Checkin - forget the fancy title

Checking in.  Not writing tons on the blog these days. which is fine.  Reading blogs (there are so blasted many) and trying to comment on all of them is simply not feasible.  Sorry.

You know...only maybe a couple of people know anything about me in real life anyway. I can't remember who wrote it but someone once said "i'm so much cooler in real life."   Haha sometimes I feel I sound way more wise in this blog than i really am.

Honest truth...i'm a complete addict. Textbook definition. I could write a BOOK on how to be an addict.  I know all the tricks. I am a master at not getting caught/faking it/blah blah.

I got punched (in a very healthy way) last night while watching a movie. A girl invited me to go see a movie.  (i declined unless she could convince some other people to come....no one-on-one with girls! I held my boundary!)  We went and saw "Ephraim's Rescue."

I don't know if this is in other states but if you live in Utah....go see it dang nab it.

Rocked me. Very spiritual and very powerful. I even cried... (a little)

I was resentful and prideful and pissed and unwilling all week long.  I threw a hissy fit. I didn't go to my meeting on Monday or Tuesday or even Thursday.  On Thursday, I had this conversation with God:

Me:  "i ain't going to the meeting. I'm sick of them. I can't recover anyway."
God:  "Go to the meeting"
Me: "no."
God:  "Forget about it. Forget what the others will say. Just go."
Me: "NO, i don't want to. I want CONTROL!"

So i didn't. Yay. I won. I won control. And felt like crap.  Yay, my will wins.

Anyway, the movie reminded me that working hard to stay worthy and ready at all times is what GOD WANTS.  I am 'living under my privileges.'  The main guy Ephraim Hanks becomes my new hero. What a saint. What a man of duty and service.

I'll be honest, my potential is pretty good. I could seriously wreak damage on Satan's kingdom. I can terrorize his plan.  I can really build people up. I've always had an ability to connect with others. and make them feel important and to cheer them up. I'm really good at it. But i rarely do it.


So....I am back to giving up my will. Again. MAN, its tough for me.  I give it and take it back. I'm like freaking Gollum with the ring....'my precious."  Precious???  I'm not quite sure how living in a dark cave with the dang precious is going to make anyone's life better.

It won't.

So i give up.  And I am officially canceling my race, Tour of Park City this year.  I would have to train 5-6 hours every Friday and Saturday to do. I have two races this month and then one in July and Labor Day, and that will be it.  I give it up. It doesn't benefit anyone but myself.  (I'd like to post more on that and what it says in the AA Big Book.)

"With that I'll take another 24....."