Meetings Meetings Meetings

Good grief it seems there are so many blogs to keep up with.  I don't know if i will be able to today. 

So i have begun my 90 meetings in 90 days.  This is going to be tricky.  i don't know if I am going to quite get that many.  I think I will attempt to make recovery and working the program top priority for me.  This week was a challenging one.

I went to an Al-anon meeting tuesday night. Kinda random. It's the meeting for those persons affected by another's alcoholic problems. It was mostly women. I did feel kinda uncomfortable. but i must say that it was much more entertaining than any SA meeting i know! These women were cracking jokes left and right. There were a handful in there that looked like they were still really struggling, but what a great way to get healing. God intended it to be that way....as a group, as a quorum, as a ward....as a family.

Wednesday I tried hitting up a spanish AA meeting during my lunch break. I drove out to it but it was closed. blast. they need to change what the website says.

Thursday night is my usual SA meeting. I hate missing this one.  I know everyone there and there is a tight fellowship there. These are the guys i have been to war with. Some have not survived over the past year but we still keep an eye on each other. Well, I had to work late trying to finish somehting up.  i didn't finish until 650 (meeting is at 7).  i was drivng downtown and expecting to arrive maybe 15 minutes late when a friend calls.  He just missed trax to catch the train going home. So I offered to take him home. He lives near my parents so i stopped by. All my siblings had school and went to bed early. But I was up until 2 am chatting with mom. Mostly just listening to her.  It's tough getting the 'You need more faith to get married. You need to make it priority.  This doesn't have to do with your addiction does it??"  

You know....that doesn't help much. It depresses me. I keep boundaries with my mom. It really isn't productive to discuss my struggles or my recovery with her. Frankly, she doesn't think i need meetings or therapy..  Just faith and more willpower.  :(

But she did dump on me a bit about my dad's addiction and how horribly it crushed her. They are doing much better now. More of a real couple which i really like seeing.  That's why I understand the women's side of the story.  I grew up with it.  It was screaming and yelling and punching of walls all through junionr high and high school.  My mom asked for a divorce 4 times.  They lived apart for a few months.  they lived in separate bedrooms for a long time. That's just how it was.  It took my mom 10 YEARS to let it go.  And the steps that the women take....she had to do. And she didn't go to meetings or get help.  My dad did a bit. I still don't know how good his recovery even is.

She got to the point where she gave up. Where she gave it all to God. And she hated God for a long time, bc he was a man. just like my dad just like her dad who was emotinally abusive as well.  this is intense stuff. It certainly isn't easy. I still don't know if she is fully healed. She holds on to a lot of baggage still. It's tough letting that all go. It really is.

Well, on Friday I made it to an AA meeting during the day. Mixed group. Some of the guys looked homeless but they had some powerful things to say.  We talked about step 1.  I left feeling very empowered.
Friday evening i tried going to another group meeting.  I thought it was at 7 but alas it was at 6.  I arrived as the guys were all leaving.  Dang. At least I tried.  Saturday was my usual morning meeting.  It was really good. I got a few numbers of guys to call to be my sponsor.  There really aren't too many who listed next to their name that they are willing to do so.

But church was solid today.  i connected with people.  I survived some nasty attacks Saturday night.  It took everything in me to survive the night.  this addiction is exhausting but i am so glad that I did because  I felt the spirit strongly in all the meetings and also in sacrament, unlike last week. I wa salso  able to chat with some new guys and also a girl during the mingle..   I even got her number.  I don't think I can stop all socializing. I am a social guy when I want to be.  i like people.  I like going to meetings now.  I don't even care if i don't know anyone.  I like to connect with others and I really need it.  I had a good chat with the bishop today as well.  He is not pounding me into the ground.  he wants to help. He is a good bishop.  he actually wants to see me date more but I'm uneasy about getting more involved in that. Relationships are emotionally taxing for me.  I would rather it not be that way.  but for the time being I am not in the most stable of places.  I will be. All in good time.