Sober but restless

I had another great insight today that was spot on for me. I am listening to the talks of Joe and Charlie, a couple of sober AA guys.  They do a live recording of discussing alcoholism and the 12-steps.  It is all stuff that I need to hear and learn (and they’re way funny!)

Charlie was discussing what our illness is….what are obsession is.

It is physical AND emotional/mental

Physical

They first make it clear that alcoholics have a distinct allergic or negative reaction to when alcohol enters there system. It triggers a craving. This is scientifically based. There is something in their physical bodies that produces a craving that is powerful and not able to subside.

In the same way, I have an altered brain from my years of viewing sexually stimulating material coupling that with masturbation/orgasm.  I have a very distinct physical reaction when something triggering enters my system. For the average person, when a 0.2 second scene of a woman in a tight dress flashes across their screen, they may see it….and then think nothing of it.  However, it goes into my head, and I will think about it later, I will want to fantasize about the woman, or think about other women in the same way. It triggers a craving.  My brain is programmed to do it.

Now that I have been continuously sober from viewing porn or masturbating for 31 days now, the physical craving is not what I am dealing with on a moment to moment basis. The brain still needs several more months to heal and rewire but I am at least not putting ‘alcohol’ into my system.

Emotional

What I am dealing with now is the emotional/mental obsession.  This is the more deep rooted part. I have plenty of emotional defects and holes in my character. It comes from a variety of reasons.  I was wronged as a kid. Or I have held on to resentments or buried pain. Or I don’t really like myself or possess any self-love. Or maybe I am bitter towards someone or something or some sort of institution, ad infinitum.

Lately, I feel sober but I feel restless, irritable, and discontent. I’m having to deal with shame, guilt, and remorse.  (as Charlie explains).  Lust and porn and being sexually stimulating was a ‘drug’ or ‘alcohol’ that I turned to in order to find some stability and pleasure and contentment. However, the drug, my wonderful savior, became my enslaver and master.  I can’t control my lusting.  SOME DAYS I WISH I COULD! Sick as it is…I wish I could have sexual and stimulating experiences and then be done and okay!! But the moment I get lust into my system or act out with porn....all i want to do is disengage from the world and get more and more. My system can never get enough!!!  (golly, I wonder if love-filled sexual intimacy in marriage is better, otherwise I’m going to have to be a sober, virgin the rest of my life)

This is the role of recovery and the 12 steps.  To flush out all the negative. This is the part that TAKES TIME.  It is uncomfortable. It is something I just don’t know how to do well.  I have started working on these things a while ago. I’m getting better but I have much work to do. I'm following what my sponsor and my therapist say.

The end goal is:  A SPIRITUAL AWAKENING, A VITAL SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE, A PROFOUND CHARACTER CHANGE.

And only God, and him alone, can produce such a change.

I can seek out alternatives to feel better….I can work out for 2 hours.  I can seek the attention from girls. (it always makes me feel good, really).  I can get into dependent relationships. I can get all busy with work or church callings or service. These things are all good things.

But ultimately…..I have to make the REAL connection. And that is with a higher power who truly, infinitely loves and cares about me.  It is a higher power that possesses POWER!

This is my quest.

One. Day. At. A. Time.