Sober but restless

I had another great insight today that was spot on for me. I am listening to the talks of Joe and Charlie, a couple of sober AA guys.  They do a live recording of discussing alcoholism and the 12-steps.  It is all stuff that I need to hear and learn (and they’re way funny!)

Charlie was discussing what our illness is….what are obsession is.

It is physical AND emotional/mental

Physical

They first make it clear that alcoholics have a distinct allergic or negative reaction to when alcohol enters there system. It triggers a craving. This is scientifically based. There is something in their physical bodies that produces a craving that is powerful and not able to subside.

In the same way, I have an altered brain from my years of viewing sexually stimulating material coupling that with masturbation/orgasm.  I have a very distinct physical reaction when something triggering enters my system. For the average person, when a 0.2 second scene of a woman in a tight dress flashes across their screen, they may see it….and then think nothing of it.  However, it goes into my head, and I will think about it later, I will want to fantasize about the woman, or think about other women in the same way. It triggers a craving.  My brain is programmed to do it.

Now that I have been continuously sober from viewing porn or masturbating for 31 days now, the physical craving is not what I am dealing with on a moment to moment basis. The brain still needs several more months to heal and rewire but I am at least not putting ‘alcohol’ into my system.

Emotional

What I am dealing with now is the emotional/mental obsession.  This is the more deep rooted part. I have plenty of emotional defects and holes in my character. It comes from a variety of reasons.  I was wronged as a kid. Or I have held on to resentments or buried pain. Or I don’t really like myself or possess any self-love. Or maybe I am bitter towards someone or something or some sort of institution, ad infinitum.

Lately, I feel sober but I feel restless, irritable, and discontent. I’m having to deal with shame, guilt, and remorse.  (as Charlie explains).  Lust and porn and being sexually stimulating was a ‘drug’ or ‘alcohol’ that I turned to in order to find some stability and pleasure and contentment. However, the drug, my wonderful savior, became my enslaver and master.  I can’t control my lusting.  SOME DAYS I WISH I COULD! Sick as it is…I wish I could have sexual and stimulating experiences and then be done and okay!! But the moment I get lust into my system or act out with porn....all i want to do is disengage from the world and get more and more. My system can never get enough!!!  (golly, I wonder if love-filled sexual intimacy in marriage is better, otherwise I’m going to have to be a sober, virgin the rest of my life)

This is the role of recovery and the 12 steps.  To flush out all the negative. This is the part that TAKES TIME.  It is uncomfortable. It is something I just don’t know how to do well.  I have started working on these things a while ago. I’m getting better but I have much work to do. I'm following what my sponsor and my therapist say.

The end goal is:  A SPIRITUAL AWAKENING, A VITAL SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE, A PROFOUND CHARACTER CHANGE.

And only God, and him alone, can produce such a change.

I can seek out alternatives to feel better….I can work out for 2 hours.  I can seek the attention from girls. (it always makes me feel good, really).  I can get into dependent relationships. I can get all busy with work or church callings or service. These things are all good things.

But ultimately…..I have to make the REAL connection. And that is with a higher power who truly, infinitely loves and cares about me.  It is a higher power that possesses POWER!

This is my quest.

One. Day. At. A. Time.

People of King Benjamin take Steps 1,2,3

So after spending so much time reading the 12 steps and going to meetings, I can’t help but see the parallels in the Book of Mormon or other scriptures.

I was reading Mosiah 4 today.  I’m a slow reader and I’m trying to get depth. So my whole study today was the first 3 verses.

I think the principles within the first 3 steps are doctrinal and true.

# 1 – coming to know we are powerless and our lives are unmanageable on our own

#2 – coming to believe that we need some sort of higher power to restore us to sanity and spiritual health

#3 – we then turn our lives and wills over to the care of this higher power.

Ok, so verse 2:

The people come to a realization of their ‘nothingness.’  They see their fallen and hopeless state. They see that they are carnal and that they have committed sin.  In a sense, they have come to see their ‘powerlessness.’        STEP 1

More verse 2

“…and they all cried with one voice, saying: O have mercy, and apply the atoning blood of Christ that we may receive forgiveness of our sins, and our hearts may be purified…”

They petition the help of a higher power.  Based on what Benjamin taught them (chapter 3), they see that they need additional help and that God can and would if he were sought.  STEP 2

They didn't just pray for forgiveness but also that their hearts will be purified/changed. That is the eventual goal of recovery. Not so much to remove the addiction but to remove the obsession.

And be uttering this prayer, they are turning their lives over to God.       STEP 3

The results???

Verse 3:  The spirit of the lord comes upon them, and they are filled with joy, having received a remission of their sins, and having peace of conscience, because of the exceeding faith which they had in Jesus Christ…

Wow, what an excellent outcome!  I want this to happen!!  This is the desired result of a proper surrender.  In my post about a small(BIG) victory I gained a testimony of this….that without the reception of peace of conscience and joy….you probably haven’t truly surrendered it to God.

Day at a time!

Side note: I’m wanting to get rid of facebook.  It’s like one of my ‘bottles of alcohol’ that I keep stored in the house.  I deactivated it today….but not deleted it.  I’m torn on this. I wish there was some way to have it out of my life for the next few months but then revive it later when I have more sobriety/recovery.

And today is my 30 day mark of continuous sobriety.  Not perfect. Not 100% free of lust.  But I’m happy to have not acted out fully on lust during the past 30 days.

Weekend Battles (and victories)

I need to get some negative stuff out.  I feel like I’m barely hanging on sometimes. I’d like to think I’d be some sort of expert on this lust addiction stuff but I am not.

I’m super weak emotionally. I realize it more and more as I stay sober. The White Book talks about this and I am seeing it lately.

When we remove the lust/porn/MB/fantasy, we think we will just have it so much easier. But the reality is that I have years of frustration and emotional damage that I just don’t know what to do with.  Some moments I am so angry and violent and I don’t even know why.

Here is an example:

I went to the temple Saturday night. It was a pretty packed session.  I was having a good day. Went to a meeting in the morning. Did service in the afternoon that involved making art crafts with kids. (I absolutely love little kids…). Did a hard 2 hour work out.

Well, the session was full of so many very attractive girls. Good grief, so many good looking LDS girls in this world.  I had to keep my focus.  I started to resent them.  I was sitting in the chapel. Alone. And watching these guys get to sit next to their beautiful wives. I resented the guys too.  Bc somehow they got to win the heart of these beauties.  They are OBVIOUSLY worthy so maybe they don’t have to deal with a sex/porn/lust addiction every day of their lives. Maybe they are lying. Who knows?

Then the new video. I will spare details for reasons that what occurs in the temple is very sacred.  But I was resenting the video too and the young couple in it. So darn happy! They got ‘punished’ and they are all emotional yet happy about it.

I was cringing the whole time.

I get to the final room of the ceremony and everyone is in groups. All the handsome guys with their very attractive wives.  I sit alone.

I try to be strong but honestly, I hate it.  Sometimes I just hate the fact that I am a freaking addict. I hate being alone now.  I like to choose to be alone every once in a while, but golly it’s tough when it’s how I have to be all the time now.  But this is what I must endure. This is part of my recovery and making my amends to the world.

Well, I had a little chat with God while in there.  Because not a single thing any other person in that room was doing….was a bad thing. No one was trying to hurt me.   The hurt and resentment was all me. It was in my head.

I had to have God remove it.

I call someone, we chat. I call my mom even and that semi helped.

I get home and I’m still just off.  OFF. And I get out my journal and write it out, but I wanted to be mindless. I wanted to stop thinking and feeling.  The temptation to go upstairs goes through my head. I know that I can’t.  It is my boundary.  I go upstairs anyway. I turn it on.  I start watching Rocky IV. Right during the final stretch when Rocky is training to fight the Russian.

Then it goes to commercial. And I change channels. And there is a workout informercial on and some show with immodest girls on the Spanish channel.

I’m done. I’m out. I can’t handle this stuff.  I turn it off. Now I’m pissed at myself for being so foolish and careless.

More surrender. More journal writing. I text some people telling them what I just did.  More prayer and then I just fall asleep.

Sunday was a great day. So glad I stayed sober, because church was just really nice. Recovery has gotta be the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Last night I have disturbing, anxious, violent, and frustrating dreams.  No reprieve sometimes. Am I getting stronger from all this??