Tuesday's burden

I need to outline some realities for myself.  First off addiction is real.  It is an emotional, spiritual, physical obsession.  It is enslavement.  It is powerful. It is seemingly rewarding. Addiction requires very little. It is easy, thus it is easy to acquire and easy to prevail.

Recovery on the other hand requires patience, exertion of will to petition higher forces, time, diligence and consistency.  Recovery is a very conscious and deliberation set of actions. Recovery can’t be attained by the individual alone. This may be the most critical element of its success and quite possibly the most difficult to master.

I have been struggling over the past week and a half.  I have not been so inundated with tasks and challenges and decisions like this in well over two years. I am so committed to recovery but my actions seem to support otherwise. I am devoting my life just to stay afloat the load of work and school.  This is frustrating because I need recovery work. I need meetings. I haven’t gone to a meeting in over a month.  I can conjure up myriad excuses and pretexts but the fact remains that I have a lot to do. I’ve been consistently one week behind in my school projects which are very time consuming.

I lack the faith and possibly the ability to make the priority to spend ample time in actively addressing this addiction. It does not solve itself. It simply does not.

Mingle the stress of the ‘load’ and the diminishing hours of sleep, and I face a growing temptation more and more.

My sobriety suffered. My confidence suffers.

It is rather pitiable and sad that we addicts only get to express the woes on these blogs. Perhaps we seek comfort or some sort of validation. It seems to be at the root of our addiction anyway. We are so much more.

There seems to be a fine line between humility and self-loathing. Perhaps it is more apparent to the outsider, but for me….it is a fine line. I acknowledge my plight.  I admit my problem.  But I suppose I lack in taking the next two steps…that God can and will restore me and that it requires my entire will and soul.

Just three more days until my work week is over. 3 more days. Then the beginning of Fall break. I need a break….