New beginnings....

I must say that things are really good for me right now.  I feel like maintaining sobriety is starting to click.  I haven’t really done the real work of recovery and getting into all the ‘crap’. (aka emotional, spiritual baggage), but I have at least really felt the power of God in my life.  I feel worthy and I feel that I can continue a day at a time.  I am not having perfect days but I feel that with the tools that I’ve gained from SA…I can handle it at least. I am coming up on getting 30 days of complete sobriety....not a single loss or partial slip. I had a partial slip earlier (with 25 days before that). But I don't want a sobriety date with an asterik attached to it that says *sobriety date... except for that one day where I looked at ....  but didn't FULLY act out.     I'd rather just be clean and pure in every way.  

I’m still super allergic to lustful things, or attractive girls, or images, or certain sites, or certain media, or any hundred other triggers. Surrender is becoming a way of life for me.  I do it constantly.

·         “God, bless that attractive jogger girl in the cute outfit.”

·         “Let my lust go of the ads that pop up on the sidebar of my email.”

·         “don’t look twice, Warrior, Don’t look twice at that very attractive girl that passed you on campus. Let her go. You don’t know her. You don’t need to take or lust after her. You’ll be okay.”

There is a conscious self-talk that happens in the whole ordeal. And I survive.  The SA White Book talks about this. At first, we feel we will explode. Just one click!! Just one look!!  I wasn’t LOOKING for porn!!  We tell ourselves these lies.

We can’t handle it. It’s okay. We won’t die without lust. We won’t. in fact, we LIVE.

                                

And as for dating, I am moving forward with it and I am feeling okay about it.  There is a girl in particular that I am interested in. We had a good weekend and have real open conversations.  I will be out of the country for 2 weeks starting this Friday…so we will see how we feel about each other when I get back.

No rush.  I do get a bit of anxiety at times and ‘butterflies’ of the anxious type, but I’m choosing to give this a chance.  We’ll see how things pan out.  I feel comfortable about it.

When I get to the point of having to confide in her my struggles, I can only pray that I share my story in a proper manner.  I can only be open and honest.  I have to let go of her reaction. I can only concern myself about that when the time is right…..can’t be stressing about it now.