Disclosure: “the act or process of revealing or uncovering”
I think it is time. To let my girlfriend know of what I am dealing with. I’m not going to sit and worry that this is a long time coming that may be true. But moving forward… This is going to be a super logical approach. Recommendation or comments are encouraged/welcome
It is fair that:
A) She knows that I am an addict, that it is a current struggle, but also that I do have a game plan.
B) She has a right to decide how to proceed with the relationship and I must respect that.
I want to first establish things on my end, what it is that I desire:
· I want to continue dating and getting to know her
o I see her as a strong woman and someone that would make a solid wife/mother. This does not imply that we will be married, only that I want to continue the relationship as two normal people going through the normal custom of courtship.
· I want to actively work a program of recovery
o I feel it fair to let her know what things I’m doing and on what days. Of my dailies, of who (generally) is working with me
o I also want her to know of specific struggles, slips, relapses, partial slips and how I am dealing with those things. This is the difficult part but honesty must be involved. Her level of involvement is the part that I may not quite know how to answer at this point.
Consultation
· She needs to make a sincere decision. I would recommend that she takes time to pray and consult whomever she needs to. I would recommend that she consult people close in her life. I don’t want to prohibit her, but rather trust that she’ll be respectful. I’m okay if she confides in her parents, select friends that know me personally, her bishop, and possibly other wise spiritual leaders that she knows.
· On my end, I will consult people beforehand as well. I am writing this post. I will discuss with my bishop, meeting with counselor tomorrow, with other recovering addicts, and maybe even a few WoPA’s directly.
Possible Outcomes
A. Break up immediately. We thank each other for the wonderful time together and go our separate ways. If the discussion of continuing as friends comes up, I am going to have to say no. I’d rather be IN or OUT.
B. Trial period through the holidays
o Continue to date and maintain open communication. We have plans to go to my family for Thanksgiving and even spend time with her family during Christmas
o She can leave at ANY time. She is in no way bound to me.
C. Date for several more months (through the spring)
o More thoroughness and honesty. Make decisions on her level of involvement. Should she attend support groups? Come to therapy/counseling with me? Again, this is TBD.
D. If continuance to dating is right and is desired, I recommend a minimum of 6 more months before getting engaged. I think it is wise and that it is fair.
Manner of confession
· Proper preparation
o Mentally and spiritually
§ Attend temple
§ Prayer, prayer, prayer
§ Consultation
· Designated time and environment
o This Friday evening with no distractions. A spiritual, quiet place. Temple grounds?
· My story (oh dear…)
o I am recovering from sexual addiction. This does include pornography. The addiction is not exclusive to that. I am an addict to lust. My forms of acting out include; lusting, taking ‘lust hits’, viewing visually stimulating material, fantasty/thoughts, lusting after women even when not expressly pornographic, and physically via masturbation, even to the point of orgasm.
· Current situation
o I am in this now. This is not all in the past and a done deal. I’m currently 21 days sober. I have had slips in that period. I have had full relapses since we have been dating exclusively. **This is the hard news. I admit that this may be the deal breaker. This is going to be the toughest part to discuss.
o When I get stressed in life or emotionally off, this is my struggle. My recovery work has not been active nor consistent over the past 2 months. Life has been busy with full-time work and 9 credits of graduate school, but is no excuse.
o Define relapses (NO SPECIFIC DETAILS)
o I will let her know that I am temple worthy. I have a bishop that has allowed me to assess that on a weekly basis. Merely having a recommend does not constitute worthiness. (other people may be mixed on this, but I will decide for myself)
o I do have strong desires to work hard at this. I do have a strong testimony. I do understand the process of repentance and recovery.
· Program of Recovery
o NO MINIMIZING BUT I WANT TO FOCUS ON THIS ASPECT THE MOST
o I have an outline in my journal as to all the elements of recovery. I will not give the exhaustive list at this point. But involves recovery at every level. Monthly, weekly, daily, moment to moment. Working steps. Working with others. Etc. Etc.
· Feedback – Q&A
o Discuss addiction in general – the hard truths and realites, the studes
o Discuss the role of Satan in these last days. Sexual addiction is chemical warfare that Satan is waging against the sons of God. (and daughters too)
o Whatever she wants to know or discuss
Time for her to make decision
o See ‘possible outcomes’
Well, this is as good as I can plan it out. It is a different story in the moment. I really, really hope I don’t chicken out. But I do have to be mindful of the Holy Ghost and what it impresses on my mind. If I feel impressed not to share at this time, then that is what I will do. But this is my plan and I will move forward with it.
If you have any sort of comments please include them or send me a personal email if you have it.
BE BRAVE!!!! - That is one of the theme's from The Togetherness Project a bunch of us WoPA's just attended.
ReplyDeleteYOU are brave. I honor and respect you so much! Seriously - I am rooting for you like crazy. I recommend putting both your names on the Temple rolls prior to the disclosure. GO YOU!!
This is brave! The Lord will help you with this and I think it is great that you can say you are in recovery and temple worthy! That is honesty and that is wonderful!
ReplyDeleteKudos buddy - this is a scary time of life, but also a great one. You have the opportunity to establish a transparent relationship with a great girl. So many of us have screwed the transparency/honesty part up... you never have to! Respect and patience with her decisions is vital and it seems you get that. Also that her talking with another female about this is huge, particularly one a little further down the road that can answer her questions and help her deal with feelings. Good luck man.
ReplyDeleteI am so, so glad you are going to do this. As a WoPA, I have been hoping you would tell her sooner rather than later. I have almost commented several times, but held back. I didn't have that honesty before marriage. Even though this will be crushing to her, you are showing her that you are courageous! Hopefully, that will help.
ReplyDeleteThere are a couple ladies at my 12-step group who are dating addicts. Perhaps, depending on how things go, and maybe this is for a future discussion, but gently suggest going to a PASG meeting for herself.
Again, maybe not part of this initial talk, but a recognition that marriage will not fix this. She might not know that, either.
As Sidreis said, Be BRAVE!
I agree with Nate, as well, that talking to another female further down the road will be SO helpful.
You can do this! It is so important that you do. :)
You'll both be in my thoughts and prayers!
One thing that stuck out is that this all seems to kind of be about you and your addiction and your recovery. Not that you aren't thinking about her because I can see that you are and that you are encouraging her to find help and that is AWESOME. But I had the thought that rather than just jumping into EVERYTHING and all of the details, I hope you take time to ask how she is feeling. I think once you confess that you have an addiction to pornography, her head might explode. Even when that is the ONLY thing you have said. So in that moment, instead of trying to prove how hard you are working to fight it or how possible recovery is, it might be best, in that moment to ask how she is feeling and to listen, REALLY listen to her.
ReplyDeleteBe open, be honest, be vulnerable, let her know what you are doing and what you are learning and what you encourage her to do. That is great and brilliant and I don't know how many conversations it will take to get everything out. But try to be mindful of her and how she is feeling. This isn't just about you and your addiction and getting this off your chest. And I'm not saying you don't know that, because I think you do. But show her that SHE matters.
Be brave! You don't have to do it perfectly. Pray for the Spirit to be with you and be honest and real and present. Good luck! You are doing the right thing, even if this destroys your relationship, it is the right thing and it is the most loving thing you can do for her and for you. I so desperately wish my husband could have been more honest anywhere along the way, including now. You can do this!
-MM