#23 What a good weekend

dWell, I had a fantastic weekend.  I’m a bit full of anxiety today. And mixed emotions. I’m having to be very careful with juggling relationships right now. (which is what addicts are WORST at….)

The good points:

·         I didn’t have a ‘full act’ out on Thursday. I did click and look at more than I should.  My arousal levels were way way too high for my liking. The chemicals just about shut down my brain beyond the ‘point of no return’.

·         I had to pray and pray and contact guys and do my best not to give up. The craving didn't leave until i made it to my meeting.

·         I did make it to my meeting that night. I did share. I went in with a bit of resentment and hard-heartedness. A veteran in the group gave me some good advice to not just show up at the meeting but to be involved which means active listening to what is said. Drawing from each share and coming out of the meeting with positive feelings not negative ones

·         I am interested in a new girl!! Yes, there are a lot of anxieties and fears that go with it. “How am I going to bring up addiction?? What if I relapse really bad?? How is she going to deal ‘with it all’??”  But i'm proceeding forward with hope and faith. I'll need some coaching if things get serious at all....but I do intend to get to know her more.

·         I got my temple recommend back Sunday.  As I sat there and answered the questions, I paused at each one to assess how I really felt.  I got confirmations from the spirit to answer that I was worthy but admit that I’m not perfect.  I met with the stake first counselor as well and had a similar experience. What a remarkable experience. Almost a sigh of relief to have that. I treasure having that privilege. I’m going to go every week and never miss!!

·         My book ‘Attached’ came in the mail! Read a few pages last night.  No surprise…but I’ve been a TOTAL avoidant type my whole life.  I think that changed a lot after my serious relationship last year. I hope to learn good stuffs.

The Not so good points:

·         Got an email this morning from a girl in my ward that was hurt by something I said. Apparently she has liked me and was interested in dating. I didn’t quite see that coming. (I’m dense OK?) She invited me to dinner for Sunday the 18^th, I had a family thing. Then she asked for Wed and I mentioned I had a date that night.  Woops. She writes on facebook that she is at her desk crying this morning.... 

·         I’ve been sorta dating two girls the past 2 weeks.  I met a girl at church a month ago and we’ve been out a few times. I haven’t made promises or kissed her or anything besides good-bye hugs. Well, this other girl was a set-up date and I’m starting to like her more.  The first girl… it is her birthday today. I’m stumped on what to do.  I haven’t completely ruled her out….I want to get her something small.  Maybe I should do nothing?? Bloody birthdays…so stressful for us guys. We never seem to get it right.

·         And that’s about it…..the ‘good’ points list certainly is longer!!