Monday's post

Feeling some stress today.  I slept good last night and have been productive at work.  I am validating my emotions best I can and also surrendering resentments, fears, and lust best I can.

It is tough being mortal. It is tough having to live life with a brain that has been hijacked by sexual filth for so many years.  I have a hard time trusting any thoughts or feelings I may have.  They just don’t seem to be reliable. And I read Nate’s post today and I rethinking everything that I’m doing.

Lately, I’m enjoying good sobriety. I’m practicing recovery on a daily basis. I am temple worthy. I’ve been a couple of times recently and I feel that I belong.  I went on a big camping trip this past weekend and went for a solo walk on one of the mornings.  I had a heart to heart with God and he loves me and is pleased with me.  I can say straight faced that I am worthy of my priesthood and also of the spirit.

But like Nate says, even with sobriety, we still have all our skewed views of women and relationships.

I’m feeling strong desires to be dating someone.  I want to find a solid girl, pursue a relationship, get serious, and get married.  It is a righteous desire, right??  I tell myself that I would be very well suited for all that. I treat girls very well.  I’ve been told that several times before.   I love kids too and greatly desire that.  I want just one woman to worry about and to love.  I’m so tired of the singles ward scene and trying to impress girls and going on dates and having “DTRs” and all that. 

Maybe I’m too anxious. But that’s how I am….I make a goal, I make a plan, and then I execute the plan.  I don’t see why I need to drag this all out.  If it is absolutely imperative that I wait another 6 months or a year to START going on dates….well, then fine.  But that is not what I’m feeling right now.  I do feel God telling me to be patient and to not stress so much about it.

People will say, “It will happen…it will come.”  Maybe that is true for girls but what about guys?? I am the one asking girls out.  I am the one making things happen.  Every time in my life I have sincerely desired something and put my whole faith into it….IT HAS COME TO PAST.

God created me an agent to act and to make decisions and choices.

But every time I just want to attack the dating scene like some sort of an assassin: dating, dumping, moving on, next date……..I get tripped up with the thought that this addiction that I STILL have…… wreaks havoc on relationships.  I can’t seem to shake this fear and thought.

Is pain the worst thing on this planet??  Why do we have to avoid pain so much??  Maybe I’m weird but I like to engage in activities that produce pain. I like to bike up hills that make me want to pass out.  I like to hike mountains that make my legs and calves and lungs sore.  I like to put myself in uncomfortable positions but with the hope that the outcome will be good.

Is everything a guaranteed disaster while being a porn addict??  The fact is…even with one or five years of sobriety….I’LL STILL BE ADDICTED!        IT IS MY DISEASE IN LIFE.

How perfect do I have to be??  I don’t even know how messed up I still am.  I don’t even know….

Surrendering Lust of the Eyes

Quick post today.  So life is moving forward. I’m staying sober and practicing a life of recovery. I do my best to connect with God daily. My prayers are getting more meaningful and sometimes more desperate.  I realize that I pray to God on a very regular basis….probably 10-15 times a day.  I’m constantly having to surrender.  Every thought and every thing that I see.  I think surrender and living a life of no lusting and no taking requires more than I first realized.  Even if I see a beautiful, modest girl, I have to specifically say to myself, “yes, heavenly father, she is beautiful and has a beautiful figure and body. Good for her. Bless her.  I will not look again and I will let it go.”

Honestly, I cannot look at any girl like that. None of these women belong to me. They are not mine. And honestly, when I am married....I don't think i have full liberties to lust after my wife either.

I read an excellent article on "Porn to Purity" about this.  The idea that I am attracted to girls and yes even to their beauty and figures is not the sin….the lusting, the looking longingly is.  It turns a girl/woman who are daughters of an infinite being into objects. They are not.

So I have really been working on this.

I was also able to attend the temple this past Saturday. It was one of the most remarkable experiences in a temple I’ve ever had. My little brother went through for the first time. The new endowment ceremony video was awesome!! Wow, it certainly portrayed the story in a whole new light.  I was filled with clear revelation that it was true.  I especially like how Eve was protryaeed.  I will spare details because we covenant to keep all of it sacred but it certainly increased my testimony of God and also his role in the universe.

I have greater desires now to pursue marriage and family like I haven’t had in several months.  I know I am an addict but I am not hopeless and I am committed.  I have to surrender that fear and anxiety of having to bring that into a marriage but aside from my addiction I really do have a lot of offer.  I commit to being a solid, respectable, loving, honest husband to whomever God allows me to marry.

#23 What a good weekend

dWell, I had a fantastic weekend.  I’m a bit full of anxiety today. And mixed emotions. I’m having to be very careful with juggling relationships right now. (which is what addicts are WORST at….)

The good points:

·         I didn’t have a ‘full act’ out on Thursday. I did click and look at more than I should.  My arousal levels were way way too high for my liking. The chemicals just about shut down my brain beyond the ‘point of no return’.

·         I had to pray and pray and contact guys and do my best not to give up. The craving didn't leave until i made it to my meeting.

·         I did make it to my meeting that night. I did share. I went in with a bit of resentment and hard-heartedness. A veteran in the group gave me some good advice to not just show up at the meeting but to be involved which means active listening to what is said. Drawing from each share and coming out of the meeting with positive feelings not negative ones

·         I am interested in a new girl!! Yes, there are a lot of anxieties and fears that go with it. “How am I going to bring up addiction?? What if I relapse really bad?? How is she going to deal ‘with it all’??”  But i'm proceeding forward with hope and faith. I'll need some coaching if things get serious at all....but I do intend to get to know her more.

·         I got my temple recommend back Sunday.  As I sat there and answered the questions, I paused at each one to assess how I really felt.  I got confirmations from the spirit to answer that I was worthy but admit that I’m not perfect.  I met with the stake first counselor as well and had a similar experience. What a remarkable experience. Almost a sigh of relief to have that. I treasure having that privilege. I’m going to go every week and never miss!!

·         My book ‘Attached’ came in the mail! Read a few pages last night.  No surprise…but I’ve been a TOTAL avoidant type my whole life.  I think that changed a lot after my serious relationship last year. I hope to learn good stuffs.

The Not so good points:

·         Got an email this morning from a girl in my ward that was hurt by something I said. Apparently she has liked me and was interested in dating. I didn’t quite see that coming. (I’m dense OK?) She invited me to dinner for Sunday the 18^th, I had a family thing. Then she asked for Wed and I mentioned I had a date that night.  Woops. She writes on facebook that she is at her desk crying this morning.... 

·         I’ve been sorta dating two girls the past 2 weeks.  I met a girl at church a month ago and we’ve been out a few times. I haven’t made promises or kissed her or anything besides good-bye hugs. Well, this other girl was a set-up date and I’m starting to like her more.  The first girl… it is her birthday today. I’m stumped on what to do.  I haven’t completely ruled her out….I want to get her something small.  Maybe I should do nothing?? Bloody birthdays…so stressful for us guys. We never seem to get it right.

·         And that’s about it…..the ‘good’ points list certainly is longer!!

#22 Battles and attacks

Battles today. Lots of battles.  People, sometimes we are attacked. Sometimes it is a combination of emotional ‘off-ness’, sometimes it’s triggers. Sometimes it’s something you didn’t plan for.  Sometimes it is Satan throwing a cow pie at you just to be funny. I had a therapist tell me that.  Not everything that jumps into our heads comes from us….but we do have to deal with what gets in our heads.

I am trying to reach out and stay connected.  I called someone and I texted others.  I am still feeling the craving. I can feel it tugging at my brain.  It is a real thing. It is super annoying and inconvenient.

I confess that I am sick. That I have a major allergy.  Sometimes people get colds or headaches.  I rarely get those, but sometimes I get lust headaches or lust colds.  It makes you physically sick as well.

There is an element of stress involved with how I am feeling. I have a project that I want done at work by Monday. I typically only work M-Th but I am thinking of coming in this Friday. I am using this as an excuse to not work as hard today. I still have a few hours left to make some progress. I can feel the apathy getting in the way as well. That is my insanity.  Where I just say “who cares??”

Well….I CARE!  I have a lot to live for….alot to be sober for. Not just for the world but for ME.

I just have to keep surrendering. Over and over. Until I fall asleep.  There are some days, and the addicts know them, where you wake up feeling triggered and it basically stays that way all day.

I drank a little sewerage this morning and now I have to get it pumped. It makes me sick. I can feel the shame. I can feel the self-hatred. I can feel the frustration and apathy biting at my chest.  If these aren’t real feelings I don’t know what are.

Like Nate said, “just keeping swimming…”

I desire to survive today. I DESIRE IT!! I plead that God will let me stay sober. I’m so close. I’m getting my recommend back this Sunday. I know that Satan is trying double hard on me this week.

I have a meeting at 7.  Must. Survive. Until. 7.

#21 Small Miracles

I haven’t posted in a week because I was on a family trip and did a two day backpacking trip.  I must say that I absolutely love being on hikes or in nature. And the more challenging the better.

I had a good experience at church.

I was getting majorly attacked.  Not so much on the visuals but from my ‘database.’  You have to realize that after years of viewing porn and also having a very good photographic memory….I have files and files of stored images.  I would love to be able to just delete them.  Just like on a computer but sometimes I can’t.

 I was in the middle of sacrament meeting and images of all sort of video clips I had watched years ago and some recent came to mind.  It was physically painful trying to keep my head straight and pray over and over. I was also in my brother’s married student ward and seeing all these young couples cuddling and back scratching was more than I could handle.  I pleaded with God to let me survive.  I literally had to fold my arms and stare at the ground to have the moment pass.  This is serious withdrawal symptions folks.

This all lasted a good 30 minutes straight.  During the sacrament I tried very hard to focus on Christ…focus on his power.  He forgave sinners all the time.  I wanted a little something.  And I felt it.  Yes, I felt some light coming through my clouds.  Guys, I totally understand the experience that Joseph Smith had while he was praying in the grove, when he was attacked by Satan.  He seems to quite literally bind your tongue.  Porn addiction does it to you as well!

But I felt some hope.  I felt some forgiveness.  I even went up to the pulpit and bore my testimony.  I can feel it now since I’m writing this.  And I got majorly triggered just now as well.  On stupid facebook!!  I’m telling you…it’s starting to not make sense any more.  I can’t afford to give Satan a micron or even a nanometer.  (trust me…it’s really small….)

I am moving forward with life and trying not to fear causing others pain.  Someone posted a much needed comment on my last post about that.  I think that pain is just part of the game.  I am going to stay sober one day at a time and that’s the best I can do.  I can’t promise myself or anyone else where I’ll be next year….but I can commit to the next 24 hours sober.

This next Sunday….I think I’m going to get my recommend back and I’m more content about it this time. I’m excited about that.  I love the power that God has.  It is not some mystical phenomena to me. It is real!!!

#20 Letter from ex-girlfriend

Ok so today has been a long day.  First off, I got a letter from my ex-girlfriend this morning. It was on my car.  I don’t know when she dropped it off. Probably late last night.

She shared some thoughts she has had lately about me.  Not that she wants to get back together. The contrary actually.  She has been concerned about my complete fear of relationships and how I’m robbing myself of future blessings/opportunities.  She outlined a lot of my qualities and said some really nice things about me.

My first reaction was one of disbelief and frustration. My initial thoughts were: ‘ What do these little compliments mean to me??’  And ‘of course I can’t date….i’m a freakin addict.’  I did. I didn’t want to really buy any of it.  This girl was too ‘lenient’ and too ‘nice’ to me.  How am I going to ever find another girl like that??  This is sexual addiction.  This is viewing porn. This is getting sexually aroused by OTHER WOMEN. This is lust which destroys love.  I know this!!  I have studied this. I have read the blogs.

But i did end up writing her a long email and thanked her for her consideration and words.  She really is an amazing girl. I just didn't feel right about marrying her. Doesn't mean she isn't awesome.

Anyway, work was exhausting today as well.  I failed to let someone I have been working with know about some corrections that needed to occur in their plans.  I had to send this long email explaining the situation and how we need to make changes to some drawings.  The changes are going to need to be done by next Tuesday.  L   I don’t deal with failure well.

And in staying late after work to write the email….I missed my evening meeting.  These meetings are so hard to make every single night.  Freak. How do people do this 90 in 90??  I think 10 in 10 would be a killer accomplishment. 

I’m resenting the idea of putting my life on hold. This addiction puts my whole life on hold.  Well, I don’t like. Not one bit.  I want to live life anyway.  And dang it….I’m going to.

I’m hanging out with a different girl tonight. We’re going to go for an evening stroll downtown.  And I’m not going to make her cry!! Heck, I’m not going to tell her I’m a porn addict and frankly, tonight, I don’t have to!!

But i'm still sober....still making this fight!!!