I'm feeling a little emotional right now. I think these blogs don't always depict our real story. Jane wrote me a comment that said that. We kinda put our worse in these blogs at times.
I am just kinda down. My mom has been wanting to get to together and always wants to know how i'm doing. I've been really struggling the past month. Conversations with her about 'everything' have not turned out well. At all. I don't discuss this addiction. Ever. I don't even discuss successes or recovery.
well, I wrote her an email and laid out the honest truth.
She wrote me back and thankfully wasn't angry with me. She is certainly mad at this addiction. She hates it. It nearly ruined her marriage. It causes so much pain. I get overwhelmed thinking about all the pain this has cause. I called a friend from my SA group and he expressed how fed up he it with this. And losing. over and over. He is sick of religion and God....all of that seems to fail us. over and over.
I am tired of being alone. I am tired of not being able to feel like I am worth a damn to get married. I have alot to offer! I'm not trying to brag or boast. I am a solid guy. I believe deeply in God and in the church. I work hard in life. I don't believe in freebies (except maybe food or cookies) I can go on dates easy. I can get girls to like me. BUT I CAN'T CURE MYSELF OF THIS ADDICTION! It is so rooted in me. It is frustrating. Recovery is frustrating. And so slow.
I am not going to give up. I can't. If i give up....I'll end up with prostitutes or something. I'll probably wind up committing suicide or getting knived in a parking lot. Ok, that might be dramatic, but this addiction is a progressive disease. If left alone....It only gets worse. One line crossed after another.
I desire sobriety today. I can do today. I can feel these emotions. I can express them and let them go. It's hard to plan out the whole future but I can stay sober today. I can keep trying to "clear away the wreckage" of my past. It's going to take time. I don't really know what the end goal it. Recovery??? Perfection?? I don't know how good I have to be.
I recently started chatting with a new girl that I really like. We've been out once and we chat for hours on the phone. I'm already uneasy about how I am going to bring up the addiction. Nate Q suggests do it before things get serious. I've heard that from my old therapist Maurice as well. I choose not to worry about it right now, but the thought always lingers. I used to sabotage every relationship i ever had to avoid the chat. Well, I've done it with two relationships and both times the girls wanted to keep dating. Go figure.
Day 17 today. ODAAT!
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Mini Rock Bottom
I feel really good today. I don't say, "I've got this...I'm cured!!" heck no.
I hit a mini rock bottom this past weekend. So I attended my usual group meeting on Thursday. The topic was step 3. It is all about making the decision to give our wills over to the care of God. I have been full of self-will lately. I've been hurting emotionally (which i hate), so i harden my heart, say"screw it", and try to run my own life. I resist! I don't want someone else to run my life. I WANT TO RUN IT!! I'M IN CHARGE! ME MEMEMEME.
Well, the spirit of the meeting really hit me....the reading especially. It clearly pointed out that if you can't turn your will over, then you haven't done steps 1 and 2 properly. What?? I did those steps!! I checked the boxes off.
Step 1; admit you are an addict.
After the meeting, my sponsor says, "Hey, do you think you belong here? I think you're still on the fence. I think you don't really feel like you are admitted."
Ouch.
I spent some time alone the next day and really pondered that. I also had to cancel the dates that i had planned that weekend. I'm out of control. My life is unmanageable. I concluded to pull the reigns on dating for the time being. I'll go out here and there but the 3 dates a weekend has to stop. I'm addicted to the obsession of chasing girls and having them like me. It's like some challenge or something. I love a good challenge (except for addiction....it's a challenge i can't win on my own merits)
Folks, I need the recovery program. I need to admit daily that i cannot use MY thinking to get out of this mess. My thinking got me IN this mess. I surrender. I give up. I went through withdrawals Friday night and also Saturday. I felt like a heroine addict in rehab.
So, I set up a "daily renewal" phone call system. Every morning I call another guy at 7 am and also at 9 am; we admit we are powerless, state that we desire sobriety and that we will do whatever necessary to protect that desire, and give our wills to God......FOR THE NEXT 24 HOURS!!
I can only worry about today. Not tomorrow. I just have to live the steps of recovery (aka the gospel of Jesus Christ for dummies) for the next 24 hours. Tomorrow I will surrender again.
And....I am sober today. I was sober yesterday. I'm not done....never done. And you know what....that's okay!! ahhhh,.....
I hit a mini rock bottom this past weekend. So I attended my usual group meeting on Thursday. The topic was step 3. It is all about making the decision to give our wills over to the care of God. I have been full of self-will lately. I've been hurting emotionally (which i hate), so i harden my heart, say"screw it", and try to run my own life. I resist! I don't want someone else to run my life. I WANT TO RUN IT!! I'M IN CHARGE! ME MEMEMEME.
Well, the spirit of the meeting really hit me....the reading especially. It clearly pointed out that if you can't turn your will over, then you haven't done steps 1 and 2 properly. What?? I did those steps!! I checked the boxes off.
Step 1; admit you are an addict.
After the meeting, my sponsor says, "Hey, do you think you belong here? I think you're still on the fence. I think you don't really feel like you are admitted."
Ouch.
I spent some time alone the next day and really pondered that. I also had to cancel the dates that i had planned that weekend. I'm out of control. My life is unmanageable. I concluded to pull the reigns on dating for the time being. I'll go out here and there but the 3 dates a weekend has to stop. I'm addicted to the obsession of chasing girls and having them like me. It's like some challenge or something. I love a good challenge (except for addiction....it's a challenge i can't win on my own merits)
Folks, I need the recovery program. I need to admit daily that i cannot use MY thinking to get out of this mess. My thinking got me IN this mess. I surrender. I give up. I went through withdrawals Friday night and also Saturday. I felt like a heroine addict in rehab.
So, I set up a "daily renewal" phone call system. Every morning I call another guy at 7 am and also at 9 am; we admit we are powerless, state that we desire sobriety and that we will do whatever necessary to protect that desire, and give our wills to God......FOR THE NEXT 24 HOURS!!
I can only worry about today. Not tomorrow. I just have to live the steps of recovery (aka the gospel of Jesus Christ for dummies) for the next 24 hours. Tomorrow I will surrender again.
And....I am sober today. I was sober yesterday. I'm not done....never done. And you know what....that's okay!! ahhhh,.....
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
What is the big deal with honesty??
So i read Andrew's latest post on AddictSpeak. And I hear so much about lying and minimizing and half truths. Why do we do this?? And why does everyone want so much honesty??
Just a start...I very, very much agree that honesty is MANDATORY for recovery. I am not saying otherwise. When I connect with other addicts in recovery and stay out of isolation, attend meetings, share openly and exactly what I am dealing with....somehow i win. Somehow I don't look at garbage and MB.
But sometimes we lose. Sometimes we get a bit lax in doing dailies. What then?? It is very obvious to me that porn addiction is extremely damaging to women. Even more so to someone that is closely connected to me. I'm not married, but in my last relationship i very much felt the pain of what a relapse means. i've also been reading these blogs over the past couple of years. I need to remind myself often why this is so wrong and so bad.....or we do what Andrew mentions "our little problem."
With that said, WE HATE CAUSING MORE PAIN. That is the bottom line. We hate bringing this topic up. I can't even bring it up with my mom anymore. It isn't even worth it. I'm so glad i'm not married to her. She loses it every time. And it is VERY true that we minimize things. I do. I do it all the time. I hate that i am addicted. I hate being defeated at something. It doesn't sit right with a man who wants to do everything right (not just me).
Also, sometimes we feel we can't win. That is tough for us to admit. Last thursday at my SA meeting, a man shared his first step inventory. His rock bottom was when he told his wife that he can't win anymore. I felt completely hopeless and that he was living to die. We get in these positions!! But SOMEHOW his wife benefited.
Now to the other question: Why does honesty mean so much to the women??
I actually can't quite answer this.
I will say from experience that somehow it makes it better. Somehow, no recovery or healing or trust can resume until you get it all out. AND...report every relapse. I made sure I did it every time. You know what...it did hurt her every time. It did. It sucks. This addiction HURTS people. But she really appreciated it. A therapist once told me, "The woman doesn't want to be the coach, she just wants to be in the huddle."
I believe it.
Also, I don't feel it necessary (others may disagree) that you don't need to give graphic details but just enough to be fully honest. That's what my support group of recovering addicts is for. i be detailed and fully honest with them. I don't need to simply dump on a girl. Accountability not mere confessions.
Anyway, just some thoughts. I'm trying to figure all this out myself. I dread having to relay this to the next girl I date. it's such a thorn in my side. I hope and pray often that I can continue to recover and also that the right girl will be willing to stay with me. What more can I do?
Just a start...I very, very much agree that honesty is MANDATORY for recovery. I am not saying otherwise. When I connect with other addicts in recovery and stay out of isolation, attend meetings, share openly and exactly what I am dealing with....somehow i win. Somehow I don't look at garbage and MB.
But sometimes we lose. Sometimes we get a bit lax in doing dailies. What then?? It is very obvious to me that porn addiction is extremely damaging to women. Even more so to someone that is closely connected to me. I'm not married, but in my last relationship i very much felt the pain of what a relapse means. i've also been reading these blogs over the past couple of years. I need to remind myself often why this is so wrong and so bad.....or we do what Andrew mentions "our little problem."
With that said, WE HATE CAUSING MORE PAIN. That is the bottom line. We hate bringing this topic up. I can't even bring it up with my mom anymore. It isn't even worth it. I'm so glad i'm not married to her. She loses it every time. And it is VERY true that we minimize things. I do. I do it all the time. I hate that i am addicted. I hate being defeated at something. It doesn't sit right with a man who wants to do everything right (not just me).
Also, sometimes we feel we can't win. That is tough for us to admit. Last thursday at my SA meeting, a man shared his first step inventory. His rock bottom was when he told his wife that he can't win anymore. I felt completely hopeless and that he was living to die. We get in these positions!! But SOMEHOW his wife benefited.
Now to the other question: Why does honesty mean so much to the women??
I actually can't quite answer this.
I will say from experience that somehow it makes it better. Somehow, no recovery or healing or trust can resume until you get it all out. AND...report every relapse. I made sure I did it every time. You know what...it did hurt her every time. It did. It sucks. This addiction HURTS people. But she really appreciated it. A therapist once told me, "The woman doesn't want to be the coach, she just wants to be in the huddle."
I believe it.
Also, I don't feel it necessary (others may disagree) that you don't need to give graphic details but just enough to be fully honest. That's what my support group of recovering addicts is for. i be detailed and fully honest with them. I don't need to simply dump on a girl. Accountability not mere confessions.
Anyway, just some thoughts. I'm trying to figure all this out myself. I dread having to relay this to the next girl I date. it's such a thorn in my side. I hope and pray often that I can continue to recover and also that the right girl will be willing to stay with me. What more can I do?
Monday, November 5, 2012
Starting all over
Ok, I really don't know if this blog is worth a dang or not. I keep a journal (3 in fact....one for general posts, one for my venting/triggers in the moment, and my step 4 inventory journal.) I don't really need this blog.
And to be honest, I feel kinda lame that it is on so many other people's blogs. At first, I liked having it there. I thought I was a real expert on recovery, that i was providing the "guy's view." But honestly, I can't offer any marital advice and my recovery strength is limited.
I'll be the first to admit that I am just as addicted as any other addict. I wholeheartedly confess that I am powerless against lust on my own.
I gave up last week. A week and a half ago, i broke up with my girfriend of almost 8 months. I felt okay about the decision. It was a great relationship. I have no regrets. I know it was what we both needed. I am not going to go into all the details but the bottom line was....I wasn't feeling marriage. I just wasn't. And that's okay...i felt peace about the decision. She took it hard but she understood. That's part of dating. (addiction or no addiction). And i was very careful not to make that decision based on my addiction. She knew all about it and still wanted to marry me. (an absolute miracle....)
Being addicted to lust, porn, MB (as i prefer to put it) does not define me. It is not who I am. I am way more than that. I really am a solid guy who cares deeply about others and the world. I am simply diseased.
After we broke up, I felt like my reason to fight (and I have to fight daily) was gone. I stayed very strong during our relationship bc I didn't want addiction to be apart of it. This entire past week, I got apathetic. I didn't care. I kinda felt like I could just "take a week off."
On Sunday, I felt the spirit distinctly. Somehow God still loves me immensly and can still forgive me as fast as I come to him with a broken heart (which i did). I met with the bishop too. He knows the whole story. He's sad about the relationship (he liked the girl) but wants me to keep fighting. He sees more hope in me than sometimes I do. It is tough.....to lose at something over and over and over again. It is downright freaking frustrating to be so immensly drawn to something so vile and so degrading. I know it's wrong. I know its disgusting. But yes, it is pleasurable. Man, it is pure selfishness. But Sunday....I thought long and hard about this spiral down i was going in and realized....IT IS NOT WHAT I WANT.
I read the women's blogs and I ache for them. I am so sorry about their husbands. It is just so sad. You women are so pure and many have saved that part of yourselves to fully express it for when you were first married. I want to still be able to offer that to a girl someday....whenever that is. It is this intangible goal at the moment, but I desperately want to be ready for her. I fully commit now to be honest and true and not manipulate and twist things and hurt her!!!! I don't want that at all!!! I'll die single before i even do that!!!
Day 2 today..... I'll take another 24 with God. :)
And to be honest, I feel kinda lame that it is on so many other people's blogs. At first, I liked having it there. I thought I was a real expert on recovery, that i was providing the "guy's view." But honestly, I can't offer any marital advice and my recovery strength is limited.
I'll be the first to admit that I am just as addicted as any other addict. I wholeheartedly confess that I am powerless against lust on my own.
I gave up last week. A week and a half ago, i broke up with my girfriend of almost 8 months. I felt okay about the decision. It was a great relationship. I have no regrets. I know it was what we both needed. I am not going to go into all the details but the bottom line was....I wasn't feeling marriage. I just wasn't. And that's okay...i felt peace about the decision. She took it hard but she understood. That's part of dating. (addiction or no addiction). And i was very careful not to make that decision based on my addiction. She knew all about it and still wanted to marry me. (an absolute miracle....)
Being addicted to lust, porn, MB (as i prefer to put it) does not define me. It is not who I am. I am way more than that. I really am a solid guy who cares deeply about others and the world. I am simply diseased.
After we broke up, I felt like my reason to fight (and I have to fight daily) was gone. I stayed very strong during our relationship bc I didn't want addiction to be apart of it. This entire past week, I got apathetic. I didn't care. I kinda felt like I could just "take a week off."
On Sunday, I felt the spirit distinctly. Somehow God still loves me immensly and can still forgive me as fast as I come to him with a broken heart (which i did). I met with the bishop too. He knows the whole story. He's sad about the relationship (he liked the girl) but wants me to keep fighting. He sees more hope in me than sometimes I do. It is tough.....to lose at something over and over and over again. It is downright freaking frustrating to be so immensly drawn to something so vile and so degrading. I know it's wrong. I know its disgusting. But yes, it is pleasurable. Man, it is pure selfishness. But Sunday....I thought long and hard about this spiral down i was going in and realized....IT IS NOT WHAT I WANT.
I read the women's blogs and I ache for them. I am so sorry about their husbands. It is just so sad. You women are so pure and many have saved that part of yourselves to fully express it for when you were first married. I want to still be able to offer that to a girl someday....whenever that is. It is this intangible goal at the moment, but I desperately want to be ready for her. I fully commit now to be honest and true and not manipulate and twist things and hurt her!!!! I don't want that at all!!! I'll die single before i even do that!!!
Day 2 today..... I'll take another 24 with God. :)
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