Falling in love????

Ok, I need to post.  I also need to be doing a million other things, but I need to get this out.

Am I am love??? 


Ok, I don't claim to be an expert on anything.  I am a pretty sharp guy, I can recount useless facts and can solve algebra problems quite fast, but with in the realm of love/relationships.....who knows?

Here is the latest.  I have been dating (yes, i am still in it) for 3.5 months now.  It has easily been the best relationship I have ever had.  The past few weeks have really risen to a new level.


I shared back on May 30th about how my feelings changed over the weekend of a backpacking trip. We saw each other everyday that entire week.  It was awesome.  Then we spent quite literally the entire weekend together.  (no i did not spend the night with her though) Then that Sunday, June 3, I had this burning desire in my heart to tell her that I loved her.  No, not necessarily that I am now in love with her and that I want to marry her, but I was bursting at the seems to express a little more than "hey, i like you."

I kinda fumbled it but I said it.  And I think I really meant it.  She was beaming and even got a little teary eyed.  (she is a strong girl and doesn't cry much in front of me).  It was pretty aweseome. She expressed similiar feelings.

The next day, Monday June 4th, she comes with me to my parent's house for my brother's birthday party. We had a tough discussion with my sister who is no longer interested in religion.  I went home with a lot of frustration in my heart. I have some really deep rooted frustrations and pains in me. Deeper than I realize at times.  I have buried stuff a long time.  I couldn't speak. I was tense.  My girl held my hand. patiently and tenderly.  She is a god send!  I finally let down my walls.  I let it go.  (and we followed with the most beautiful snuggle and kissing session ever!)

The next day...same thing.  then the rest of the week...my emotions were so off. I called my mom and explained how my feelings don't work and that I can't date this girl anymore.  (good grief...I'm the moody girl in this relationship).  I didn't see her until Saturday. Come to find out later....she struggled that week.  She felt I had lost interest. She closed up too.  We don't do well when we don't have consistent reassurances.

Then that Saturday, (i was a little nervous) she comes to the door and I fell in love with her all over again. Her embrace was a little weak. We sat and just chatted at first.  Eventually we couldn't resist and held each other for a good hour. We spent the whole day together again.  She spent all day Sunday with me again up at my parents and met alot of my family that was in town that day. Everyone loves her. (i guess I do too!)

We have felt some awesome feelings.  We hold each other for hours and even the kisses are better. (honestly I didn't think we could top that Monday night, but this past Sunday trumped even that night!)


This is a fruit of recovery!!  I can feel love again!!  I tell my girl that as much as I can.  She has changed my entire world.  I don't know what happens next.  Nothing is a slam dunk.  We had a tough talk last night. I still have alot of pains to root out and clean out.  Shared some personal fears....her included.  She really fears that I will leave her and she is afraid to admit that she needs someone else. But we are committed to learning and working at this. 

Love does require a bit of work after all.

Was it always so up and down for y'all?? 

 (not talking about the addiction periods but the beginnings and/or even during the healing...)

day 97 today!!!  One day at a time.  I am excited for group tonight