Ok, i've not posted in some time. And the past 3 weeks have been all over the place. I'll spare the details but recovery has not been happening. The summer gets busy for me. Too busy. Something has to give. I'm having way too much 'fun.'
I physically crashed yesterday. I didn't get a single break all weekend to read scriptures, or go to a recovery meeting. In fact, I haven't been to a single meeting in like 2 weeks. I've missed my Monday meeting for xyz, missed Thursday night because of having to work late hours (work has been way too busy as well), and Saturday meeting has not happened because I'm always off camping or racing.
I couldn't even get out of bed yesterday. My emotional, physical, and spiritual health is about to hit the fan.
Even this week, I'm having to work late this Thursday. And this weekend I'm going camping again. These are things I enjoy but recovery meetings don't happen.
My will and giving it up has been my major obstacle. I want to have fun this summer. And do adventurous things. I don't much have time to do that and also attend meetings.
So...I am going to write up a post everyday for 90 days. I am resolved to do it now...we'll see about tomorrow. I think Stephanie did this once and it seemed to really help. I know i've declared "I'm going to do 90 meetings in 90 days" but I have failed on that every time.
I'm having anxiety about contacting my sponsor too. My contact with him has suffered as well.
Well, I guess recovery has to be worked daily. It has to be desired as well. And it appears that I can't just live life like normal, ordinary people who can play every weekend and stay up late on weekdays. All my friends do that and seem to do fine. I go to pot. :(
I commit to staying sober today. Recovery work is time consuming and 'Inconvenient’ but relapsing over and over isn’t better. My life is getting very unmanageable, which has been my life’s story. All over the place. I would consider it a miracle if things were to become not so chaotic.
Anyway, here’s to the next 3 months….
Woohoo, 90 posts! That's a freakin' lot but I'm looking forward to reading!
ReplyDeleteThanks Seattle. I gotta do it. I have plenty to write about....we all do!
Deletegood to have you back! good luck with the 90 posts in 90 - i think that's a great idea. a little more manageable than 90 meetings in 90 days too. while reading your post about how busy your summer has gone i realized the tendency we have as addicts to be very 'all or nothing' and excessive in things we do in either direction. i do the same thing... funny. anyway. good luck buddy
ReplyDeleteGood grief "all or nothing" is TOTALLY how i am. I want so badly to be neutral. Nope, i'm either a religious fantic or binging. It is rough on my friendships as well. I kinda annoyed two different friends just this past weekend.
DeleteI'm at the point where nothing will keep me from a PASG meeting. I see it as my weekly other sacrament meeting. Why I can understand that feeling of "everyone else is off having fun, why can't I?" I think you need to ask yourself, who are you putting first? It should always be the Lord. Now, I'm not perfect on this (ha ha ha), but I'm trying. Somehow He makes up the difference for the things I "miss out" on when I put my Savior first in my life. Good luck with the posts!
ReplyDeleteDAILIES!
ReplyDeletedailies make all the difference in the world to me and the only way i'm able to manage doing them consistently is that i've committed to doing them in the morning before i allow myself to do anything else.
pray, study, write
you got this!
YES! You're back! And yes, I do tend to write daily posts when I'm struggling, or when I anticipate a struggle. It is totally helpful for me, because I'm always thinking of what to write about and keeping my mind off of what I hope not to write about, you know. I'm looking forward to your daily posts! And, here's the thing. It's important to make goals even if you don't end up following through totally. So, what if you miss five of 90 days, you know? Holy cow, you still accomplished a lot! I'm just saying, don't get caught up in my favorite attitude/excuse, the "If-I-can't-do-it-perfectly-I'm-not-gonna-do-it-at-all-thankyouverymuch." Oh, do I ever identify with that. But I have learned that making a goal and failing to perfectly accomplish it is better than not making the goal at all. I'm not saying that you will miss a day or two- just know that if you do, it's not over. :)
ReplyDeleteI am excited to see your growth in the next 3 months! Writing every day has always helped me focus on Jesus, and so there was always progress!
For what it's worth, I've really missed your posts! So happy you're back.
Yay! Welcome back!
ReplyDelete