So yesterday's post was super negative. I'm going to write another one now so that I can assess how i'm feeling afterwards.
I just have moments where I feel all those things. My therapist wrote me back some solid stuff. I am getting self-centered by only thinking about me all the time. ME MEMEMEME...
I'd like to get out of my pity part and contribute in more meaningful ways to the world. I feel like I'm in such a grandiose person that I'm entitled to just have all that I want.
Well, not sure what else to say. I'm still in a downer mood today a bit. Sometimes I just seem to lose my will to keep plugging on and on. In the races that I do I know how long the race is. I know how long it will typically take. I know where the finish line is. And towards the end when you are pushing hard...you can see the finish line. You see it there. You can say to yourself "i will push it to that point and then finish!!"
I had a race two summers ago where I pushed so hard that I pretty much collapsed at the end. I had mild heat exhaustion. I had to lie down in the medical tent....I couldn't see or walk straight. It was a great finish.
With recovery....sometimes I don't know what the end goal is...I just wake up, live life, try to stay sober, and go to bed. One day at a time. What else can I do?? My end goal is 'peace, joy, freedom'....??? Not quite sure how to measure that.
I want to feel like my life is of some sort of meaning or purpose. I try to contribute but when I'm isolated so much it's pretty much me with me. My relationships with others have been rather strangled. I have too much fear to hang out too much with girls. I don't connect with too many guys my age.
I'm becoming a set-in-his-ways older bachelor.
I'm buying a house now and will be moving in April. I'm really excited for a change of scenery. And a new ward. I feel like I'm just getting a bit anxious for some new flavor.
I want this weather to get better so I can start doing some outdoor adventures too. Maybe I have the seasonal blues...
I appreciate the honesty in this post. There's no doubt that it's a downer situation! Still, this thought occurred to me a few nights ago: it took a long long time for the addiction to become so entrenched in our lives. And it was a non-stop attack, constantly eroding our self control. Isn't it a bit unrealistic to think that what took over a dozen years to form can be broken up in one or two? I don't say this to be frustrating, but I know at least for me, because I want to change immediately, I get impatient with myself. I sense the same from you. But considering how often someone in your position gave in to temptation throughout the years, you're doing a fantastic job at resisting. That doesn't excuse anything, and it doesn't mean it's ok, but it does mean that you don't have to be too hard on yourself. You have a LOT going for yourself, and I know you (we) can do it!
ReplyDeleteSo more songs from me, I find it helps with the thoughts. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ycNs4qYLoak&list=PLuKIM1xV7VgU4hpygNqtZsLjXuR_8FKiW&shuffle=272
ReplyDeleteHey man - good to hear from ya. Sorry things are rough lately. You're running analogy is interesting, with the not being able to see where the finish is and whatnot... I wonder if there even is a finish line. Or if there is one, what it really entails. For me it seems more like just learning a good, healthy pace to run at and then learning to enjoy running for its own sake. And obviously we can't run forever, and I know that you're aware of what recovery is more than just sprinting to the finish... but sometimes it's easy to get tunnel vision and finish-fever when we are down. Keep your chin up and eyes forward. Slow down a little bit. Look for little victories to keep you positive. Hang in there amigo.
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