilled out of my mouth. It was insanely hard. My heart was pounding. She didn't ask for it, but I gave her a good eye opening. She told me that later.
Even then, she didn't quite get it. She understands we all struggle. She knows guys have to deal with it. I think LDS girls are starting to realize it more and more. What they don't know is how devastating it is to relationships and marriages (unless of course they go through all that.)
I don't know what good any of this did to the girl. She doesn't hate me. She is going to emotionally attach with a better understanding. She was sad and angry. Not at me per se. But at this world of addiction in general. It is frustrating and sad. So many men, so many good men are losing this battle. Satan is wreaking havoc on us.
But I don't let it bother me. I choose to not let it bother me. I may be a complete addict. I may be incapable of having a relationship or experiencing love.....BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THE REST OF MY LIFE!! I used to feel that way. That I was going to have to be single, b/c addiction was impossible to beat. I got that hopeless.
So for now...I let go of any future expectations. I have no timetable. I have no "after 3 months or 2 months or X months, I will be ready...." I will pursure a positive, service filled life of recovery. My own recovery. I do this for me and indirectly for everyone else in my life. But I do so with no distractions. Like Nate posted, I have paid the price of this addiction. I don't really understand love. I don't even know how to feel it. But i'm getting better.
I'll continue humbly and faithfully and hopefully for as long as it takes. I trust with all my heart that God will let me know when I am ready to pursue relationships again. I'll be in a much better place then.
Nothing but the best of wishes on your break. I love your last paragraph. Filled with hope and faith and TRUST in God.
ReplyDeleteYeah! Go you!! I think you're spot on with the "no timetable" thing. That's a good idea.
ReplyDeleteGood on you. This is the definition of unconditional surrender and it seems you've done it in this area. Keep moving forward and eventually you'll have enough grains of rice to tip the scale
ReplyDeleteI think you are very smart for getting it right with yourself first. You have to learn to let those things go and overcome them to the point you can give of yourself to someone else. I wish so much that I could've seen and figured out more of my addiction before I put my sweet husband through what I did but nonetheless we live and learn and guess what on the Lord's time table he will heal you to the point you are ready and when you are he'll place the person in your path that will accept you for you and you will find that right kind of love. Sorry I don't usually post on many people's posts cuz I say too much! :)
ReplyDelete