So I am learning some things in recovery. Not necessarily things I have never known before but things that are becoming more apparent. I went on a real fun trip this past weekend. A 5 day backpacking trip with some buddies. I had some good time to ponder while in some beautiful scenery. I definitely felt God's love and presence.
I was chatting with my girlfriend last night. (we are hitting our 3 month mark dating this weekend....not a big deal to some but this is the longest relationship I have ever stuck with...and I'm 27.) Kinda out of no where she starts talking about some of the "talks" she had over the weekend while I was gone. I knew that she had discussed things with her mom and also her sister n law. This time she had a long chat with her older brother. (I am refering to her talking about dating a boy who is an addict). Her brother is a very spiritual person and actually works in a respectable position for the Church. But even he is not immune to the plagues of P/M, so he was able to give her some sound advice. She also had a thorough chat with her bishop.
At first, I was bothered. Not so much about her getting some support. I have seen from reading everyone's blogs that women HAVE to bond and connect with other women. I am okay with all that. But b/c it is such an unpleasant thing to talk about. It just bothers me. This girl has alot of faith and confidence in me. I have been really good to be open and to share and allow her to be apart of this. We both know that she can't fix it or really do anything, but she likes to feel involved. I am beginning to see that women want to fight the battles together. They want to know what we are feeling. They want to know when we struggle. They don't need to know the details, but updates.
Anyway, I am going through step 2 right now in the program and have been thinking alot about God restoring me to sanity. I am struggling with this. I don't know what I expect him to do. I have spent the past several years trying to run my life like a well-oiled business. I have schemes and plans and schedules and lists of my triggers and how to react in every situation. I do quite well in most every area of my life. But the idea of letting God work his magic on me, I am at a loss. I like to track progress. Maybe that's why I like the "days of sobriety". It is a number. Just like I know what my mile split is in a 5K. Or I like to know how long my hike is...10.1 miles or 5.5 miles round trip. And what's the elevation change. And what's my projected heart rate. Or in school...when is a project due...what is my grade...what are the test scores. But with recovery...how do you gauge it?? I still feel like I need another 6 months of solid sobriety before I can forgive myself and fully love myself. I don't feel like I have 'earned' it. I don't get the award or get to stand on the podium until I have trained and raced hard enough. But my thought this weekend was that life is not all about results. It is not about the days clean!! It is about the efforts. It is about your heart, your desires, your humility, your surrenders, your opening your heart to God.
Well my girl is super wise and perceptive. She tells me how she knows that God loves her no matter what. There is no earning His love. Even forgiveness. She says that I have already received it. The atonement is already done. God will heal us and fast as we will let him. That is a concept that I am still trying to accept. Forgiveness can be instanteous. No, the addiction doens't go away. Triggers don't. Temptations don't. Recovery doesn't. But we can accept today/right now that God loves us unconditionally!
I think that will be my next big break through....accepting that I can be forgiven, that I can forgive myself, that God loves me, and that I love myself. I really feel that when I know those things in my head and in my heart....I will be able to make better progress with loving others and especially this girl.
As I drove away (at like midnight....I get up at 6 am), I felt like I may possibly am starting to love this girl. Which is also something I have never experienced. My body and heart still resist it. I have created sophisticated walls to defend myself from love....they are even specially designed to be Warrior-proof. So now I am letting this girl and also God break the walls down. While I held her in my arms with our very long goodnights...I could honestly tangibly feel walls cracking and breaking down in my chest.
One day at a time. Always ONE DAY AT A TIME. Day 82 for me today. And that's all I can do.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
Lust vs Porn
I just read the latest post by Andrew on lust.
I totally agree with him on this. I feel for the first time in my life I am actually experiencing recovery. Abstinence and sobriety are certainly great but recovery is our true objective. Not even mere repentance. I have repented of this sin. I have received my temple recommend. I obey the law of chastity. But I am still working on recovery. It is hard to accept but it is no different for a cancer survivor.
Sure, I have to avoid porn or anything stimulating but more importantly I need to be aware of any mood shift, any lusting, any "drinking" as we call it. no sense being a 'dry drunk.' I have to surrender my desire for anything that is taking from someone else. I can't look at a woman and "take." I can't watch that commercial when I should look away. I have to give it ALL up. Not keep a part.
I am winning this battle lately. Not because I am any more capable than I was before. I am winning becasue I am tapping into the true sources of power: God and the fellowship of addicts in recovery.
I shared my first step inventory last Thursday. I read every detail of it. They all know what I have done. And that has given me alot of strength. I made a stronger bond with the group. I don't have to fight sex/lust/porn addiction alone anymore. Nor am I going to. I have a great sponsor too who points out what I wouldn't have seen before. Recovery can be attained if we seek it in the right way.
Day 73 today. ONE. DAY. AT. A. TIME.
I totally agree with him on this. I feel for the first time in my life I am actually experiencing recovery. Abstinence and sobriety are certainly great but recovery is our true objective. Not even mere repentance. I have repented of this sin. I have received my temple recommend. I obey the law of chastity. But I am still working on recovery. It is hard to accept but it is no different for a cancer survivor.
Sure, I have to avoid porn or anything stimulating but more importantly I need to be aware of any mood shift, any lusting, any "drinking" as we call it. no sense being a 'dry drunk.' I have to surrender my desire for anything that is taking from someone else. I can't look at a woman and "take." I can't watch that commercial when I should look away. I have to give it ALL up. Not keep a part.
I am winning this battle lately. Not because I am any more capable than I was before. I am winning becasue I am tapping into the true sources of power: God and the fellowship of addicts in recovery.
I shared my first step inventory last Thursday. I read every detail of it. They all know what I have done. And that has given me alot of strength. I made a stronger bond with the group. I don't have to fight sex/lust/porn addiction alone anymore. Nor am I going to. I have a great sponsor too who points out what I wouldn't have seen before. Recovery can be attained if we seek it in the right way.
Day 73 today. ONE. DAY. AT. A. TIME.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Attacks today
I need to post. I am still at work but I'm so bored. and so tired. I am going on a trip tomorrow and I want today to be over already. All of the staff is leaving early but me and another. which means there will be no supervision. And I will wrap up the projects I have been working on long before I actually have to leave. It just lines it all up.
I have been getting attacked all day today. All week really. The lust in me never sleeps. never goes away. Even my dreams at night get pornographic. There is nowhere to really hide. I went to the temple on Tuesday just becuase I didn't think I would survive the week. Sometimes I hate being attracted to every pretty girl. I hate that I want to fantasize about all of them. And I am not even talking about sexual things. Sometimes I see a cute, nice LDS girl and wish that I could be with her. The lust is never content though. There is always some better looking girl around the corner. I'm just so tired of it. I am tired of being alone. but I don't like the idea of having someone close in my life. I just don't like it!! I think I need to stop reading the blogs out there of the women married to addicts. I HATE causing people pain, especially girls. I just don't want that! I am still super addicted. My brain is still REALLY corrupt. I get alot of pleasure from going to random girl's profiles on facebook even and looking at their photos. they don't even know me. they don't even care. But when I get bored at work...that's where I want to go.
I am doing my first step inventory share tonight at my group meeting. I am also going to discuss how I want to be lusted after. I want girls to want me. I go to parties and I want to flirt with everyone. but I have no interest in forming a relationship with anyone. I don't even want to get action later. I bask in the attention. This sounds like some insecure teenaged girl. Is there something i lack?? Can I not get past things that may not have been the best for me during my teenager years??
I just want to be a good person. A nice guy. I want to be a blessing not a burden in someone's life. I repell love. I don't love attachments. I just want the girls to want me or say things about me, but the idea of having a normal relationship with them....and I want to withdraw. I want things to just be friends.
I'm just exhausted. I can't even fathom how it feels to be stuck with an addict. You have to overcome those fears. Fear if he is looking at crap. Fear if he is lying. what a terrible situation.
I don't know...i'm at a loss right now. I am very glad that I have survived 68 days but it is exhausting to think I have another 5,000 to go. I can only go a day at a time, but sometimes I feel like healing is going slower than that. I AM DOING WHAT i THINK I CAN!! meetings, praying, reviewing goals, getting good sleep, eating well, going on dates with the same girl, being open and honest, getting help, working the steps, calling my sponsor, trying to stay focused at work, evaluating how I am feeling.... I'm just going on faith here. that somehow it gets easier. Somehow it gets better. blah.
I have been getting attacked all day today. All week really. The lust in me never sleeps. never goes away. Even my dreams at night get pornographic. There is nowhere to really hide. I went to the temple on Tuesday just becuase I didn't think I would survive the week. Sometimes I hate being attracted to every pretty girl. I hate that I want to fantasize about all of them. And I am not even talking about sexual things. Sometimes I see a cute, nice LDS girl and wish that I could be with her. The lust is never content though. There is always some better looking girl around the corner. I'm just so tired of it. I am tired of being alone. but I don't like the idea of having someone close in my life. I just don't like it!! I think I need to stop reading the blogs out there of the women married to addicts. I HATE causing people pain, especially girls. I just don't want that! I am still super addicted. My brain is still REALLY corrupt. I get alot of pleasure from going to random girl's profiles on facebook even and looking at their photos. they don't even know me. they don't even care. But when I get bored at work...that's where I want to go.
I am doing my first step inventory share tonight at my group meeting. I am also going to discuss how I want to be lusted after. I want girls to want me. I go to parties and I want to flirt with everyone. but I have no interest in forming a relationship with anyone. I don't even want to get action later. I bask in the attention. This sounds like some insecure teenaged girl. Is there something i lack?? Can I not get past things that may not have been the best for me during my teenager years??
I just want to be a good person. A nice guy. I want to be a blessing not a burden in someone's life. I repell love. I don't love attachments. I just want the girls to want me or say things about me, but the idea of having a normal relationship with them....and I want to withdraw. I want things to just be friends.
I'm just exhausted. I can't even fathom how it feels to be stuck with an addict. You have to overcome those fears. Fear if he is looking at crap. Fear if he is lying. what a terrible situation.
I don't know...i'm at a loss right now. I am very glad that I have survived 68 days but it is exhausting to think I have another 5,000 to go. I can only go a day at a time, but sometimes I feel like healing is going slower than that. I AM DOING WHAT i THINK I CAN!! meetings, praying, reviewing goals, getting good sleep, eating well, going on dates with the same girl, being open and honest, getting help, working the steps, calling my sponsor, trying to stay focused at work, evaluating how I am feeling.... I'm just going on faith here. that somehow it gets easier. Somehow it gets better. blah.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
ABC's of addiction
So I want this blog to focus on recovery and addiction (enough of my dating life)
This post derives from Andrew's rowboat and marbles post. but I wanted to post my thoughts on it. I truly believe what he is talking about.
ABC....the levels of addiction. And why we are fighting the wrong battles.
A = debilitating negative emotions
B = lust
C = sexually acting out
We spend alot of our time trying to remove C. Removing C is putting a filter on the computer, putting the computer in a high traffic area, having rules/boundaries with your wife about sex, trying to "not think about sex", only masturbating once a week ("ok I will go 2 weeks this time!"). This are certainly good measures to have. Yet, we expend a lot of energy on trying to simply curb our behavior. We have great schemes and plans. Why don't all us addicts just lock ourselves up in a white padded room for a whole year with no women around??? That will 'cure' us, right??
NO.
B generates more C.
B is lust. Lust is wrongly/selfishly using ourselves, others, things to attempt to satisfy our own appetites regardless of consequences. It is the polar opposite of love. It is Satan's GREATEST counterfeit.
But we are honest LDS men! We aren't selfish!! But we are... Lust is more than just looking at porn. Lust is a monster that can be fed in numerous ways: viewing porn, acting out, dirty literature, fantasy, trying to connect with women to feed ourselves, even non-sexually, objectification, imagination, leering, thinking to yourself, "dang she is hot..she's hotter than my girl/wife", etc. The bottom line is that we are TAKING from others....from women to get some sort of fix. Even saying to ourselves, "but she is so beautiful. She is like a priceless piece of art...a beautiful sunset." - well, you just compared her to an object. (objectification, BTW)
"But I didn't go all the way!! I didn't click on that dirty site!"...But you were thinking it...but your lust was being fed. Sad part is that lust is "cunning, baffling." We read that in SA all the time. Addicts don't realize they are lusting. We don't even realize it half the time. That's why we need the help of trained people who see clearly. We need the fellowship. We need sponsors. We need therapists.
We are powerless alone against lust.
A generates more B.
A are the debilitating negative emotions. Fear, resentments, shame, humiliation, depression, loneliness, rage, remorse, GUILT.
As LDS men we can't drink. We can't smoke. We can't use drugs. Those things are an obvious NO-NO. So we turn to lust/porn.
Removing the A is the part that we absolutely need the help from others. We have to pump to sewerage out. This part takes time!! I have been going to group meetings, seeing therapists for the past 3-4 years. I have never gotten far with recovery. "But I'm going to meetings! But I am seeing the therapist! But I saw the bishop 3 times last month." Those are great things, BUT WE MUST GET TO THE ROOTS!!
That is why deep self-reflecting/self-honesty is the way to clean it out. It must be a spiritual cleansing above all. God gave man weakness that he may be HUMBLE. But with the atonement, our weaknesses can be strengths! We have to utterly admit our powerlessness. I will say this again, "IT IS NOT WEAKNESS TO ADMIT YOU ARE WEAK!" THE OPPOSITE....IT IS STRENGTH. I can't comment more on overcoming A because that is where I am at currently. The reason I am on day 62 today (which is the longest I have gone clean in 6 years...since the mission) is because I am finally working the program. I am finally working on my emotions, my resentements, etc. I never thought i was resentful. "I am such a nice guy. Everyone was mean to me!" See what i mean? You have to work the program thoroughly. I have going to be writing the fourth step inventory in the next week or so. I want to get it all out!
This is a long post but I feel strongly about this. We can't be wishy-washy anymore. We have to decide to forfeit the addiction on all levels or don't at all. No more bandaids on gapping wounds!
One. Day. At. A. Time. (one hour at a time if you have to)
This post derives from Andrew's rowboat and marbles post. but I wanted to post my thoughts on it. I truly believe what he is talking about.
ABC....the levels of addiction. And why we are fighting the wrong battles.
A = debilitating negative emotions
B = lust
C = sexually acting out
We spend alot of our time trying to remove C. Removing C is putting a filter on the computer, putting the computer in a high traffic area, having rules/boundaries with your wife about sex, trying to "not think about sex", only masturbating once a week ("ok I will go 2 weeks this time!"). This are certainly good measures to have. Yet, we expend a lot of energy on trying to simply curb our behavior. We have great schemes and plans. Why don't all us addicts just lock ourselves up in a white padded room for a whole year with no women around??? That will 'cure' us, right??
NO.
B generates more C.
B is lust. Lust is wrongly/selfishly using ourselves, others, things to attempt to satisfy our own appetites regardless of consequences. It is the polar opposite of love. It is Satan's GREATEST counterfeit.
But we are honest LDS men! We aren't selfish!! But we are... Lust is more than just looking at porn. Lust is a monster that can be fed in numerous ways: viewing porn, acting out, dirty literature, fantasy, trying to connect with women to feed ourselves, even non-sexually, objectification, imagination, leering, thinking to yourself, "dang she is hot..she's hotter than my girl/wife", etc. The bottom line is that we are TAKING from others....from women to get some sort of fix. Even saying to ourselves, "but she is so beautiful. She is like a priceless piece of art...a beautiful sunset." - well, you just compared her to an object. (objectification, BTW)
"But I didn't go all the way!! I didn't click on that dirty site!"...But you were thinking it...but your lust was being fed. Sad part is that lust is "cunning, baffling." We read that in SA all the time. Addicts don't realize they are lusting. We don't even realize it half the time. That's why we need the help of trained people who see clearly. We need the fellowship. We need sponsors. We need therapists.
We are powerless alone against lust.
A generates more B.
A are the debilitating negative emotions. Fear, resentments, shame, humiliation, depression, loneliness, rage, remorse, GUILT.
As LDS men we can't drink. We can't smoke. We can't use drugs. Those things are an obvious NO-NO. So we turn to lust/porn.
Removing the A is the part that we absolutely need the help from others. We have to pump to sewerage out. This part takes time!! I have been going to group meetings, seeing therapists for the past 3-4 years. I have never gotten far with recovery. "But I'm going to meetings! But I am seeing the therapist! But I saw the bishop 3 times last month." Those are great things, BUT WE MUST GET TO THE ROOTS!!
That is why deep self-reflecting/self-honesty is the way to clean it out. It must be a spiritual cleansing above all. God gave man weakness that he may be HUMBLE. But with the atonement, our weaknesses can be strengths! We have to utterly admit our powerlessness. I will say this again, "IT IS NOT WEAKNESS TO ADMIT YOU ARE WEAK!" THE OPPOSITE....IT IS STRENGTH. I can't comment more on overcoming A because that is where I am at currently. The reason I am on day 62 today (which is the longest I have gone clean in 6 years...since the mission) is because I am finally working the program. I am finally working on my emotions, my resentements, etc. I never thought i was resentful. "I am such a nice guy. Everyone was mean to me!" See what i mean? You have to work the program thoroughly. I have going to be writing the fourth step inventory in the next week or so. I want to get it all out!
This is a long post but I feel strongly about this. We can't be wishy-washy anymore. We have to decide to forfeit the addiction on all levels or don't at all. No more bandaids on gapping wounds!
One. Day. At. A. Time. (one hour at a time if you have to)
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
How to treat a birthday girl
The girl I am dating has a birthday tomorrow. Sadly I work until 6 pm and then a work meeting until 8 pm. probably wont get to see her. We are doing something Friday during the day and also something Saturday.
She's not into gifts. I do feel this pressure (probably me imposing it) as the "boyfriend" (which is I title I don't care for) that I should do something nice. Any ideas???
Honestly, I have trouble staying interested in her week in and week out. Maybe I should do more acts of love or be more open?
Ah, some days I wish I didn't have "someone I was dating." After years of being an addict, you get very accustomed to isolation and not having to report to anyone.
She doesn't impose any pressure or expectations so I have nothing to whine about.
I read somewhere recently (i read too much about this addiction...I just have to know everything from every point of view) that it takes a good 7-12 months of sobriety until you are able to enjoy stable recovery. until then I can crash at any moment....that is draining to hear... is it really such a good idea for me to drag some girl into my life?? ah, it seems so risky.
I don't want to dwell on that negative though. I have to be positive. I have to fight. I have to trust my program, my sponsor, and mostly God. I can only manage a day at a time. Day 61 today.
She's not into gifts. I do feel this pressure (probably me imposing it) as the "boyfriend" (which is I title I don't care for) that I should do something nice. Any ideas???
Honestly, I have trouble staying interested in her week in and week out. Maybe I should do more acts of love or be more open?
Ah, some days I wish I didn't have "someone I was dating." After years of being an addict, you get very accustomed to isolation and not having to report to anyone.
She doesn't impose any pressure or expectations so I have nothing to whine about.
I read somewhere recently (i read too much about this addiction...I just have to know everything from every point of view) that it takes a good 7-12 months of sobriety until you are able to enjoy stable recovery. until then I can crash at any moment....that is draining to hear... is it really such a good idea for me to drag some girl into my life?? ah, it seems so risky.
I don't want to dwell on that negative though. I have to be positive. I have to fight. I have to trust my program, my sponsor, and mostly God. I can only manage a day at a time. Day 61 today.
Monday, May 7, 2012
More Fears
So I need to dump right now. It is becoming apparent that there are so many levels to recovery and healing. Stopping the act is just the beginning. I am pleased that I am not intaking more lust and images and filth. I am very grateful for that.
But some things have been bothering me. I realize that I have more fears and worries that I want to write down. I am not sure how to approach/address them at the moment but I am going to diligently seek some reprieve or comfort from God.
· I fear I’ll date and date this girl – and somehow still not be interested
· I fear that the moment life or the relationship gets stressful – I’ll crash and burn and be right back in my addiction.
· I fear that the main reason I am dating this girl is b/c I know how much it helps me stay sober
· I fear that the main reason I like dating her is the evenings where we get to hold each other, cuddle, and kiss. (it is rather nice, this is the first time in my life I have enjoyed this.)
· I fear that if she gains weight or can’t keep up with my active, adventurous lifestyle – I’ll be less physically attracted to her and seek that elsewhere.
· I fear she may be the more assertive and committed one in the relationship and I’ll shrink back and feel less important, less needed.
Those are the fears I have. I do desire to live by faith. Well, at least, I greatly desire to want to live by faith. I don’t necessarily know at this moment what to do with the fears, but I felt a need to write them out.
I want to pray about these things all week. I get to go to the temple on Friday!! (I’m even nervous about that)
How else can we let go or deal with fears?? (We can't sweep them under the rug, but we can't let them sweep us under the rug either)
Day 59 today. One. Day. At. A. Time
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Back to the Temple
I'm a bit full of emotion today. I had a good chat with the bishop last night. I was with my girl right before. She knew i had the appointment. I even talked her into coming and waiting outside his office. (seriously, this girl is absolutely amazing.) The bishop is going to give me the recommend back this sunday. I haven't had a renewed recommend in 3 years. And I haven't been in a temple in a year.
Afterward, I sort of broke down. I have lived with the mindset that life is about doing your duty and living with pain. Being worthy was never an option....I was simply an addict.
Now, apparently the bishop thinks I am worthy enough. Apparently God feels so too. But I still don't quite feel it. I struggle to forgive myself. (i've done horrible things) My girl feels I am worthy too. She can feel it. (girls do have this sense...Maurice calls it the creepy guy detector)
I am so glad she was there to support me. I still struggle with the fears that she is going to end up in recovery meetings, crying for hours, seeing therapists, comtemplating leaving me.
I have to surrender those fears...they don't have to be reality! I don't have to be a victim to this addiction anymore!! I can't panic or I will lose. For some reason, accepting forgiveness and healing is difficult. (don't we want this to be healed??)
Day 54 today. One. Day. At. A. Time. Writing this out makes me feel much better.
Afterward, I sort of broke down. I have lived with the mindset that life is about doing your duty and living with pain. Being worthy was never an option....I was simply an addict.
Now, apparently the bishop thinks I am worthy enough. Apparently God feels so too. But I still don't quite feel it. I struggle to forgive myself. (i've done horrible things) My girl feels I am worthy too. She can feel it. (girls do have this sense...Maurice calls it the creepy guy detector)
I am so glad she was there to support me. I still struggle with the fears that she is going to end up in recovery meetings, crying for hours, seeing therapists, comtemplating leaving me.
I have to surrender those fears...they don't have to be reality! I don't have to be a victim to this addiction anymore!! I can't panic or I will lose. For some reason, accepting forgiveness and healing is difficult. (don't we want this to be healed??)
Day 54 today. One. Day. At. A. Time. Writing this out makes me feel much better.
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