The mind of the addict

I was thinking about something awesome that Maurice taught me a while back.  I didn't quite understand fully what he meant but now that I am enjoying some small amount of recovery I do so more.

He gives some killer lessons on how the brain works and especially the addict mind.  first and foremeost the brian is designed to be efficient.  It prefers to create neural pathways that require little work to connect to.  for example, viewing pornographic material and masturbating produce some incredible chemicals in the brain.  Since the brain receives such a release of dopamine and other chemicals it wants to repeat those results as easily as possible.  when life gets rough or boredom sets in or any other trigger, the brain gets more efficient and producing those same reults.  The whole science behind any addiction is that the brain has rewired itself to get what it 'needs'

Like I have posted before, the root of the addiction is lust and negative emotions that where never dealt with properly.  Acting out is simply going with the flow of the brain.  It is easy.  It feels good. honestly right in the moment it is better than a large bar of belgian chooclate. The only problem is that it becomes more and more a driving desire, and requires more and more to get the adequate fix. It is degenerative in every way.

But we realize how unmanageable that style of life is.  how miserable it is.  Being a prisoner is so exhausting.  We can't hardly connect with others in any way. So we get the proper help.  surrender.  work the steps in humility.


Maurice speaks of 5 levels of the brain.  The first two levels are the states that are just below the conscious level.  whether men admit it or not, we are feeling emotions on the first two levels pretty much every moment of our lives.  level 1 are emotions that simply are.  they aren't necessaily good or bad.  It is constantly going through our system.  level 2 are emotions that are negative but ones that we often believe.  It may be a bit of resentment.   A bit of stress.  A bit of anger about something else. The idea is to become more and more attuned to what the brain is doing at these first two levels.  I think the better question to ask an addict is not  "what are you thinking" but "what are you feeling??"  "What are you experiencing at this moment??"  This requires a great deal of careful consistent training and practice.  Like sports or triathlon training.

Level 3 is much more familar.  it is the first conscious thought. After we experience some mixed emotions and a trigger sets in,  the brain offers us a little thought.  "hey why not go act out."  alot of times these deviant thoughts are just the brain doing what we programmed it to do.  However, often Satan himself likes to throw these in there. This is usually where we think we need to fight our battles.  This is usually where we try and "get back on track."  The only problem is that at this point, there are already some deviant chemicals going through the brain.

 Level 4 is having the 'retarded conversation'.  it goes something like this, "hey so you pondered my suggestion from level 3, what you going to do? go find some garbage to look at."  then we respond  "no I am not going to, but it would be rather nice right now....I mean I am a little off.  But no, i promised my wife/bishop that i'd be clean."  The addict brain continues to plead the case.  Then the whole body makes its way to a computer still having this 'conversation'  we say to ourselves "Ok I will just check my email."  "I just want to go to sports illustarted because i like the sports updates." or "I just want to watch a little cable TV....noone is here at the house and I need a break."

Mix that with some more chemicals/deviant thoughts and an image here and there and the brain is tipped over the edge.  This is level 5.  This is the screw it moment.  At this point, our families, our jobs, being arrested, don't really matter.  Brain sorta just takes over.  Not a lot of rational thinking at this point.  In fact, the blood stream that supplies the pre-frontal cortex (rational thinking part of brain)  is shut off. 

levels 5-10 don't need any explanation...it is full animal addict mode. We get what the brain needs and life continues but we now feel like s**&^.


The greatest reason I am making any progress is that I am learning to keep my brain on levels 1 and 2.  I assess how I am actually feeling all the time.  When I'm getting tempted and attacked, I have to stop and assess what things am I feeling.  what lead to this attack??  Is it simply Satan throwing a cow pie at me??  I feel it.  I surrender it to god. i tell someone else.  If it persists then i alter my enviornment.  I repeat the process until my brain can resume properly.   I somehow don't explode if I don't act out. I survive.

I have to admit that this is insanely hard. Especially when life throws so many wrenches in your routine. There never seems to be a break.  That is why we just have to win one moment at a time.  One day at a time. Day 90 today. Maybe i'll get one of those cool 90 day chips tonight at group. Yipee!