Update

I felt a need to check and write some thoughts.  A lot has happened in the past month.  Life goes on.  I officially hit my half-year anniversary (6 months if you should know) with my relationship. What a roller coaster. We have worked through some very hard things.

Three weeks ago we had a rough week.  I was getting bombarded with temptations and lust. The relationship is a source of stress for me, along with training for races that I do.  I can be so selfish in what I want to do in life.  The relationship seems to "get in my way."  I didn't fight much that week.  I went the whole week getting beat every day. Even after one night where we had a serious chat. She was planning on going with me up to a race i was doing that required spending the night.  The conversation we had that Friday I will never forget. (I now understand what some of you have been through).

I had a terrible act out the night before.  No MB but plenty of viewing. Nothing extreme but enough to destroy my senses and soul.  I was devastated and disgusted with myself.  I knew of our trip, but I had to tell her.  I am rubbish at holding things in. She comes over. Very bothered. It hurt. It hurt us both.  She explained to me that she wouldn't be coming. She told me flat out how bad it hurt her. She is understanding and supportive but she doesn't have to tolerate this.  I wholeheartedly agreed.  She gave me the ultimatum that I'm sure many have shared... either you choose addiction or you choose me.  I am very very glad that she has the strength to confront me like that and express how she feels.

I have been battling the absolute best that I can since then.  It's a miracle she still wants to duke this out with me.  It's beyond me.  We've decided to keep dating since we just plain like each other.  In fact, we love each other. But at the same time, we are not going to get engaged or move in the marriage direction until we are absolutely sure. 

Come to find out, she is finding that she has plenty of personal issues to work on. Fortunately her issues wont keep her out of the temple or destroy a family.  When she gets real stressed, she becomes real unpleasant to be around. I'm not being mean saying that and she might agree.  Last week for example, I had a day where i ran into considerable temptations and had to pray and plead with God and make some calls.  I barely survived the day.  I was feeling great that evening when I say her.  She was in this stressed, not-very-conversational mood.  She didn't seem stoked to see me.  I went home all upset and bummed. I have real issues with self-pity as i am seeing.  but she called and apologized and we felt better. I went to the temple Friday and felt better feelings for her. We ended up having a great weekend.

Funny how having the spirit, not being selfish, and living in recovery increases my ability to have love and improves life all round.  Any of our weaknesses can be thorns in our sides/relationships.


But everything comes down to the day. To the moment.  All the knowledge in the universe is good, but if we react poorly in the moment....doesn't seem to matter.  I still have to plead with God in every tought spot. Make a call. Reach out. Lust thrives in negative emotion and secrecy.