I was talking to Pete just now about this. I also got flooded with texts from 4 different guys this morning expressing their struggles. It seems that there are alot of lies floating around that we believe. I'll post the ones that i believe. I know the wives out there believe their own lies.
Here are lies that often occur either right before, during, or after a relapse:
- Why should i fight, i'm not married and marriage is a year out at least.
- Why should I fight for a future marriage....marriage seems like one big headache.
- Looking at porn and MBing to it feels pretty dang awesome. (really, it does....)
- I still have my job....I'll be in recovery just enough so i can FUNCTION in life.
- If i lose my job...i have almost 10 grand in savings...i'll survive..i'm pretty smart
- Well, i just 'slipped' and now i'm all triggered and now i'm going to be in this stupid mood until i 'finish the job' properly
- At least I haven't acted out with prostitutes or have gone to a strip club or even fooled around with a girl.
- I don't want to do a 'bad act out' so I am going to lose to something more 'mild'
- Ok, so God is supposed to 'restore me to spiritual health'. How is He supposed to do that when I am in the way?? My agency (of a carnal addict) is never going to let God do anything.
- I'll be going to meetings the rest of my life and still addicted. :(
- Well, I don't have that many people who are really close to me, except for other addicts and my family who won't abandon me, who am I really affecting??
- Woman are attractive dang it!! God made me this way. I'm a sexual being!!
- Pain?? Sure the aftermath creates pain. It did the past hundred times i acted out. I'm used to pain. What is pain to me anymore?
- Today is a 'lost day' so I am going to get my money's worth and act out 2 more times 'today'.
- I'm not going to tell my girlfriend because that will only hurt her. She's better off not knowing.
- I'm not going to tell my sponsor i acted out....because he is going to ask me tough questions "What do you mean by slip? Did you do your dailies? Do you think you're an addict?" (man, a sponsor can be real good at grilling me)
- I called and called but no one picked up. I did my best to surrender, but since no one picked up, i still feel pissed and now i am going to act out.
- Relationships suck!! I hate them!! Ah!! whine, whine, whine....i'm going to go act out to spite them all!!
- I feel so depressed. I'm such a piece of crap.
- Recovery doesn't work for me. It only works for some people. I'm not ever going to actually recover.
I simply trust the fact that recovery is possible in theory. I still struggle with the reality that I could wake up one morning with 1,000 days of sobriety, a wife, and sponsees calling me for help that morning. I think (i hope) it will happen someday.
One day at a time. I choose to be sober today. Not sure exactly why. But I will do what I have to in order to stay sober.
Awesome list:-) And I didn't mean to scare you, if I did, with the FB invite. Seriously, no pressure at all. Consider it forgotten!:-) You're awesome!
ReplyDeleteMaybe I'm not the best postee today since my husband was one of your texts that flooded in, but since I'm already in a pissy mood, here goes....
ReplyDeleteTHEY ARE LIES!
If only you guys (and girls) could see the world as I see it, through non-addict eyes, you would see that (in no particular order):
-it totally hurts. Everyone. You, me, the woman on the street you lusted after, the porn star who is abused and degraded (literally), me, God. Everyone. (did I say me already?) Because yes, when you act out, it does hurt me. As a woman.
-it's not what you haven't done, it's about what you are DOING.
- The real thing- true intimacy- is way better than acting out and mbing. WAY better. (can I say that on an addict blog?)
-really? you called EVERYONE? bull.
-one time isn't a "lost" day. It's a signal to get your act in gear. The conscious decision to do it again- Not a good thing.
-I'm glad your sponsor grills you. GOOD FOR HIM.
-If she is a serious girlfriend (IS she a SERIOUS girlfriend), she has a right to know. She's involved.
-relationships are awesome when neither of you are a jerk.
-You're not a piece of crap. You're awesome. Get over yourself and get to work.
-women are beautiful. God made them that way. He made you attracted to them so that you could turn to them in times of need (as in- emotional need) because men have a harder time feeling emotions. He didn't make them attractive so you could lust after them. Quit looking at their bodies and start looking at their souls.
-God can and will restore you. But, you have to want it really hard and do the hard stuff.
We are all amazing divine individuals. Whether we are addicts, spouses or lust hits. Our actions don't change that. But, our actions do determine our true happiness. Be happy, not lusty.
Maybe I'm super sensitive today, but to me, this came off super judgy and finger pointy and bashy.
DeleteWe, as addicts, no in our hearts that the above statements are truth, and the obvious, and how things *should* be. If we could simply choose to do all of the above things, don't you think we would?
It's not that easy. It's not that simple. It is a daily battle - one that sometimes is two steps forward and one step back, and on bad days it's 1 step forward and two steps back.
The key is to keep striving and not give up.
You are right. It did sound super judgy. I'm sorry. I am coming off of the receiving end of having been lied to in a major way.
DeleteI know it isn't easy for you. I know you are good, amazing people. Really. And I know you are really trying.
It's really hard to be on the receiving end of the lie.
I DO appreciate your honesty and thanks so much for trying.
DeleteLove you lady:-) Sorry you are having such a rough time. The lies are the worst. I can handle the addiction, it's the lies that hurt the most. I'll put your name in the Temple:-)
DeleteThere are definitely lies that I believe. You're SO right. Satan truly is the Father of all Lies. And I hate how the lies seem so real -so true.
ReplyDeleteYour honesty is awesome.
Great post. Put it very well. I tried to contact u back. Just checking to see if u got it. Hope all is well.
ReplyDelete