This past weekend I attended an SA retreat. SA stands for sexaholics. Yep, I go to the meetings. SA is solid. It is honest. It is rigorous. It works when I work it. We had a recovery 'guru' named Harvey come in. i say "guru" because he knows recovery but he wouldn't claim for a second that he is cured and that he has all the answers. The guy has done the worst of the worst. But after 28 years of sobriety and traveling the world with his wife, I would say that he is doing pretty dang good.
The theme was "positive sobriety". Harvey makes the case that we can't simply fight this battle out of fear. Fear of losing the job. Fear of losing the wife and kids. Fear certainly helps but is the the cure. (Sometimes we get a secret thrill from the fear....cutting corners/getting away with risky act outs)
He quotes the white book, "taking the actions of love; giving back; making the real connection."
I will wholeheartedly support that. I stay sober when I CONNECT with the real world and with real people and my real pains/defects. 1 - I connect by building a relationship with my God. I pray to him often and let him know my struggles. I surrender my lust to him. 2 - I connect with my SA support group (great group of guys!!). I make calls when things get rough. I have to connect. Or i die. it's that simple. And we have to be honest and sometimes explicit to be real. (Maybe not with non-addicts...but especially with our sponsors or support group. ) I connect with other human beings...in non-sexual ways!! 3 - I connect with myself and who I really am and with what i truly love in life.
I feel alot of love and the spirit when I share positive moments with my girlfriend. When I let go of fears and stupid lust, I feel closer to her. I will be in recovery today, bc the feelings I get from being with her totally trump the addiction. The addiction is certainly pleasureable. It is. I wouldn't do it if it wasn't. But it's so fake. I can talk to my girlfriend, connect with her, hold her in my arms, and lovingly kiss her....AND IT ALL FEELS GREAT....with no guilt attached!!
Harvey also points out that we have a DISEASE. like cancer. Like a heroin addiction. People we need to grasp this. And NOT be hopeless about it. Cancer patients have two choices: choose to get treatment and fight to live, or do nothing and slowly die. I may never be cured of an allergy to lust. I may never get to watch PG-13 movies with those "scenes" anymore. I may not be able to watch ordinary TV like most people. I am not in a position to get a smart phone. I'm too allergic. You think people allergic to peanuts like it?? At first no...but they get used to it. What about you gluten-free people? I had a roommate in college who was lactose intolerant. Yeah, sometimes he ate ice cream or drank milk....BUT IT MADE HIM SICK! (and gave him terrible gas...:(
Harvey also is very grateful. He writes a grateful list to God every morning. He strives to give back. He strives to experience emotions.
Sometimes we addicts can't rely on our brains. OUR BRAINS GOT US IN THIS MESS. Sometimes we have to do things we don't "think" we should do.
Recovery is a day at a time program. For me, it is one moment at a time. My brain is constantly being triggered and constantly wants to resort to the drug. I've done it the past 13 years. I am retraining how I do everything and how I think. I give up my desire my the lust and the fix and the fantasy. i'm so powerless against all of it. But I can survive and even heal with God.
Today is day 33. ODAAT. This is all slow going, but I want to keep going. I want to win every day the rest of the year. but even with the loftiest goals....I can only win now. I can only surrender negative emotions and carnal desires TODAY.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
Update
I felt a need to check and write some thoughts. A lot has happened in the past month. Life goes on. I officially hit my half-year anniversary (6 months if you should know) with my relationship. What a roller coaster. We have worked through some very hard things.
Three weeks ago we had a rough week. I was getting bombarded with temptations and lust. The relationship is a source of stress for me, along with training for races that I do. I can be so selfish in what I want to do in life. The relationship seems to "get in my way." I didn't fight much that week. I went the whole week getting beat every day. Even after one night where we had a serious chat. She was planning on going with me up to a race i was doing that required spending the night. The conversation we had that Friday I will never forget. (I now understand what some of you have been through).
I had a terrible act out the night before. No MB but plenty of viewing. Nothing extreme but enough to destroy my senses and soul. I was devastated and disgusted with myself. I knew of our trip, but I had to tell her. I am rubbish at holding things in. She comes over. Very bothered. It hurt. It hurt us both. She explained to me that she wouldn't be coming. She told me flat out how bad it hurt her. She is understanding and supportive but she doesn't have to tolerate this. I wholeheartedly agreed. She gave me the ultimatum that I'm sure many have shared... either you choose addiction or you choose me. I am very very glad that she has the strength to confront me like that and express how she feels.
I have been battling the absolute best that I can since then. It's a miracle she still wants to duke this out with me. It's beyond me. We've decided to keep dating since we just plain like each other. In fact, we love each other. But at the same time, we are not going to get engaged or move in the marriage direction until we are absolutely sure.
Come to find out, she is finding that she has plenty of personal issues to work on. Fortunately her issues wont keep her out of the temple or destroy a family. When she gets real stressed, she becomes real unpleasant to be around. I'm not being mean saying that and she might agree. Last week for example, I had a day where i ran into considerable temptations and had to pray and plead with God and make some calls. I barely survived the day. I was feeling great that evening when I say her. She was in this stressed, not-very-conversational mood. She didn't seem stoked to see me. I went home all upset and bummed. I have real issues with self-pity as i am seeing. but she called and apologized and we felt better. I went to the temple Friday and felt better feelings for her. We ended up having a great weekend.
Funny how having the spirit, not being selfish, and living in recovery increases my ability to have love and improves life all round. Any of our weaknesses can be thorns in our sides/relationships.
But everything comes down to the day. To the moment. All the knowledge in the universe is good, but if we react poorly in the moment....doesn't seem to matter. I still have to plead with God in every tought spot. Make a call. Reach out. Lust thrives in negative emotion and secrecy.
Three weeks ago we had a rough week. I was getting bombarded with temptations and lust. The relationship is a source of stress for me, along with training for races that I do. I can be so selfish in what I want to do in life. The relationship seems to "get in my way." I didn't fight much that week. I went the whole week getting beat every day. Even after one night where we had a serious chat. She was planning on going with me up to a race i was doing that required spending the night. The conversation we had that Friday I will never forget. (I now understand what some of you have been through).
I had a terrible act out the night before. No MB but plenty of viewing. Nothing extreme but enough to destroy my senses and soul. I was devastated and disgusted with myself. I knew of our trip, but I had to tell her. I am rubbish at holding things in. She comes over. Very bothered. It hurt. It hurt us both. She explained to me that she wouldn't be coming. She told me flat out how bad it hurt her. She is understanding and supportive but she doesn't have to tolerate this. I wholeheartedly agreed. She gave me the ultimatum that I'm sure many have shared... either you choose addiction or you choose me. I am very very glad that she has the strength to confront me like that and express how she feels.
I have been battling the absolute best that I can since then. It's a miracle she still wants to duke this out with me. It's beyond me. We've decided to keep dating since we just plain like each other. In fact, we love each other. But at the same time, we are not going to get engaged or move in the marriage direction until we are absolutely sure.
Come to find out, she is finding that she has plenty of personal issues to work on. Fortunately her issues wont keep her out of the temple or destroy a family. When she gets real stressed, she becomes real unpleasant to be around. I'm not being mean saying that and she might agree. Last week for example, I had a day where i ran into considerable temptations and had to pray and plead with God and make some calls. I barely survived the day. I was feeling great that evening when I say her. She was in this stressed, not-very-conversational mood. She didn't seem stoked to see me. I went home all upset and bummed. I have real issues with self-pity as i am seeing. but she called and apologized and we felt better. I went to the temple Friday and felt better feelings for her. We ended up having a great weekend.
Funny how having the spirit, not being selfish, and living in recovery increases my ability to have love and improves life all round. Any of our weaknesses can be thorns in our sides/relationships.
But everything comes down to the day. To the moment. All the knowledge in the universe is good, but if we react poorly in the moment....doesn't seem to matter. I still have to plead with God in every tought spot. Make a call. Reach out. Lust thrives in negative emotion and secrecy.
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