I had a good chat with my sponsor today after our Saturday meeting. A few things he said were quite profound. We talked about step 1 and also about the objective of the whole 12-step program and recovery.
Step 1 is about honesty and willingness.
It is coming to reality. It is coming to the realization that we are insane. Now, insane makes some people think of asylums and completely dysfunctional people. "I'm certainly not one of those!! I'm not insane!!"
Here is what insane people do: EXPECTING A DIFFERENT RESULT AFTER DOING SOMETHING REPEATEDLY THAT DOESN'T EVER WORK.
If i am allergic to peanuts, and I eat peanuts....I will have a reaction. Insanity is thinking that I will be different this time. The AA Big Book talks alot about this as well. A true alcoholic has to realize that he/she will not be able to drink again. They can't handle it.
I can't handle lust. I cannot. Just on Thursday night, I was watching a Star Trek episode with a roommate (yeah, we're nerds i guess. I mainly watch it bc he's into it...the show's not too bad...anyway....)
There was a female character on the show. She was in the typical space jump suit. Skin tight. You get the picture. Too much. Too much for me. Well, I watched the bloody episode but afterwards I had to contact some people and surrender. It made me sick. I had a reaction. It will happen EVERY TIME. I don't get to watch shows like that and expect nothing to happen. I don't get to watch movies by myself. I don't get to watch TV late at night just to 'check the news or see what's on." I don't get to. boo hoo.
Ok, rock bottom.
So I can applaud myself for getting help now. I can say, "Man, so glad i have never been to a strip club, or touched a girl inappropriately, or gotten one of those 'massages' that other addicts talk about. Dang, I must not be that bad."
Therein exists the lie. MY ADDICTION IS JUST AS BAD!!
If I stop recovery work....eventually, i will be doing ALL those things. Even with all my testimony and knowledge of addiction and 100's meetings i've been to, I WILL PROGRESS TO SUCH LEVELS!
Here is my sponsor's killer line:
"We don't have to HIT rock bottom, we just have to SEE rock bottom and KNOW that it will exist for us."
"We don't have to go DOWN to the rock bottom. Let the rock bottom come UP to us."
I hear the insane stories of other addicts. I will be doomed to repeat it unless I give my ENTIRE SOUL TO RECOVERY. And I am doing that (as best i can). But my will is still so weak. I'm still so wimpy. But what choice do I have?? I don't have to go to prison. I don't have to lose my job. I don't have to be plagued with a failed marriage. I don't have to let this addiction destroy more of my life until I decide to seek sobriety.
Recovery or death.
I choose recovery and whatever it requires.
Good for you! Interesting perspective that your addiction is just as bad only not as progressed. I agree with that.
ReplyDeleteI used to really struggle with the concept of "rock bottom." Everything I'd read about addiction recovery seemed to include a rock bottom. Some addiction experts said that the presence of a rock bottom was necessary for recovery. I imagined rock bottom to be a horrible, life-or-death moment wherein I'd be caught for doing something illegal or... something. and I knew I was a long way from such a moment and I seriously thought that I would have to reach that in order to begin recovery.
Then at an ARP meeting, a follow addict said his therapist had told him rock bottom was where he decided it was. He got to choose his rock bottom.
And isn't that ultimately it, anyway? It's about choice. Rock Bottom is always about choice, even in those extreme situations. It's I can either go one way, or the other way. May as well make the choice before something extreme happens. Good luck! Great post!!