Mini Rock Bottom

I feel really good today. I don't say, "I've got this...I'm cured!!"  heck no.

I hit a mini rock bottom this past weekend.  So I attended my usual group meeting on Thursday. The topic was step 3. It is all about making the decision to give our wills over to the care of God.  I have been full of self-will lately. I've been hurting emotionally (which i hate), so i harden my heart, say"screw it", and try to run my own life.  I resist! I don't want someone else to run my life. I WANT TO RUN IT!! I'M IN CHARGE! ME MEMEMEME.

Well, the spirit of the meeting really hit me....the reading especially.  It clearly pointed out that if you can't turn your will over, then you haven't done steps 1 and 2 properly.  What??  I did those steps!! I checked the boxes off.

Step 1; admit you are an addict.

After the meeting, my sponsor says, "Hey, do you think you belong here? I think you're still on the fence. I think you don't really feel like you are admitted."

Ouch.

I spent some time alone the next day and really pondered that.  I also had to cancel the dates that i had planned that weekend. I'm out of control.  My life is unmanageable. I concluded to pull the reigns on dating for the time being. I'll go out here and there but the 3 dates a weekend has to stop.  I'm addicted to the obsession of chasing girls and having them like me. It's like some challenge or something. I love a good challenge (except for addiction....it's a challenge i can't win on my own merits)

Folks, I need the recovery program.  I need to admit daily that i cannot use MY thinking to get out of this mess.  My thinking got me IN this mess.  I surrender. I give up. I went through withdrawals Friday night and also Saturday. I felt like a heroine addict in rehab.


So, I set up a "daily renewal" phone call system. Every morning I call another guy at 7 am and also at 9 am; we admit we are powerless, state that we desire sobriety and that we will do whatever necessary to protect that desire, and give our wills to God......FOR THE NEXT 24 HOURS!!

I can only worry about today. Not tomorrow.  I just have to live the steps of recovery (aka the gospel of Jesus Christ for dummies) for the next 24 hours.  Tomorrow I will surrender again.


And....I am sober today. I was sober yesterday.  I'm not done....never done.  And you know what....that's okay!! ahhhh,.....