So i read Andrew's latest post on AddictSpeak. And I hear so much about lying and minimizing and half truths. Why do we do this?? And why does everyone want so much honesty??
Just a start...I very, very much agree that honesty is MANDATORY for recovery. I am not saying otherwise. When I connect with other addicts in recovery and stay out of isolation, attend meetings, share openly and exactly what I am dealing with....somehow i win. Somehow I don't look at garbage and MB.
But sometimes we lose. Sometimes we get a bit lax in doing dailies. What then?? It is very obvious to me that porn addiction is extremely damaging to women. Even more so to someone that is closely connected to me. I'm not married, but in my last relationship i very much felt the pain of what a relapse means. i've also been reading these blogs over the past couple of years. I need to remind myself often why this is so wrong and so bad.....or we do what Andrew mentions "our little problem."
With that said, WE HATE CAUSING MORE PAIN. That is the bottom line. We hate bringing this topic up. I can't even bring it up with my mom anymore. It isn't even worth it. I'm so glad i'm not married to her. She loses it every time. And it is VERY true that we minimize things. I do. I do it all the time. I hate that i am addicted. I hate being defeated at something. It doesn't sit right with a man who wants to do everything right (not just me).
Also, sometimes we feel we can't win. That is tough for us to admit. Last thursday at my SA meeting, a man shared his first step inventory. His rock bottom was when he told his wife that he can't win anymore. I felt completely hopeless and that he was living to die. We get in these positions!! But SOMEHOW his wife benefited.
Now to the other question: Why does honesty mean so much to the women??
I actually can't quite answer this.
I will say from experience that somehow it makes it better. Somehow, no recovery or healing or trust can resume until you get it all out. AND...report every relapse. I made sure I did it every time. You know what...it did hurt her every time. It did. It sucks. This addiction HURTS people. But she really appreciated it. A therapist once told me, "The woman doesn't want to be the coach, she just wants to be in the huddle."
I believe it.
Also, I don't feel it necessary (others may disagree) that you don't need to give graphic details but just enough to be fully honest. That's what my support group of recovering addicts is for. i be detailed and fully honest with them. I don't need to simply dump on a girl. Accountability not mere confessions.
Anyway, just some thoughts. I'm trying to figure all this out myself. I dread having to relay this to the next girl I date. it's such a thorn in my side. I hope and pray often that I can continue to recover and also that the right girl will be willing to stay with me. What more can I do?
You have some awesome thoughts!
ReplyDeleteI LOVED the quote about the woman not wanting to be the coach but to just be in the huddle. That is so perfect. In a healthy relationship that should be the case, but there are a select few women who want to be the total coach and then sometimes there are men who want the woman to be coach. Sometimes it's hard to break free from those roles.
I understand hating your addiction but I also know that once you get some recovery/sobriety under your belt there will come a time that you will find gratitude in it. I am grateful for my addiction because without it I would not know the Savior like I know him. I have a very personal testimony of His rescue because I have touched the darkness, been consumed by it, and now stand enveloped in light. My addiction also allows me to turn to my Savior each time I trigger. It's hard... but as long as i keep the habit up it is doable.
My last thought is you are right when we shouldn't tell our loved ones "everything." I think that can do way more damage than good. My husband and I were just talking about that actually and he didn't share is step 4 with me and i didn't share mine with him. It's just better that way.
Anyway - thanks for the thoughts!
Sidreis
thanks Sidreis,
ReplyDeletei agree that this addiction has taught me everything about the gospel. I still hate it. I do have moments where I feel completely whipped, but that is part of step 1, admitting that we are powerless over lust (not powerless over sexually acting out....but over the temptations, triggers, and the anti-reality lust..)
It's bloody hard...but one day at a time, I will continue through this.
Well said. Honesty is number one. My wife has told me a few times that she can work with me through hard times and through bad decisions, but if I am dishonest it will destroy our marriage. I've learned that honesty to one's self is most important, because if we lie to ourselves and believe it, then we will in turn lie to everyone around us, whether it be our friends, family, or God.
ReplyDeleteBefore, I would tell myself that things "didn't count" if it wasn't full-on pornography and would lie to myself (and believe it). This caused me to lie to my wife about a few things and we've had a really difficult time coming out of it. Anyway, keep up the honesty, and don't minimize or rationalize anything. Anything that we choose to do to gratify those feelings counts as acting out.
That was more a reminder for me than for you, but thanks :)
Here's a link to my blog that I just started if you want another one to follow. Let's all get through this together!
http://recovery-gdodaat.blogspot.com/
I agree with you guys. My wife told me the same thing, its been the hardest part of being the addict,all the lies when she thought things were fine. She told me that yes, me being an addict does hurt, but what was the most damaging was the lies. That is the struggle.
ReplyDeleteI find that if there is a situation in which I think, "Oh, should I tell my wife about this? Is this one of those things I should talk about?" Then it is.
My counselor told me about this one guy in his group sessions that said his wife talked to much and it made him not want to talk, someone else in the group said, "Why don't you reverse it and just talk and talk and talk at her until she tells you to shut up?"
He got excited and told them he would.
Next session they asked him about it and he got all embarrassed and said, "I went home and for a few days I told her EVERYTHING, and...well... I liked it!" it was one of the things that healed their marriage.
What my counselor asked me to do, was have a 24 hour confession every day. I am supposed to go home and tell my wife EVERYTHING. All the details, regardless of how small or insignificant they are.