I need to post. I am still at work but I'm so bored. and so tired. I am going on a trip tomorrow and I want today to be over already. All of the staff is leaving early but me and another. which means there will be no supervision. And I will wrap up the projects I have been working on long before I actually have to leave. It just lines it all up.
I have been getting attacked all day today. All week really. The lust in me never sleeps. never goes away. Even my dreams at night get pornographic. There is nowhere to really hide. I went to the temple on Tuesday just becuase I didn't think I would survive the week. Sometimes I hate being attracted to every pretty girl. I hate that I want to fantasize about all of them. And I am not even talking about sexual things. Sometimes I see a cute, nice LDS girl and wish that I could be with her. The lust is never content though. There is always some better looking girl around the corner. I'm just so tired of it. I am tired of being alone. but I don't like the idea of having someone close in my life. I just don't like it!! I think I need to stop reading the blogs out there of the women married to addicts. I HATE causing people pain, especially girls. I just don't want that! I am still super addicted. My brain is still REALLY corrupt. I get alot of pleasure from going to random girl's profiles on facebook even and looking at their photos. they don't even know me. they don't even care. But when I get bored at work...that's where I want to go.
I am doing my first step inventory share tonight at my group meeting. I am also going to discuss how I want to be lusted after. I want girls to want me. I go to parties and I want to flirt with everyone. but I have no interest in forming a relationship with anyone. I don't even want to get action later. I bask in the attention. This sounds like some insecure teenaged girl. Is there something i lack?? Can I not get past things that may not have been the best for me during my teenager years??
I just want to be a good person. A nice guy. I want to be a blessing not a burden in someone's life. I repell love. I don't love attachments. I just want the girls to want me or say things about me, but the idea of having a normal relationship with them....and I want to withdraw. I want things to just be friends.
I'm just exhausted. I can't even fathom how it feels to be stuck with an addict. You have to overcome those fears. Fear if he is looking at crap. Fear if he is lying. what a terrible situation.
I don't know...i'm at a loss right now. I am very glad that I have survived 68 days but it is exhausting to think I have another 5,000 to go. I can only go a day at a time, but sometimes I feel like healing is going slower than that. I AM DOING WHAT i THINK I CAN!! meetings, praying, reviewing goals, getting good sleep, eating well, going on dates with the same girl, being open and honest, getting help, working the steps, calling my sponsor, trying to stay focused at work, evaluating how I am feeling.... I'm just going on faith here. that somehow it gets easier. Somehow it gets better. blah.
I know what you mean - some days, I'm amazed at how easy it is to not be tempted, but then there are days where it's all I can think about and I feel like it's only a matter of time before I give in.
ReplyDeleteThe good news is that at least I recognize now what's going on and can see the cycle. Although I'm really trying to not have a relapse, I also make sure to tell myself that if I do, it's not the end, I'll keep trying. I'd rather have a one-time relapse than get so down on myself that I just stop trying (which was what I used to do when I was on for months at a time, then off for a few weeks, then on again).
Hang in there and don't give up hope . . .
It is incredible how powerful our mind is. It is almost like someone else jumps in and takes over. I remember so many days of constant battles. I can always look back and find the point where I was strong enough to intervene and where I became helpless. For example, if I focused on a girls face and thought she is a daughter of God... and left it at that. Or if I let my eyes wander, my thoughts become lustful, and then again and again. After the first few times I felt doomed and knew it was only a matter of time. I already gave in to the lust. Slowly the degree of it was getting worse, until I failed completely.
ReplyDeleteThis cycle seems endless. It is all about controlling from the first instance there might be a thought about a thought that might, even maybe be lustful. I liked to sing primary songs. It may be turning the other way, although you make look funny doing multiple u-turns. I have become passionate about overcoming this and being positive. Don't beat yourself down. Email me some time. I would love to talk.