Need to recount an experience yesterday. This battle rages on. If this truly is my battle log than I want to
tell of a vital victory I had.
I like to do volunteer work. For one it keeps me occupied
but I like to do things were I don’t have to serve myself or seek some sort of
gain. I tutor an English class every Wednesday
to a few Latinos. (4 total but sometimes
they don’t all come). I really enjoy it.
I speak Spanish so the program directors give me the ones that basically
don’t know any English.
Well, there is a program aide that comes around to check on
the groups and help out when needed. And yes, she is a very attractive girl.
And yes, I like to flirt with her any time she comes by. I’m not trying to
cause any trouble (maybe that’s all in my head) but I am a very conversational
and friendly kind of guy.
She knows quite a bit
of Spanish so I will ask her tough translation questions or ‘how would you best
explain this??’ So as she came by, she
went to grab my dictionary that was on the table where all my students and I
were sitting. And she bends over right in front in me. I don’t need to say more....
Well, I did my best to surrender but I’m in the middle of
class. But yes, the image was printed in my head. I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t
want to see what I saw. It happened. I
don’t want to blame myself for any of it.
But the fact remained, something triggering for me had entered my
system.
When class was over, I immediately made some calls. I called
two people but only left messages. Then I got home and made some dinner. I
texted two different guys and they gave me some good input. I was doing my ‘surrender.’ I wrote in my journal about what happened and
wrote truth statements and positive things.
I prayed for the girl. I asked to
let it go. She is not mine. She is not mine to take from. I don’t need to
fantasize about her. I’m committed to do my recovery work for now. I don’t need
to daydream about asking her out or trying to do more with her. I don’t need
that.
Well, I don’t think my heart was convinced, because when I knelt
down for my nightly prayers, I got bombarded with more thoughts. Somehow my addict self thinks I can lust a
little and get away with it. This is my insanity!!! I HAD A MINI PANIC ATTACK! Seriously,
thoughts of ‘I really liked the shirt she was wearing….I wonder what she looks
like without the shirt….I wonder what her figure looks like, she’s really trim….blah
blah blah…”
I had to get up and get out of the room!! I put on shoes and a coat and went outside
and immediately called someone. He didn’t
pick up. It was 11 pm by now. I thought
of going back inside and just praying more.
But I needed to talk this out. I
finally got a hold of Pete. And laid it out.
He totally called me out on everything.
He is the one that pointed out that I had not surrendered fully.
BUT I HAD PRAYED AND TEXTED!! I DID ALL THAT SURRENDER REQUIRES!!
You know when your surrender is sufficient??? When you have received peace and calm. Irritability. Uneasiness. Restlessness. These
are not the fruits of true surrender to God.
Light bulb.
My surrender isn’t done until I experience those feelings.
Well, I got back to my room, get into bed, and just pour out
my heart. ‘God, I’m spent. Take this one for me. I have done what I can. Please
just take this. Please do the rest where I am powerless.’
And it worked….it a very quiet and humbling way. It brought
tears to my eyes.
That is how I stayed sober.
One little event….required a huge learning experience. These are the true battles for me. No blood. No swords. No grand victory
ceremony. Nothing. Just me. And a few
guys I texted. And God. (and now anyone
who cares to read this post!!....)
One day at a time.
One moment at a time.
seriously good insight here... I literally "hmmm'd" as I read this! I often contact others when I am triggering or craving, but honestly, I tell myself that's enough. That I've given it up... and then I still feel irritable, uneasy, etc. I like the simplicity of knowing that when I've truly given it up I will feel peace. I need to process that a little more, and for sure work on being more sincere when giving that up. Thanks for this! And great job!
ReplyDeleteThis was so helpful! Thank you for sharing! :)
ReplyDeleteYes. Very good insight. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI just started to read your blog this morning, matter of fact, I started from the beginning and am now here. I must say that I commend you in your constant attempts to stay sober everyday, even though I realize this will always be a constant battle. I am the wife of a porn addict. We have been together 9 years, married almost 8 now. I am a Christian, he has little faith and is not, so we are unequally yoked. Over the last several years, his addiction has reared it's ugly head, but only by the grace of god, was I able to see what was actually going on in my marriage and why true intimacy has never been there. I have to accept that my husband is broken and he needs help. I am amazed by your strength and perseverance on staying sober. My frustration comes from my husband knowing he has a problem, but believing that "avoidance" will keep him from going back, and I know it will not. I have tried to stay supportive and loving through the last several years, but it is getting harder, the battle between Satan and the lord. Satan tells me to dump him because he is not "trying" to do anything to get better but avoid by staying busy, the lord tells me to stay because I said for better or for worse. I used to feel insecure as a woman and a wife( and I am no means unattractive at all), but scripture has finally shown me that this is not about me, and this is not something that I can fix. Several years ago, I was dealing with my husband viewing hard core pornography, infidelity, lying etc... the list goes on an on. Now that I think about it, I realize that my husband is a very broken down man that has some deep personal issues to resolve and that stem from when his parents divorced when he was 15, he is now 45, he has been dealing with his addiction for 30 years. I don't think he quite grasps what I tell him, by how the porn affects our marriage and destroys a person and their mind. I tried telling him that the addiction is actually induced by the images and dopamine being delivered to his brain, every time he views that garbage and whittles away a piece of him every time. Maybe he needs to hit rock bottom by losing something dear to him before he "gets it". My point is, is that, at least you have taken the steps to recovery and are implementing those steps by making yourself accountable for your actions and how you hurt yourself and others, I commend you for that. It really takes a strong man to get in touch with his emotions nowadays and to actually feel those emotions instead of avoiding them, I believe this is a good sign on the road to recovery. You are in for a long journey, but PLEASE do not give up hope, even on your dark days, as I have the power of scripture and god behind me, this is what gives me the strength to love my addict and understand that he needs me and the boundaries I have set. Prayers to you for a safe recovery, as you have a new follower on your blog, and I will be checking your recovery, quite often~ the wife of an addict.
ReplyDeleteReplyDelete
thanks for the comment Heather. I'm sorry to hear about your situation with the husband, but I am very glad to hear about your strong insight on the nature of addiction and also your faith in God. Addictions of all sorts have proven to become great 'teachers' of God. I have seen plenty of atheists/agnostics/God-haters/ex-Christian/ex-this and that....become believers once again. We ALL (you included) need to face the fact that we are mortals in a condition that REQUIRES the grace of God.
DeleteThank you for the words on hope and not giving up....it is tough. Indulging in this addiction is so easy. So pleasurable. So readily accessed. So easily lied about.
You ought to recommend SA for the husband. There are PLENTY of men just like him. I'm no expert on this! I just happen to be one man among thousands...i just happen to write a blog about it! I've been banging my head against the addict wall for a long time. My head hurts. I am ready to just go through the door and not try and bash the wall over.
thanks again! God bless you! Check out the women blogs that I follow. All great stuff!! We are LDS (mormon) but we are devout Christians. http://ldsaddictionrecoveryblogs.blogspot.com/
I LOVE this so much, Warrior. I am so thankful that I read this and that you wrote it. I had some lightbulb moments myself through it.
ReplyDelete