Surrender part 1

So the last 2 days have been rough. boo hoo.

I only survived because I made several phone calls and texts and lots of 'surrendering.' 

This term 'surrender' seems to be an interesting concept. I'm not going to give some long discourse or doctrine (i would at another time), but the gist of it is getting out of your head and connecting with someone else.  And not only connecting but openly sharing what you are thinking and feeling and letting it all go.

This is very difficult.  This appears to be the key to staying sober.  I don't know yet if it is the key to recovery but it at least keeps me from acting out.

I have to admit over and over to other addicts that I am weak and insane.

This isn't necessarily self-bashing (ok, maybe?) but I need to admit that AGAINST LUST or those NEGATIVE EMOTIONS I am weak and insane. My brain literally is wired poorly.  I have committed to letting my brain get re-wired in a healthy way.  This takes time. Studies indicate that it takes months and years. 

"I surrender" = "I have to let go"

I have to let go that I have several, several more battles to go. (i only have to win today)
I surrender that I don't get to view the same media as 'normal people.'
I surrender that I can't be on facebook, or checking email, or anything virtual if my head isn't right.
I surrender that I am frustrated that i'm an addict to begin with.
I surrender that I have a strong desire to be perfect and to not make ANY mistakes. (I still believe the phrase "everyone makes mistakes" but I don't believe "it's okay to make mistakes.")
I surrender that I have alot of shame issues and feel that love is linked to our performance. (God may love/like us unconditionally because he is an immortal, perfect being...I feel like I have to 'earn' love and approval from everyone else.)
I surrender that I'm not stable or in recovery enough to enjoy a fulfilling relationship.
I surrender that I don't get to be intimate with someone. All thoughts of that are simply in my head. They aren't real.
I surrender that I am powerless over my defects and insecurities.
I surrender my thinking that life is default bad and not default good.
I surrender the thoughts that I am inadequate and that i'm not an efficient employee at my job.
I surrender the thoughts that until I'm a 100% sober with 5 years of sobriety....I have no real value/worth and cannot be truly loved by anyone.
I surrender my craving to look at attractive girls because 'they are just so hot, ok!"
I surrender my craving to numb out by listening to hours of 80's heavy metal. (yep, giving that up too...I have listening to hymns or Beethoven in my car every morning for the past week)
I surrender my evenings on Monday, Thursday to attend SA meetings.
I surrender my Saturday mornings to attend SA meetings.
I surrender my stubbornness to make a phone call when I'd rather just 'deal with it myself."
I surrender my compulsion to play the victim and want everyone to pity me.

well, that's all I can think of for now.

I feel a little less weight now after writing that.

Good luck to all out there who are full of stress, worry, irritability, fear of the future.  You can surrender those things. You can let them go.

Letting go does NOT equal "i don't care."  It's the opposite somehow.  It is what all mortals must do. We, our carnal natures, our enemies to God. We must let the natural man go.  THAT is surrender.