Step O: Getting Started

Wow, I have been inspired today and yesterday.  I don't know about y'all but i gain alot from reading all the blogs and comments out there. (even though there are millions now...) You people are all full of great thoughts and wisdom and ideas.  I am so super grateful that I am bringing in all this great wisdom at my relatively young age. And also while I'm single. This is just so good.

I won't comment on it all here....I throw in my little remarks here and there....hope you all don't mind!

Addiction is selfish and sometimes my recovery can be selfish!!  I call other guys all the time. I have to bother my dear bishop often.  I'm super whiney and emotional at times but oh well....it's better than relapsing.


I feel like I am back at the beginning. But this time around, I see it much differently. All the steps of the program are VITAL at all times.  I have been so on and off with my 4th step over the past several months.  Why do we drag this thing out???  But the past 2 months, my recovery and sobriety have been garbage....so i am back to the very basics.

Step 0 is all about stopping the bleeding.  It's not the real recovery work it is about just plain stopping/sobering up.

First thing that happens with an addict is waking up. "Wow, I am messed up. I need help."
That isn't so easily done. I forget, I literally forget how wrong porn addiction is.  Can you believe that??  But yeah, I will get triggered and go act out and get my fix and think nothing of it....until I wake up one morning wondering why I am so miserable and why my life is so unmanageable.  HAHA I am so dense sometimes.

Then...I have to get involved.  I have to get out of my dang head.  I have to connect with other addicts.  EVEN IF MY MOTIVES ARE BAD. EVEN IF I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHY I'M DOING IT. Motives aren't the most important thing at the very beginning. We go to meetings. We just show up. Just bring the body.  I make calls.  I make lots of calls.  I had to make about 4 calls yesterday.  Just to win one blasted day.  There is no room for pride in this. Pride gets you killed.  Us addicts showed up to the war without our swords.  Now we can try to play it cool, not tell our captains that we didn't bring our swords. We can save face. Even make excuses.  But when the Lamanites are upon us....we have to confess, "I DIDN'T BRING MY SWORD!  I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIGHT!!  PLEASE HELP!!!!"

How embarrassing.  But really.....it is better than dying.

Next thing in step 0 is surrender.  This may very well be the only mechanism to staying sober in the moment.  All the deeper recovery work, the family origins, the emotions, the triggers list, the amends list, the fears list, the sexual harms list....ALL this comes with time.  But surrender...we must learn day numero uno.

Here is what it means to me:       **I GIVE UP. **

This is NOT give in.  This is GIVE UP.  You let go. You realize that you have no sword and the Lamanites are literally charging at your full speed.  I don't even want to try and pretend I am strong enough. I will get slaughtered. Every. single. time.  I can't beat lust. I just can't.

So I call someone. And tell them what i am feeling. What it is that I am being tempted with. The White Book in SA says we need to reach out and make calls even when we are feeling off or out of whack. I pray to God. I plead with Him.  For what I understand, you can't wary God with prayers. You don't have a limit. Pray. Pray. Pray. Surrender to HIM!

This amounts to ALOT of phone calls.  In the beginning stages, you should be making several calls a day!!

Also, when I go to meetings...I am surrending.  Even if you finally found your sword, you need to go to combat school.  Essentially when I go to a meeting, I am telling myself, "Ok, I'm here. I don't really know how to fight. I want to learn from those who do...."

How embarrassing. But really...it is better than dying.

And like Andrew says in a brilliant post  (I mean this is a post everyone should read...not just addicts of WoPA), sex is optional. Porn is optional.  Giving in to lust is optional.

In the beginning, we have to surrender. Over and over.  The only way we recover is by staying sober and not dying.  I have heard that phrase so many times. I don't die. I get a reprieve. Just a reprieve. Every battle is an opportunity for me to develop a better attitude. Surrender is great.

And we can only do this one moment at a time.  I wish, I WISH I could jump into the future and be one of those guys with 1, 2, 5 years of sobriety. But I can't. I have to recover and stay sober one day at a time. One battle at a time.  2 years equals 730 days.  730 BATTLES!!!!  are you freaking kidding me???  I'll never make it!!!!

But I don't have to fight 730 battles.  I just fight one. God will not throw us battles that we can't win. He always provides the escape.  If you don't believe me, read this from the good book:  (1 Cor 10:13)

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

Surrender. Surrender. Surrender.  SEVERAL times a day.  And keep working the program. Get a sponsor. Getting a sponsor is the last thing mentioned in Step 0.  That is the only way I have made progress. Not because the sponsor knows everything. He is just another warrior. Just another guy full of battle wounds but who has learned how to kill Lamanites and how to stay alive.