this is a strange thing to say but it is true. Recovery is mortality for me. Working recovery is discovering everything about me and learning what I came to this earth to do. With making money, training for races, earning degrees, I learned things here are there, but recovery work has been the greatest challenge of my existence.
I survived this week. I've been like a boat on an ocean. I just look at my latest posts and they are ALL OVER THE PLACE. I understand life is tough....but this is a sign for me that I am not in recovery and not really working the steps or a program. The good thing about this week is that I am letting go. I'm giving up. (again). I went to a 12-step meeting Monday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday night, Thursday night, and Saturday morning. (I took Friday off to go skiing...it was my birthday!)
So i think my sponsor hunt may be over. YES!! i called an experienced member in SA (who has way too many sponsees) and asked him who would be good for a sponsor. i would love to work with this guy but he's booked. I gave him my small list and he figured I should call a couple. he suggest one. Well, I chatted for 40 minutes with one in particular who is real solid. he is blunt. He is honest. he works a program daily. He is consistent. He is serious about recovery. This is just what I want. i want to TRAIN!! And....this guy is single. Yep, not married. Now, this isn't critical but I don't meet very many single guys who are actually in recovery. We addicts are pretty thick-headed. Often it doesn't hit us until we lose everything.
Well....I DON'T WANT TO LOSE EVERYTHING!! Dang it. I don't think I have to either. God doesn't require that. He only requires our ALL!!
I am willing to do whatever this guy requires. He's even younger than me (by 1 year). But he has some solid recovery. He is also adament about getting sobriety before marriage. I needed some more validation about that. Jana and also iheartseattle have agreed. I still resent that. I still want to be wanted and lusted after and validated by every nice, cute LDS girl I come across. i admit that.
But this is going to be more journey, more battles, more up and downs. I still have to do dailies. I still need to blog. I still need to make calls during the day and surrender. All the time.
I had a tough moment Thurday. I wanted to act out during the day. The day was kinda boring (so i thought) I had like 3 simple work tasks to complete. Should take 30 minutes. But i wanted it to drag out all morning. My staff was taking me to lunch and then I'd coast through the day and then go home. And it was nice outside and i wanted to go on a bike ride or something. Mind wandering. Kinda bored. Hmmm?? What will eventually happen to a sexual addict??? Sure enough i got triggered!! surprise!! So i sent out my little text " hey, im being triggered. I surrender."
I get a bunch of responses. Yay! Validation!! People can feel sorry for me! And cheer for me! And I can keep going. However....one guy gave me a long response with some tough things to consider. Like what am I surrender? What is really triggering me? What is the root issue at play??
Blast!! I hate going through all that. Here was the reality: I was bored because I was putting off finsihing tasks. I was putting off finishing tasks becasue I wanted to avoid this other project i'm working on. I was avoiding that becasue I don't quite know how to accomplish it and I feel totally inadequate at work and feel that my boss is going to call me out on it and I feel incredible self-loathing and shame because I may not be able to do projecgts effectively.......
Ugg...
But I told the guy that. And about everything I was feeling. I made another call in the afternoon. I went to my meeting and re-shared all of that. I hate bringing it all up. But guess what? i didn't act out. It worked.
By some miracle, when I connect with others, bring darkness to light, and apply the steps/principles...I stay sober. One day at a time. "the program works when I work it."
No place for pride. No place for thinking we can own it. i can't own. I can't survive without eating and drinking. i can't survive without practicing recovery daily. That's all there is to it.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
User Dreams
I believe Sidreis wrote a bit on these. I've never known quite to make of them. The brain is messed up. A 'user dream' is when you dream of outrageous triggering things...sometimes they are downright erotic.
I wont go into details but I had such dreams Sunday and Monday nights. Both times I woke up remembering them vividly. Not cool.
On Monday night, I was with some girl. (no idea who she was....that's typically how they are for me) Things start getting out of hand. But i remember distinclty feeling how wrong it was. And thinking to myself "wait, i'm not married....I don't even know this girl....this is wrong" And nothing we were doing was bringing me any peace or joy. I pushed her away and she got mad and left the room. I woke up shortly after.
I immediately got on my knees. I poured out my guts to God. I actually thanked him for giving me that special revelation....that all this lust garbage is so shallow. I want none of it!! I want REAL intimacy some day...maybe I don't really know what it is, but what I felt in that dream was NOT it. I really, really hope that I never use a wife for my lust and for my fix. That just seems so wrong to me. True, I've done and looked at my share of garbage....but I currently see it as more punishment to self. I know it'll all be different when I am in a committed relationship or married. Addiction is not a victimless sin.
I realize too how much the whole idea of marital intimacy kinda worries. A lot. I know I need to not worry about this or stress. But the truth is...I don't know how I am going to react with the whole ordeal. It is going to require some long, careful discussions for sure. Dang, I'm so glad that I have time now to get on stable ground.
I also realize that I live so much on the extremes of things. I'm aware of how easily i'm triggered and aroused, by anything and everything. I can sometimes go about my day paranoid about everything. (kinda like a germaphobe....on my extreme I'm a 'lustaphobe') And it leads me to be completely shut off with affection. Seriously, I'm super uneasy about getting too affection with ANYONE. I didn't kiss a girl until I was 22. My next kiss....last year. My first kiss was about 5 seconds long and it was without any emotional connection. Personally, i thought it was a waste.
And I feel a huge sense of guilt being 'excited' about marital intimacy. I feel only an addict-thinking me would desire that. What a terrible reason to get married!! That's what I tell myself. Blast, I have such distorted views on it all. It's going to require a lot of learning on my part. I just don't want to be one of those guys that hounds his wife for it or only does nice things in order to 'get some.' It just seems so dang selfish. and abusive.
I have this immense anxiety to NOT hurt people...especially girls. I just do not want to cause any trouble. Ever. But I guess that may not be quite possible. I'm trying to figure out how to let that go.
I have so many fears and anxieties I guess about relationships and even more so with marriage. I can't think of anything more intense. Last year, with my previous girl, we would have "de-intensification" chats. She would get annoyed by how much I would say "intense" anything marriage was brought up.
Anyway, I'm rambling. But I need to relax. These blog posts only seem to reflect the crazy side of me. I could spend hours writing about much more interesting things. I actually have alot of hobbies and passions. Maybe I'll write about that one of things days. And say nothing of addiction or fears or recovery. Imagine that.
I wont go into details but I had such dreams Sunday and Monday nights. Both times I woke up remembering them vividly. Not cool.
On Monday night, I was with some girl. (no idea who she was....that's typically how they are for me) Things start getting out of hand. But i remember distinclty feeling how wrong it was. And thinking to myself "wait, i'm not married....I don't even know this girl....this is wrong" And nothing we were doing was bringing me any peace or joy. I pushed her away and she got mad and left the room. I woke up shortly after.
I immediately got on my knees. I poured out my guts to God. I actually thanked him for giving me that special revelation....that all this lust garbage is so shallow. I want none of it!! I want REAL intimacy some day...maybe I don't really know what it is, but what I felt in that dream was NOT it. I really, really hope that I never use a wife for my lust and for my fix. That just seems so wrong to me. True, I've done and looked at my share of garbage....but I currently see it as more punishment to self. I know it'll all be different when I am in a committed relationship or married. Addiction is not a victimless sin.
I realize too how much the whole idea of marital intimacy kinda worries. A lot. I know I need to not worry about this or stress. But the truth is...I don't know how I am going to react with the whole ordeal. It is going to require some long, careful discussions for sure. Dang, I'm so glad that I have time now to get on stable ground.
I also realize that I live so much on the extremes of things. I'm aware of how easily i'm triggered and aroused, by anything and everything. I can sometimes go about my day paranoid about everything. (kinda like a germaphobe....on my extreme I'm a 'lustaphobe') And it leads me to be completely shut off with affection. Seriously, I'm super uneasy about getting too affection with ANYONE. I didn't kiss a girl until I was 22. My next kiss....last year. My first kiss was about 5 seconds long and it was without any emotional connection. Personally, i thought it was a waste.
And I feel a huge sense of guilt being 'excited' about marital intimacy. I feel only an addict-thinking me would desire that. What a terrible reason to get married!! That's what I tell myself. Blast, I have such distorted views on it all. It's going to require a lot of learning on my part. I just don't want to be one of those guys that hounds his wife for it or only does nice things in order to 'get some.' It just seems so dang selfish. and abusive.
I have this immense anxiety to NOT hurt people...especially girls. I just do not want to cause any trouble. Ever. But I guess that may not be quite possible. I'm trying to figure out how to let that go.
I have so many fears and anxieties I guess about relationships and even more so with marriage. I can't think of anything more intense. Last year, with my previous girl, we would have "de-intensification" chats. She would get annoyed by how much I would say "intense" anything marriage was brought up.
Anyway, I'm rambling. But I need to relax. These blog posts only seem to reflect the crazy side of me. I could spend hours writing about much more interesting things. I actually have alot of hobbies and passions. Maybe I'll write about that one of things days. And say nothing of addiction or fears or recovery. Imagine that.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Good things to come
So I watched a beautiful little 4 minute clip that MM sent me.
This really touched me. I'll be honest, i get posts and links from friends on facebook or in emails all the time to really sweet, spiritual songs or videos....and i rarely watch them. I guess I sometimes resent all that 'sweet, spiritual' Deseret Book style stuffs. But also, those things really affect me every time. I've always been rather sensitive to the spirit. And I have no problem crying to things that are sentimental.
The video is about a man and his little family traveling to some other state. They have a long way to go and they find themselves on some remote desert road. And of course, their car breaks down. (why is it always on some abandoned road??) Well, the papa walks the 3 miles into the local town. He finds this kind old soul (probably similiar to Alicia's grandpa as she describes so well). The old guy manages to find them something to get the car rolling enough to drive into town. The mechanic gives it his diagnosis and apparently the car will survive.
The car breaks down a SECOND time in about the same spot and the humbled father has to trek back into town. So embarassing right? (Reminds me of the time during senior prom that I rolled into the back of my date's uncle's car right after I dropped her off from the day activitiy. I had to go back to the house and knock on the door in front of all her cousins/uncles that I was stuck behind his car. On a steep hill, and I had an old beater manual transmission car)
The same routine. This time the old man tells him straight up, "You know, you'll probably make it to your destination, and probably your family too....but not in this car."
That was the first lesson for me. We have to upgrade our cars every now and then. The mechanic will always be available. He'll always jump out and fix it. Christ, the mechanic, always does. He just does. I don't need to explain any more than that.
The second lesson was from Jeffrey R Holland, I'll quote him here:
"Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead.” Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come."
There you have it!! Don't quit. Keep walking. If the car you have keeps breaking down. Fix it. And take the time to get a new car. Good things WILL come. It is a science as far as I am concerned. It is a law irrevocably decreed in heaven. I will cling to that hope that I will receive all the blessings and good things God has promised if I don't quit and keep walking.
I was going to post some thoughts on perfection too. It was our lesson during priesthood. President Snow had some real nuggets. But since i didn't pack my manual to work...I don't remember all the details. The commandment remains....to be perfect. And you know what, we can. Maybe not here and now, but we can. We are meant to become such. Pres. Snow says that even though we wont in this life, we still 'strive with all determination." We can still become perfect in some things. We can still become perfect in desires, intregity, determination, and willingness.
I believe that. It is a fundamental change of heart and attitude that we are after. THAT IS THE GOAL. The behavior will take care of itself when our hearts and attitudes have changed.
This really touched me. I'll be honest, i get posts and links from friends on facebook or in emails all the time to really sweet, spiritual songs or videos....and i rarely watch them. I guess I sometimes resent all that 'sweet, spiritual' Deseret Book style stuffs. But also, those things really affect me every time. I've always been rather sensitive to the spirit. And I have no problem crying to things that are sentimental.
The video is about a man and his little family traveling to some other state. They have a long way to go and they find themselves on some remote desert road. And of course, their car breaks down. (why is it always on some abandoned road??) Well, the papa walks the 3 miles into the local town. He finds this kind old soul (probably similiar to Alicia's grandpa as she describes so well). The old guy manages to find them something to get the car rolling enough to drive into town. The mechanic gives it his diagnosis and apparently the car will survive.
The car breaks down a SECOND time in about the same spot and the humbled father has to trek back into town. So embarassing right? (Reminds me of the time during senior prom that I rolled into the back of my date's uncle's car right after I dropped her off from the day activitiy. I had to go back to the house and knock on the door in front of all her cousins/uncles that I was stuck behind his car. On a steep hill, and I had an old beater manual transmission car)
The same routine. This time the old man tells him straight up, "You know, you'll probably make it to your destination, and probably your family too....but not in this car."
That was the first lesson for me. We have to upgrade our cars every now and then. The mechanic will always be available. He'll always jump out and fix it. Christ, the mechanic, always does. He just does. I don't need to explain any more than that.
The second lesson was from Jeffrey R Holland, I'll quote him here:
"Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead.” Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come."
There you have it!! Don't quit. Keep walking. If the car you have keeps breaking down. Fix it. And take the time to get a new car. Good things WILL come. It is a science as far as I am concerned. It is a law irrevocably decreed in heaven. I will cling to that hope that I will receive all the blessings and good things God has promised if I don't quit and keep walking.
I was going to post some thoughts on perfection too. It was our lesson during priesthood. President Snow had some real nuggets. But since i didn't pack my manual to work...I don't remember all the details. The commandment remains....to be perfect. And you know what, we can. Maybe not here and now, but we can. We are meant to become such. Pres. Snow says that even though we wont in this life, we still 'strive with all determination." We can still become perfect in some things. We can still become perfect in desires, intregity, determination, and willingness.
I believe that. It is a fundamental change of heart and attitude that we are after. THAT IS THE GOAL. The behavior will take care of itself when our hearts and attitudes have changed.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Angry again...
That happens to be the title of a Megadeth song. And it is how I feel right now...
So I survived the second half of this week. some things have really been working hard on me. I just got back from a positive SA meeting and I get online to get email and facebook posts and see who commented on my latests posts. You know...seeking validation. I get posts from my aunt, and my uncle, and 2 from my mom. All asking..."So where are the girls in your photos??" "Hey you aren't married yet??....no time for personal grooming and idle chit chat." "Working out is good but getting married is better."
I'm pissed. Yes, I am straight up annoyed. thanks everyone in my life for reminding me that I am single. Thanks. I didn't notice. Normally i just take the beating. I'm used to it now. I have like 45 cousins and like 12 aunts and uncles. they all know me. They know 'what a great guy i am.' I should TOTALLY be married by now.
Thursday night i had a super emotional and depressing night. I went to a meeting. The topic was step 9 making amends. I went into the meeting feeling rather positive. I felt lame that I didn't have much sobriety to share. And my old sponsor was there....i always feel like he's going to be like "So uh, no sobriety huh? Gotta work the program." Well, a few guys shared about confessing to their wives and making amends with other people. One guy in particular shared how he had to bring up some extra intense stuff just recently. He was completely shocked his wife didn't leave him. He wholeheartedly confessed that he was convinced things were over. I don't know about everyone else but this is BLOODY INTENSE to me. I almost started crying driving home. i was thinking about maybe calling this nice, cute girl up this weekend...but left thinking that i didn't have any business doing so.
I called like 6 different guys and no one picked up. I ended up doing the ONE thing in life that seems to make me feel better....workout. I am addicted to working out. Fine, I said it. I went to the pool and swam 2,000 yards. I like to punish my body and push my limits. I did a 3 and a half hour cardio workout yesterday. It involved running 6 miles and biking 50 miles. Seriously, I can go all day. And i loved it. I don't listen to music. I don't have a heart rate monitor. It is a form of meditation for me.
Ok so last night. I went and hung out with some friends. I was feeling pretty good. I was going to text this girl that I've been mentioning. i get a distinct impression not to. I get home and begged God to let me just take her out once. Still I get a no. I'm not making this up. Taking a break is still the will of God. I feel it. I agree with it. In spite of all the cheap jabs and pressure from everyone else, I CAN GOING TO DO THINGS RIGHT! I am NOT going to bring this damn addiction into a relationship. I WILL NOT!! This is NOT the job of some girlfriend to fix.
Ok, we can all say "no one's perfect..." Well, you know what?? I am a PERFECT tithe payer. I NEVER miss. I have NEVER drank a drop of alcohol nor coffee nor smoked. I am PERFECT in that. Can I be perfect in some areas??? I also get tired of the statement, "It's okay to make mistakes" Ok, please tell me, which sins are okay?? When is looking at a hot lingerie model and masturbating to it a good thing????
This is not some little bad habit for me. I think the wives married to sex addicts can attest. Sure, they all have to go through their hell and life is all better for them and yes the steps have brought them closer to God. I believe that. I really do. But is all the pain from sexual addiction so necessary?? It might be for me...I'm learning the whole gospel and the atonement and repentance through this recovery process.
And guess what...I'm going to go to the gym and do another workout. Becuase I am still upset. I am going to call some people too because if i don't surrender all my negative emotions then I WILL let the lust feed off it and I will be back where I started.
well, here's my honest thoughts. I like to think i'm a chill person but right now...maybe not so much. i don't want to act out today. I don't WANT TO AT ALL!! But I at least know that I can feel my emotions, get them out, and connect with other addict guys...bc i lose if i don't.
So I survived the second half of this week. some things have really been working hard on me. I just got back from a positive SA meeting and I get online to get email and facebook posts and see who commented on my latests posts. You know...seeking validation. I get posts from my aunt, and my uncle, and 2 from my mom. All asking..."So where are the girls in your photos??" "Hey you aren't married yet??....no time for personal grooming and idle chit chat." "Working out is good but getting married is better."
I'm pissed. Yes, I am straight up annoyed. thanks everyone in my life for reminding me that I am single. Thanks. I didn't notice. Normally i just take the beating. I'm used to it now. I have like 45 cousins and like 12 aunts and uncles. they all know me. They know 'what a great guy i am.' I should TOTALLY be married by now.
Thursday night i had a super emotional and depressing night. I went to a meeting. The topic was step 9 making amends. I went into the meeting feeling rather positive. I felt lame that I didn't have much sobriety to share. And my old sponsor was there....i always feel like he's going to be like "So uh, no sobriety huh? Gotta work the program." Well, a few guys shared about confessing to their wives and making amends with other people. One guy in particular shared how he had to bring up some extra intense stuff just recently. He was completely shocked his wife didn't leave him. He wholeheartedly confessed that he was convinced things were over. I don't know about everyone else but this is BLOODY INTENSE to me. I almost started crying driving home. i was thinking about maybe calling this nice, cute girl up this weekend...but left thinking that i didn't have any business doing so.
I called like 6 different guys and no one picked up. I ended up doing the ONE thing in life that seems to make me feel better....workout. I am addicted to working out. Fine, I said it. I went to the pool and swam 2,000 yards. I like to punish my body and push my limits. I did a 3 and a half hour cardio workout yesterday. It involved running 6 miles and biking 50 miles. Seriously, I can go all day. And i loved it. I don't listen to music. I don't have a heart rate monitor. It is a form of meditation for me.
Ok so last night. I went and hung out with some friends. I was feeling pretty good. I was going to text this girl that I've been mentioning. i get a distinct impression not to. I get home and begged God to let me just take her out once. Still I get a no. I'm not making this up. Taking a break is still the will of God. I feel it. I agree with it. In spite of all the cheap jabs and pressure from everyone else, I CAN GOING TO DO THINGS RIGHT! I am NOT going to bring this damn addiction into a relationship. I WILL NOT!! This is NOT the job of some girlfriend to fix.
Ok, we can all say "no one's perfect..." Well, you know what?? I am a PERFECT tithe payer. I NEVER miss. I have NEVER drank a drop of alcohol nor coffee nor smoked. I am PERFECT in that. Can I be perfect in some areas??? I also get tired of the statement, "It's okay to make mistakes" Ok, please tell me, which sins are okay?? When is looking at a hot lingerie model and masturbating to it a good thing????
This is not some little bad habit for me. I think the wives married to sex addicts can attest. Sure, they all have to go through their hell and life is all better for them and yes the steps have brought them closer to God. I believe that. I really do. But is all the pain from sexual addiction so necessary?? It might be for me...I'm learning the whole gospel and the atonement and repentance through this recovery process.
And guess what...I'm going to go to the gym and do another workout. Becuase I am still upset. I am going to call some people too because if i don't surrender all my negative emotions then I WILL let the lust feed off it and I will be back where I started.
well, here's my honest thoughts. I like to think i'm a chill person but right now...maybe not so much. i don't want to act out today. I don't WANT TO AT ALL!! But I at least know that I can feel my emotions, get them out, and connect with other addict guys...bc i lose if i don't.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Be good to yourself
Today I want to be good to myself. No this isn’t going to be a brag session. But I think as addicts we need to take the time to appreciate ourselves and also all the blessings we do have. As I can clearly see in my own posts I often times feel like addiction is my whole life (and maybe it is). That I’m constantly stressing over it and worrying about it. And worrying about the future and I feel so incapable of living a normal life. If I simply look at the patterns of my behaviors, that may well be what I am going to see….nothing but a repeat of failures.
I received a killer quote from a wise man. (He’s a recovered addict with so much wisdom that I chat with here and there )
“We think of success and failure as opposites, but they’re really not. They’re companions.”
This really hit me. At first, I balked at it. I replied some negative comment. He replies with “You build on what you dwell on.” And then challenged me to write 3 positive things about me. I did so reluctantly but I ended up sending him 4!
Tuesday night, I chatted with my bishop. I love this guy. He is not into punishment nor dwelling on the past. Yes, he wants to learn from it. Yes, he will remind me how this addiction is wrong. But mainly he is interested in progress. And he has seen me progress. He has a lot of confidence in me which gives me a lot of confidence. He mentioned how he liked to give me a project. I have mentioned to him before that I would be willing to support other guys in my own ward. I gain much strength from connecting with others and providing them encouragement. I come across as a real downer sometimes on this blog, but I have so much potential to be strong and positive. But he may want to start a group or something for our ward or maybe even the stake. I told him i'd think about that. My sobriety/recovery isn't the best right now. I'd like to be in a better place first.
This has given me a new impetus to do what I need to in order to get some sobriety going and build some recovery. I want to be someone that can help others in this battle. I have been given a great blessing to have found solutions that work. I don’t stay beat up. I don’t feel hopeless. I don’t. This recovery process is a long process and it is rarely a linear process. (more like the stock market).
I want to be a powerfulforce for good in this world. And I am very capable of doing so. I have a lot of passion, and a lot of compassion as well. I care deeply for people. That is a trait about myself that I do like; that I am willing to fight for people or to listen to them or do support them. People have done it for me and I want to return the favor. I don’t have a cruel or malice heart. I have an incredible amount of patience as well. I have a lot of internal and ‘self’ issues. I do have a lot of anger in me too. And frustrations. And sometimes I just don’t quite know what to do with them. I am a more thoughtful and sensitive kind of guy. I would even admit to being a romantic at heart. (So unmacho!!)
This weekend I’m not going to have any plans. Which is rare for me. I usually try and do as much as I possibly can. I am going to do some room cleaning Friday. A long INDOOR workout (stinky weather). Attend a meeting. Do some reading and journal writing. Saturday I’ll spend some time with the family.
And one more note…..
So a girl that I had emailed back and forth a number of times back in December, texted me this past weekend. She was someone I met online. Way nice girl. Super cute too. She was just asking about apartments out in Salt Lake. My heart kinda skipped a beat. I called her Sunday but only left a message. She called back Tuesday night but I was already asleep. We agreed to chat this weekend sometime. I found her profile on facebook (yes, totally stalking…you’ve all done it). And I like this girl! But if I said I wasn’t nervous or uneasy about it….i’d be lying. I’m going to be praying all week about it. I know it’s just a phone call. I know I have my ‘dating break’ going on. Maybe I’ll chicken out completely and say I have no business “leading some girl on” “or dragging into my woeful life” “or I’m only going to hurt her”. I kinda don’t want to do that And maybe I’m just starved with female attention but I got the butterflies just looking at her profile. Dang it sometimes I wish I wasn’t an addict!!!!
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
checking in
well, I haven't posted in like a week. Seems most everyone is posting quite regularly these days. I do read most everyone's posts. I don't know if reading other people's stories is all that good for me. Especially the spouses. Maybe I should stop this blog altogether. Not sure what it does anyway. I am timid to write how I really feel about things. It probably wouldn't come out 'nice.' And I'd probably drop some bad words..:)
Anyway, I'm meeting with my bishop tonight. I need to report some relapses lately. I'm intrigued by the word 'relapse'. I see mine mainly as "battle losses". I see most things as a battle. Thus i am warrior. I must be a violent person or something. I am just passionate. Even my dreams at night lately have been about battles and fighting enemies and swords.
I'm still pretty burned out. I am tired of addiction. I am tired of recovery too. I sometimes just don't want to do all that it requires. It requires more than I can give. I go to like 4 recovery meetings a week. I try to read scriptures every day. Last week I didn't. I think I missed the whole week. It takes very strict discipline with my schedule. I work from 7 am to 6 pm every weekday. By the time I go to a recovery meeting and get home....it's time for bed. And I need to get up around 545 in order to have adequate time to read, get ready, and drive to work.
I've just been losing motivation. It's tough for me sometimes to remember why I am fighting and why i care. Recovery requires total commitment. But the devil LOVES to tell me that 5 minutes of indulging really doesn't matter. I buy that. I buy his lies. Makes sense right?? I don't have a family. No wife. I have a few close friends. None of them know of my addiction. People in my singles ward don't know. Everyone thinks I'm pretty normal for the most part. And masturbation has got to be the cheapest pleasure on the planet. Feels great. Doesn't cost any money. Can be done just about any time or place. No costs huh?
But i read something on Sparrow's blog that really got me thinking. What do I value?? What are the costs?? What am I missing out on??
Here is what I miss out on:
This all kinda depresses me. I can counter every one of these too with some sort of excuse. I can simply just be single and deal with it. And tell myself that I am better off. Honestly, I feel that way alot. Anything I start to entertain the idea of going for a relationship....I just need to read more on how addiction and relationships mesh. Not well at all. I haven't earned the right to love or be loved anyway. Everyone made balk at that, but I feel like I have to do my part and be worthy of love. I am not sure what 'unconditional love' is. I think God can. I think my mom can. (she will always be my mom....I can always dump a girlfriend)
As far as work...well, they haven't fired me yet. And if they did....I'll figure it out. I don't have debt and have a good junk of money in the bank.
This is how I think of things. I have even been considering buying a home but to be honest I have fears of losing my job. I don't know what would happen if I confessed up to viewing crap at work (youtube and facebook). I've wasted my employers time.
I am trying to believe that I can actually overcome this addiction. Just yesterday I was thinking how great it would be if I could just keep the addiction to one relapse a month. i would consider that a victory. Not good enough to get married, but I could at least do life on some level with that. The idea of complete sobriety and going several months or a year clean....seems a bit out of my reach.
I hate this addiction. But at the same time, I apparently don't mind indulging. What do I need?? More rock bottoms?? What else can I lose? I think losing my job would suck. But then again, it would give me an excuse to move out of the state and go explore the world. (which i would enjoy).
blast, this isn't a very positive post. It is honest though. I won't give up though. I refuse. But then again, is it foolish to continually bang your head against the wall and refuse to give up??? Sounds kinda insane. Maybe I should give up. Maybe I need to start going to counseling or a new therapist. I may talk to the bishop about that tonight.
the fact is....people do change. I believe in the theory of that. People seem to do it every now and then. I am not so sure how I am going to put that into practice. I guess I need to pray harder. And work the steps more. The guy that I asked to be my sponsor may not be a good fit. I need a coach. I need someone to show me the steps, the way, because I don't know how to do it. I've been banging my head against the wall too long. My head is starting to hurt. A lot.
Anyway, I'm meeting with my bishop tonight. I need to report some relapses lately. I'm intrigued by the word 'relapse'. I see mine mainly as "battle losses". I see most things as a battle. Thus i am warrior. I must be a violent person or something. I am just passionate. Even my dreams at night lately have been about battles and fighting enemies and swords.
I'm still pretty burned out. I am tired of addiction. I am tired of recovery too. I sometimes just don't want to do all that it requires. It requires more than I can give. I go to like 4 recovery meetings a week. I try to read scriptures every day. Last week I didn't. I think I missed the whole week. It takes very strict discipline with my schedule. I work from 7 am to 6 pm every weekday. By the time I go to a recovery meeting and get home....it's time for bed. And I need to get up around 545 in order to have adequate time to read, get ready, and drive to work.
I've just been losing motivation. It's tough for me sometimes to remember why I am fighting and why i care. Recovery requires total commitment. But the devil LOVES to tell me that 5 minutes of indulging really doesn't matter. I buy that. I buy his lies. Makes sense right?? I don't have a family. No wife. I have a few close friends. None of them know of my addiction. People in my singles ward don't know. Everyone thinks I'm pretty normal for the most part. And masturbation has got to be the cheapest pleasure on the planet. Feels great. Doesn't cost any money. Can be done just about any time or place. No costs huh?
But i read something on Sparrow's blog that really got me thinking. What do I value?? What are the costs?? What am I missing out on??
Here is what I miss out on:
- I don't get to enjoy relationships with the opposite sex
- I don't get to be married
- I don't get to have kids and wrestle/play with them (which i really love doing)
- I am not as productive at work
- I am not all that happy (life is more dull...colors are more gray)
- I have to spend so much time and energy battling the addiction
- I am not as spiritual...which means I'm not blessing the lives of others as much.
This all kinda depresses me. I can counter every one of these too with some sort of excuse. I can simply just be single and deal with it. And tell myself that I am better off. Honestly, I feel that way alot. Anything I start to entertain the idea of going for a relationship....I just need to read more on how addiction and relationships mesh. Not well at all. I haven't earned the right to love or be loved anyway. Everyone made balk at that, but I feel like I have to do my part and be worthy of love. I am not sure what 'unconditional love' is. I think God can. I think my mom can. (she will always be my mom....I can always dump a girlfriend)
As far as work...well, they haven't fired me yet. And if they did....I'll figure it out. I don't have debt and have a good junk of money in the bank.
This is how I think of things. I have even been considering buying a home but to be honest I have fears of losing my job. I don't know what would happen if I confessed up to viewing crap at work (youtube and facebook). I've wasted my employers time.
I am trying to believe that I can actually overcome this addiction. Just yesterday I was thinking how great it would be if I could just keep the addiction to one relapse a month. i would consider that a victory. Not good enough to get married, but I could at least do life on some level with that. The idea of complete sobriety and going several months or a year clean....seems a bit out of my reach.
I hate this addiction. But at the same time, I apparently don't mind indulging. What do I need?? More rock bottoms?? What else can I lose? I think losing my job would suck. But then again, it would give me an excuse to move out of the state and go explore the world. (which i would enjoy).
blast, this isn't a very positive post. It is honest though. I won't give up though. I refuse. But then again, is it foolish to continually bang your head against the wall and refuse to give up??? Sounds kinda insane. Maybe I should give up. Maybe I need to start going to counseling or a new therapist. I may talk to the bishop about that tonight.
the fact is....people do change. I believe in the theory of that. People seem to do it every now and then. I am not so sure how I am going to put that into practice. I guess I need to pray harder. And work the steps more. The guy that I asked to be my sponsor may not be a good fit. I need a coach. I need someone to show me the steps, the way, because I don't know how to do it. I've been banging my head against the wall too long. My head is starting to hurt. A lot.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
More step 2 moments...
Dang, I've been posting alot. that's what I get for thinking too much. I'll be brief. I had a real special moment during lunch today.
I took a break and went to the local library. I printed off the ARP manual's step 2 portion. I go mainly to SA meetings and it kinda dawned on me that we don't talk enough about Christ and healing and 'tender mercies'. We mention God and a 'higher power.'
But today I wanted to feel something different. My recovery has been very rocky lately. I am not tapping into the spiritual realm enough. A program of recovery is a spiritual program. Any AA or SA or PASG or ARP meeting is going to tell you that. It truly is.
While I was reading this portion, i got to the questions at the end. These questions are money!
I feel God's love when I let myself be humble and when I sincerely seek him out. I felt that today. And it felt really good. This is the real feeling that I am searching for. Not the pleasure/arousal i get from porn. It is so hollow and fleeting. In those moments, I am trying to connect with something....with something that isn't there.
I desire more spirituality in my life. Not just meetings and step work. (I am going to continue that as well). I decided to attend a PASG meeting this Wednesday (and even canceled an invite from a girl in my ward to see a movie with her and her friends).
I've missed God. He is a kind man. He is a good man. He is a caring man. I like to think of him that way. He just never seems to give up on me....I really really appreciate that.
I took a break and went to the local library. I printed off the ARP manual's step 2 portion. I go mainly to SA meetings and it kinda dawned on me that we don't talk enough about Christ and healing and 'tender mercies'. We mention God and a 'higher power.'
But today I wanted to feel something different. My recovery has been very rocky lately. I am not tapping into the spiritual realm enough. A program of recovery is a spiritual program. Any AA or SA or PASG or ARP meeting is going to tell you that. It truly is.
While I was reading this portion, i got to the questions at the end. These questions are money!
- What evidences of God and his love have you experienced?
- Write about your feelings today of being humble and willing to turn to Christ above all other sources of help in your recovery efforts.
- Write about the Savior's compassion and patience
- How do you feel about sharing your feelings with the Lord?
I feel God's love when I let myself be humble and when I sincerely seek him out. I felt that today. And it felt really good. This is the real feeling that I am searching for. Not the pleasure/arousal i get from porn. It is so hollow and fleeting. In those moments, I am trying to connect with something....with something that isn't there.
I desire more spirituality in my life. Not just meetings and step work. (I am going to continue that as well). I decided to attend a PASG meeting this Wednesday (and even canceled an invite from a girl in my ward to see a movie with her and her friends).
I've missed God. He is a kind man. He is a good man. He is a caring man. I like to think of him that way. He just never seems to give up on me....I really really appreciate that.
Monday, March 11, 2013
A step 2 moment...
So i was getting all stressed and worried at work. I feel not good enough. Or this and that. That i'm not very productive (bc sometimes frankly i'm not) And lately after reading some things about codependency, it is very clear to me that I am as well. (big news flash, huh?) Well, it takes so much energy dealing with one addiction, I'm not sure I want to deal with another one. Sexual addicts can't be codependents too!! Just like the codependents can't be addicts..
Anyway, after writing a few pages in the ole journal...it dawned on me. I really don't have to solve my whole life today. I don't even need to do it this week. A big relief. Now, i'm not scrapping responsibility all together (altogether?)
AND...I can't solve my problems with my thinking alone. I don't think i even can.
That's what step 2 is all about! I come to believe that a power greater than me can restore me to sanity.
I don't have to do it all!! God can and wants to help me. He is real is he not? I just have to believe and have positive faith thinking.
Now I still need to go to programs and surrender/fight during lust hits....but I can take some relief in knowing that there are forces greater than me to help.
I die without forces/powers greater than me.
I have so much to do....but that's okay. I just gotta do what I can today.
Anyway, after writing a few pages in the ole journal...it dawned on me. I really don't have to solve my whole life today. I don't even need to do it this week. A big relief. Now, i'm not scrapping responsibility all together (altogether?)
AND...I can't solve my problems with my thinking alone. I don't think i even can.
That's what step 2 is all about! I come to believe that a power greater than me can restore me to sanity.
I don't have to do it all!! God can and wants to help me. He is real is he not? I just have to believe and have positive faith thinking.
Now I still need to go to programs and surrender/fight during lust hits....but I can take some relief in knowing that there are forces greater than me to help.
I die without forces/powers greater than me.
I have so much to do....but that's okay. I just gotta do what I can today.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Neuroscience of triggers
So I am reading a very interesting book called Emotional Intelligence. The author begins his discussion explaining where emotions began and why they are a part of our brains.
According to Evolutionary biologists, originally humans were much more emotional than rational. This can be seen in the brain alone. The most vital and necessary parts of the brain are in the brain stem; the ones that control the bodily functions of other organs such as the heart or breathing. This is most conducive to our overall survival.
But in a world of different stimuli and dangers, the brain developed another layer of elements, the limbic system. Within the limbic system are three key parts: the thalamus, the hippocampus, and the amgydala.
Beyond the limbic system are the largest portion of the brain, the neocortex. The neocortex is what sets us apart from most other animals. Ours are well-developed. The neocortex involves all the different rational faculties that we possess, allowing us to cognitively process the information. In the forehead, we have the prefrontal cortex. The prefrontal cortex is the portion that can damper emotional or different situations. It is the ‘off’ switch if you will. The prefrontal cortex is where we make rational and ethical decisions. It is where we calm down. It is where we separate and make sense of our emotions. To contrast, a child who is screaming and being unreasonable is reacting according to the limbic system. I used to work with autistic children. One boy in particular would have ‘triggers’, such as not getting his way, and he would then scream and refuse anything for an hour straight. His mom described this as being in the limbic system. This is similar to the reactions of dogs. They are more wired to simply react and to respond. If a dog is eating and you reach to grab its food, it will become violent and attack, even though you are its kind master. We find that humans can be quite similar.
When we undergo traumatic or emotionally intense events, these ‘emotions’ are imprinted on both the hippocampus and also the amgydala. The hippocampus records the ‘whats’; where we were, who was involved, what was said. The amgydala records the ‘flavor’. The emotions behind it, whether it be pain or pleasure. For example, the hippocampus will record the name of our cousin and also allow us to recognize their face. The amgydala will record our overall disposition towards that person, which may be dislike.
When the retinas within the eye send signals to the brain, they first go to the thalamus. Its job is to simply record facts. It then routes the information to various parts of the brain such as the sensory circuits at the back of the head. However, there is a small link between the thalamus and the amgydala. The message gets there first. The amgydala has the ability to send us into a reaction before the information is processed.
As an example, you walk into a room where your son cleverly placed a plastic snake. When you were 5 you had a bad experience with a snake that bit you and caused you a great deal of discomfort. Somewhere in your amgydala this trauma was imprinted. When your eyes see the snake the signal goes to the thalamus which records ‘snake’. The initial signal is routed to the amgydala which sets the whole body in motion. Before you ‘realize’ what has happened, you have leaped through the window and are trying to hide behind a bush in your backyard. So irrational!!!
These are the same mechanisms at play for those who have been affected by betrayal or intense emotions.
The down-side of the brain is that some of these reactions get ‘out dated.’ A lot of impressions on the amgydla were recorded when we were only children or mere infants. Some of these impressions may be based on very dated emotional reactions induced by our enviroments. These can even occur in our adult lives. Even after we have developed new responses to situations, the unconscious memory stores in the amgydala can still affect our reactions. In the book the author gives an example (which is ironic) of a waitress dropping 2 large trays just at the sight of a woman with red, curly hair that resembled the woman her ex-husband left her for.
The number and type of triggering impressions are endless.
This happens in everyone’s mind, addict or not.
Unfortunately, I haven’t read beyond this. So in terms of what to do against triggers and how to help the brain heal from them…..i am still learning that!!
The brain is so fascinating to me!!
I'd like to do a post on the ‘neuroscience of addiction” as well. Maybe next time.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Smash addiction!!
I hate this addiction.
I really hate it. Sometimes it is hard to pinpoint who the enemy is. With alchohol it seems either you drink or don't. (I guess you can fantasize about drinking). Same with drugs. You can hate drugs...the needles, the pills. Right??
But with a porn addiction....what do I hate?? I don't hate women. Do I hate beautiful women?? No. (Ok, sometimes I do) Do I ate immodest women?? Not really. Do I hate the female body?? No, God created it. Do I hate my attraction to women?? No...I thought it was supposed to be natural. (Ok, sometimes I even hate that i'm attracted to women...insane, huh?)
Obviously, the real culprit is lust. Lust is elusive. I've been trying to figure out what it is since I started going to SA. The white book says it is "cunning and baffling."
Can I simply hate lust then?? I think so. Since it seems so fictional....I wanted to post some pictures about what I want to do to lust. And you can throw the devil in that category too.
I also liked this cool vintage photo of Iron Man breaking a chain. Physically and metaphorically breaking an addiction.
Go superheros!!
I may not be a superhero yet....but God is. That why I have to surrender and call upon him to destroy lust.
enjoy:
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
recovery for ME
Quick post...
Went to a meeting last night that really impacted me. Lately, I'm struggling with "reasons to fight" and feeling all this emotion and self-pity for being this poor single guy who gets no love. 'Why should I even try?" "Addiction is so hard." "I am so powerless."
Well, I was full of anxiety and fear the whole day. I felt my boss was going to expose me. I felt he was going to pull me in my office and fire me. I have acted out at work. Nothing worse than facebook or youtube though, maybe that's why it hasn't caught up to me.
But what really impacted me was that I want to recover for ME. I want the spirit of it to burn in my bones. I want to feel that peace and joy that recovery brings for ME. I want to enjoy the fruits of repentance.
I am always trying to "not look at porn...not look at garbage" becuase I don't want to get caught, or becasue I want to have this relationship or be with that girl, or so I can keep my respectable reputation.
I WANT RECOVERY BECAUSE IT MAKES MY LIFE BETTER.
Wow, is that selfish?
Is that asking too much??
But here's how I see it....I can only do this for me. I can only work on my recovery. Even if I am clean and pure and all that....people are still going to love or reject me. I could still get fired for whatever reason. Girls could decide not to date me.
I have no power over the world. I only have power (if that) of my own world. I want to connect with God on a real and personal level.
I meet with my new sponsor tonight...I'm actually really excited about this. I'm ready to do whatever he requests. I'm going to assume my ideas don't work...and that his do.
(I'm also reading a fabulous book....I'll post more on what i am learning)
Went to a meeting last night that really impacted me. Lately, I'm struggling with "reasons to fight" and feeling all this emotion and self-pity for being this poor single guy who gets no love. 'Why should I even try?" "Addiction is so hard." "I am so powerless."
Well, I was full of anxiety and fear the whole day. I felt my boss was going to expose me. I felt he was going to pull me in my office and fire me. I have acted out at work. Nothing worse than facebook or youtube though, maybe that's why it hasn't caught up to me.
But what really impacted me was that I want to recover for ME. I want the spirit of it to burn in my bones. I want to feel that peace and joy that recovery brings for ME. I want to enjoy the fruits of repentance.
I am always trying to "not look at porn...not look at garbage" becuase I don't want to get caught, or becasue I want to have this relationship or be with that girl, or so I can keep my respectable reputation.
I WANT RECOVERY BECAUSE IT MAKES MY LIFE BETTER.
Wow, is that selfish?
Is that asking too much??
But here's how I see it....I can only do this for me. I can only work on my recovery. Even if I am clean and pure and all that....people are still going to love or reject me. I could still get fired for whatever reason. Girls could decide not to date me.
I have no power over the world. I only have power (if that) of my own world. I want to connect with God on a real and personal level.
I meet with my new sponsor tonight...I'm actually really excited about this. I'm ready to do whatever he requests. I'm going to assume my ideas don't work...and that his do.
(I'm also reading a fabulous book....I'll post more on what i am learning)
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Why I fight?....a refresher...
I know this is all really obvious. But really…is it always so obvious??
Recovering from sexual addiction is hard. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I like a good challenge in life. I view most things in life as challenges. But this challenge has been very unpleasant.
I saw my mission and learning Spanish to be a challenge. I was a dutiful studier of the language. And after being home for almost 7 years…I am still very fluent.
I saw my $8,500 of student loan debt as a challenge. Paid it off in less than 2 years. I saw my first car loan ($7,000) as a challenge. Paid that off too. I am debt free!!
I saw doing 8 triathlons last summer as a challenge. Completed all 8 with excellence, winning my age group on a number of them.
I saw my undergraduate degree as a challenge. Finished that too.
i saw being disgruntled with my degree and then picking a new field through networking and contacts and acquiring an excellent career in a field I did NOT get my degree in....as a challenge!
Why?? Why did I do all these challenges?? Because they are important to my life's goals.
What about the challenge of addiction???
1. I don’t give up because I simply don’t believe in giving up.
This is a curse and a blessing for me. I will repeatedly fail things over and over in the same way. I get knocked down, I get back up. Over and over and over. I like to accomplish things on my own merit. I like to think that I actually do most things on my own and without assistance. Unfortunately (probably a blessing in disguise), recovery REQUIRES the strength from others, notably from God. The trick is for me to put my energies towards methods that actually work. (There are plenty that don’t work.) Not giving up (even with all the pain/frustration) is worth the fight.
2. To be worthy of spiritual blessings
I refer to temple blessings. I refer to the companionship of the Holy Ghost. These are real blessings and they bring a whole lot of happiness. Living a wholesome life does make me happy. In a lasting sort of way. Viewing porn brings a sense of pleasure, too. It does. But it is so hollow. It is so fake. And you lose the spirit. I can honestly feel it. I can think of specific times where I had a week full of relapses and tried to home teach or teach a gospel class. The lessons go flat every time. Like a bad comedian on a tough crowd. Having the spirit improves my ability to do life on all levels. I’m more productive at work. More caring in my interactions/relations with others. I think better. I feel better. I don’t feel as apathetic. (I fall into the ‘I don’t really care” mentality easily) Spiritual blessings are worth the fight.
3. To be able to have a real, wholesome relationship with a woman
I am no pro on relationships, but I have learned a great deal about them over the years. (Mainly due to trial and error) Indulging in this addiction hurts women tremendously. It just attacks them on so many levels. It degrades what is so pure and right. I still have a lot of hard feelings/resentments towards the idea of marriage. A lot actually. It takes so much faith for me. I get filled with doubts about it all the time. But I must say, that being able to have a good, wholesome relationship is worth it. It is nice to have someone you can chat with and do fun things with. And cuddling with guy friends just doesn’t appeal to me at all. Ironically enough, I am a bit of a romantic at heart. I love making girls feel special and I always treat them well in my relationships. (I have never touched a girl inappropriately nor yelled at one during a dispute or attempted to do so. Addiction seems to be more of a self-punishment for me) But the reality is that when I am off, I’m not as capable of making others, especially girls feel more loved and special. Maybe that’s copdependent of me, but I really want to be a blessings to others NOT a burden.
I have made the decision that I am going to throw myself at recovery for the next two months and May 1st , I’ll make a decision about trying to date again. Not saying I’m going to get married right off the bat but maybe include dating in my life. I always have my best sobriety when I am in a relationship. Having a girl gives me a heck of a lot of motivation and desire to fight. It is worth the fight.
4. To be worthy of my priesthood in order to bless others.
To give myself some credit, I do care a lot about people and I have a great love for gospel truths. I really enjoy going to church and attending institute every semester. I enjoy learning about God and all the different doctrines and religious ideas there are to study. I am not trying to be a hypocrite. I want to be stronger as a priestholder…to be someone others can count on. I like to do my home teaching. I like to call people up and ask them how they are doing. I give my home teaching companion a ride to church each Sunday. He was completely inactive before I met him. I like to serve and do volunteer work, which I do on a regular basis.
And honestly, I can still do all those things and act out/indulge in the addiction. But I can do service/etc with a better conscience when I am pure. It is worth the fight.
5. To accomplish more and develop more talents
Indulging in the addiction can take up so much time and also energy. When you have the days where you just don’t want to fight the cravings anymore, often it’ll be the next few hours or even the rest of the day until you come back to your senses. So much time is wasted. So much energy (emotionally, physically, and spiritually) is lost as well.
There are so many more talents that I would like to develop over the next year. I am starting piano lessons with my sister. I could certainly use more time for that. I love to read and to learn. I don’t read fictional novels but I have stacks of non-fiction; self-help books, philosophical books, doctrinal books. Lots of good stuff. I want to devote my emotional energy to developing a stronger and more loving character. I have faith that I can do it. Not on my own, but through the power of God. He must be real. And I assume that he cares. There is so much power to tap into. It is worth the fight.
These were the key 5 things that I thought of. I hope I'm not patting myself on the back too mcuh. But being 'good to myself' is better than all the self-dobut I constantly have. I have an older post that sum them up as well.
Why do you fight your demons?? Why not just give in?? (it is easier....)
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