I love recovery work

this is a strange thing to say but it is true. Recovery is mortality for me.  Working recovery is discovering everything about me and learning what I came to this earth to do. With making money, training for races, earning degrees, I learned things here are there, but recovery work has been the greatest challenge of my existence.

I survived this week. I've been like a boat on an ocean.  I just look at my latest posts and they are ALL OVER THE PLACE.  I understand life is tough....but this is a sign for me that I am not in recovery and not really working the steps or a program.  The good thing about this week is that I am letting go.  I'm giving up. (again).  I went to a 12-step meeting Monday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday night, Thursday night, and Saturday morning.  (I took Friday off to go skiing...it was my birthday!)

So i think my sponsor hunt may be over.  YES!!  i called an experienced member in SA (who has way too many sponsees) and asked him who would be good for a sponsor.  i would love to work with this guy but he's booked.  I gave him my small list and he figured I should call a couple. he suggest one. Well, I chatted for 40 minutes with one in particular who is real solid.  he is blunt. He is honest.  he works a program daily. He is consistent. He is serious about recovery.  This is just what I want.  i want to TRAIN!!  And....this guy is single. Yep, not married.  Now, this isn't critical but I don't meet very many single guys who are actually in recovery.  We addicts are pretty thick-headed. Often it doesn't hit us until we lose everything.

Well....I DON'T WANT TO LOSE EVERYTHING!! Dang it.  I don't think I have to either.  God doesn't require that.  He only requires our ALL!!

I am willing to do whatever this guy requires.  He's even younger than me (by 1 year).  But he has some solid recovery.  He is also adament about getting sobriety before marriage. I needed some more validation about that.  Jana and also iheartseattle have agreed.  I still resent that. I still want to be wanted and lusted after and validated by every nice, cute LDS girl I come across. i admit that.

But this is going to be more journey, more battles, more up and downs.  I still have to do dailies. I still need to blog.  I still need to make calls during the day and surrender. All the time.

I had a tough moment Thurday.  I wanted to act out during the day. The day was kinda boring (so i thought) I had like 3 simple work tasks to complete. Should take 30 minutes. But i wanted it to drag out all morning. My staff was taking me to lunch and then I'd coast through the day and then go home.  And it was nice outside and i wanted to go on a bike ride or something. Mind wandering. Kinda bored.  Hmmm?? What will eventually happen to a sexual addict???  Sure enough i got triggered!! surprise!! So i sent out my little text " hey, im being triggered. I surrender."

I get a bunch of responses. Yay! Validation!! People can feel sorry for me! And cheer for me! And I can keep going.  However....one guy gave me a long response with some tough things to consider.  Like what am I surrender? What is really triggering me? What is the root issue at play??

Blast!! I hate going through all that.  Here was the reality:  I was bored because I was putting off finsihing tasks. I was putting off finishing tasks becasue I wanted to avoid this other project i'm working on.  I was avoiding that becasue I don't quite know how to accomplish it and I feel totally inadequate at work and feel that my boss is going to call me out on it and I feel incredible self-loathing and shame because I may not be able to do projecgts effectively.......

Ugg...

But I told the guy that. And about everything I was feeling.  I made another call in the afternoon.  I went to my meeting and re-shared all of that.  I hate bringing it all up.  But guess what? i didn't act out. It worked.

By some miracle, when I connect with others, bring darkness to light, and apply the steps/principles...I stay sober. One day at a time. "the program works when I work it."

No place for pride. No place for thinking we can own it.  i can't own.  I can't survive without eating and drinking.  i can't survive without practicing recovery daily. That's all there is to it.