SA retreat and thoughts

This past weekend I attended an SA retreat. SA stands for sexaholics. Yep, I go to the meetings.  SA is solid. It is honest.  It is rigorous.  It works when I work it.  We had a recovery 'guru' named Harvey come in.  i say "guru" because he knows recovery but he wouldn't claim for a second that he is cured and that he has all the answers.  The guy has done the worst of the worst.  But after 28 years of sobriety and traveling the world with his wife, I would say that he is doing pretty dang good.

The theme was "positive sobriety".  Harvey makes the case that we can't simply fight this battle out of fear.  Fear of losing the job.  Fear of losing the wife and kids.  Fear certainly helps but is the the cure.  (Sometimes we get a secret thrill from the fear....cutting corners/getting away with risky act outs)

He quotes the white book, "taking the actions of love; giving back; making the real connection."


I will wholeheartedly support that.  I stay sober when I CONNECT with the real world and with real people and my real pains/defects.  1 - I connect by building a relationship with my God.  I pray to him often and let him know my struggles.  I surrender my lust to him.  2 - I connect with my SA support group (great group of guys!!).  I make calls when things get rough.  I have to connect. Or i die.  it's that simple.  And we have to be honest and sometimes explicit to be real.  (Maybe not with non-addicts...but especially with our sponsors or support group. )  I connect with other human beings...in non-sexual ways!!   3 - I connect with myself and who I really am and with what i truly love in life.

I feel alot of love and the spirit when I share positive moments with my girlfriend.  When I let go of fears and stupid lust, I feel closer to her.  I will be in recovery today, bc the feelings I get from being with her totally trump the addiction.  The addiction is certainly pleasureable. It is.  I wouldn't do it if it wasn't.  But it's so fake.  I can talk to my girlfriend, connect with her, hold her in my arms, and lovingly kiss her....AND IT ALL FEELS GREAT....with no guilt attached!!


Harvey also points out that we have a DISEASE. like cancer. Like a heroin addiction.  People we need to grasp this.  And NOT be hopeless about it.  Cancer patients have two choices: choose to get treatment and fight to live, or do nothing and slowly die.  I may never be cured of an allergy to lust.  I may never get to watch PG-13 movies with those "scenes" anymore.  I may not be able to watch ordinary TV like most people.  I am not in a position to get a smart phone.  I'm too allergic.  You think people allergic to peanuts like it?? At first no...but they get used to it.   What about you gluten-free people?  I had a roommate in college who was lactose intolerant.  Yeah, sometimes he ate ice cream or drank milk....BUT IT MADE HIM SICK! (and gave him terrible gas...:(

Harvey also is very grateful.  He writes a grateful list to God every morning.  He strives to give back.  He strives to experience emotions. 

Sometimes we addicts can't rely on our brains.  OUR BRAINS GOT US IN THIS MESS. Sometimes we have to do things we don't "think" we should do.


Recovery is a day at a time program.  For me, it is one moment at a time.  My brain is constantly being triggered and constantly wants to resort to the drug.  I've done it the past 13 years.  I am retraining how I do everything and how I think.  I give up my desire my the lust and the fix and the fantasy.  i'm so powerless against all of it.  But I can survive and even heal with God. 

Today is day 33.  ODAAT.  This is all slow going, but I want to keep going.  I want to win every day the rest of the year.  but even with the loftiest goals....I can only win now.  I can only surrender negative emotions and carnal desires TODAY.