I am enjoying a bit of study right now. I've been doing SA for over two years now. but I would say that my involvement has been continuous for just over a year. We study the White Book. It is superb.
Since my last few weeks have not been the best with recovery....i'm getting back to the basics. This week has been victories across the board....but with much pain and help from above (i take little credit)
here are some killer quotes that I like:
"Our habit brought us into SA (or ARP, or whatever program), but it was working Steps 1,2,3 that brought us into the program."
As I wrote in my last post, it is all about deflation and surrender. We deflate the ego. We start to realize that we all have one thing to work on....everything.
This addiction has smashed me to rubble. I'm a 9 year old going to war with seasoned Lamanite warriors. I admit that I am powerless against them. This is our first harsh realization. And after writing my first step inventory and also on a day to day basis, I keep the thought of how quickly i can relapse and cycle downward. The knowledge keeps me humble and keeps the ego deflated.
However, the book says:
"But the feeling of powerlessness without surrender left us with no real hope."
This concept of surrender becomes a very key and vital element to recovery. The book even states" Surrender is not only the key to the 12 step program and sexual sobriety, but to a joyous and purposeful life."
So what do I do?? I GIVE UP. I LET GO. Surrender brings us hope. It lets us let out the bad.
I latch on to some much emotional baggage or false ideas. Just let them go.
Here is how I applied this twice yesterday (yes....two times in one 6 hour period):
Battle #1, around 5 pm. I was at work picking up some items i had left. I got on the computer and checked my email. I shouldn't have been on it anyway. I got majorly triggered. I wanted to open up these workout video sites that i've seen before. They link to other stuff. I wanted it so badly. I wanted to act out right then and there. No one was around. I could have "gotten it over with" in about 2 minutes.
I stopped. I closed it down. I surrendered. I was unable to battle it. I can't FIGHT it. I pleaded with God. I was filled with a divine rage....the kind of rage that propells a righteous man to fight for his families. The same rage that filled the people of Moroni in battles (I love this story....thus my name Warrior) And then i emailed a struggling friend a long email on how to stay sober.
Then i called people. i called 3 different numbers until someone answered. i explained EXACTLY what had happened. This honest self-disclosure is vital to step 1. It brings vulnerability and trust. Which is not what us addicts enjoy. We detest it. That's why we lie. Why we cover up.
I let this moment be a teaching moment that I am powerless. And that i need the support of others.
Battle #2 Hung out with some fun friends. Got home late and I was feeling good. So what do I do when I'm feeling good?? I relax a little. Take some personal time.....like watching TV!! Yay! And sure enough, i find a great show on....one that had people partying. And lots of immodest girls. And some in pretty much bikinis. SLAM! I wanted to LOSE SO BADLY. this is the honest truth. and i probably would have...but the show went to commercial. I turned that off so fast and went to my room. I had to lay on my back, arms to my side without moving and pray and pray and pray that I could just fall asleep. i gave it ALL to God. i can't handle it right now. i'm too weak.
But i survived!!!! And i woke up this morning so immensely grateful. It was worth it. It was worth letting it go. I'm a porn/lust/MB addict and I'm powerless, but I AM WORTH IT.
One freaking day at a time.....
I love your honesty.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I love this quote: "As I wrote in my last post, it is all about deflation and surrender. We deflate the ego. We start to realize that we all have one thing to work on....everything." This is what I am coming to learn. Without God, I am nothing. Nothing. I NEED him each day, each moment really. But it is so easy to get complacent!
I also loved what you said about "honest self-disclosure" bringing vulnerability and trust, which is not what addicts enjoy. It's so interesting because as a WOPA, that is what I crave! It's interesting to see the dichotomy there.
Also, I'm curious what got you into recovery. What was your rock bottom? How did you get to the point you are at now where you are willing to open yourself up like this and push into recovery? You are doing fantastic!
thanks for the comment. I'll have to write a post about all those questions. I'm learning that honest self-disclosure is the start of getting it all out. No more shame for me.
Deleteyes! this is fantastic! It's so true. Give it all to God, one freaking day at a time. It's so hard, so hard. It's all around, the temptations. All over the place. At the beginning of my recovery-- who am I kidding, I'm still in the beginning of my recovery! But I mean at the very very beginning, my very first few steps- I was triggered by everything. Innocent things triggered me. I could be driving and see a word in a billboard that would trigger me. A word my children said would sometimes trigger me (imagine THAT shame). Working in an elementary school with a bunch of kids seems like a trigger-free environment. Nope. Triggers were everywhere, at every turn. Somehow, the Adversary would make the most innocent things a trigger for me. ALL THE TIME!!! It was so hard!
ReplyDeleteIt's still hard. But the triggers are fewer now, finally. So anyway. Great job winning this battle. You're an inspiration!
Ah Erin, I'm glad you get this. People (non-addicts) that know of my addiction will ask, "well, write down all the things that trigger you." And you're right it can be just about ANYTHING! We are powerless and hopeless alone. i need CONSTANT connection with others and with God. I don't know how else people pull it off.
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