Why I fight?....a refresher...

I know this is all really obvious. But really…is it always so obvious??

Recovering from sexual addiction is hard. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  I like a good challenge in life. I view most things in life as challenges.  But this challenge has been very unpleasant.

I saw my mission and learning Spanish to be a challenge. I was a dutiful studier of the language. And after being home for almost 7 years…I am still very fluent.

I saw my $8,500 of student loan debt as a challenge. Paid it off in less than 2 years.  I saw my first car loan ($7,000) as a challenge. Paid that off too.  I am debt free!!

I saw doing 8 triathlons last summer as a challenge. Completed all 8 with excellence, winning my age group on a number of them.

I saw my undergraduate degree as a challenge. Finished that too.

i saw being disgruntled with my degree and then picking a new field through networking and contacts and acquiring an excellent career in a field I did NOT get my degree in....as a challenge!

Why??  Why did I do all these challenges??  Because they are important to my life's goals.

What about the challenge of addiction???

1.            I don’t give up because I simply don’t believe in giving up.

This is a curse and a blessing for me.  I will repeatedly fail things over and over in the same way.  I get knocked down, I get back up.  Over and over and over.  I like to accomplish things on my own merit.  I like to think that I actually do most things on my own and without assistance.  Unfortunately (probably a blessing in disguise), recovery REQUIRES the strength from others, notably from God. The trick is for me to put my energies towards methods that actually work. (There are plenty that don’t work.)  Not giving up (even with all the pain/frustration) is worth the fight.

2.            To be worthy of spiritual blessings

I refer to temple blessings. I refer to the companionship of the Holy Ghost.  These are real blessings and they bring a whole lot of happiness.  Living a wholesome life does make me happy. In a lasting sort of way. Viewing porn brings a sense of pleasure, too. It does. But it is so hollow. It is so fake.  And you lose the spirit. I can honestly feel it.  I can think of specific times where I had a week full of relapses and tried to home teach or teach a gospel class. The lessons go flat every time. Like a bad comedian on a tough crowd.  Having the spirit improves my ability to do life on all levels.  I’m more productive at work. More caring in my interactions/relations with others.  I think better.  I feel better.  I don’t feel as apathetic. (I fall into the ‘I don’t really care” mentality easily) Spiritual blessings are worth the fight.

3.            To be able to have a real, wholesome relationship with a woman

I am no pro on relationships, but I have learned a great deal about them over the years.  (Mainly due to trial and error)  Indulging in this addiction hurts women tremendously.  It just attacks them on so many levels. It degrades what is so pure and right.  I still have a lot of hard feelings/resentments towards the idea of marriage. A lot actually.  It takes so much faith for me. I get filled with doubts about it all the time.  But I must say, that being able to have a good, wholesome relationship is worth it.  It is nice to have someone you can chat with and do fun things with.  And cuddling with guy friends just doesn’t appeal to me at all.  Ironically enough, I am a bit of a romantic at heart. I love making girls feel special and I always treat them well in my relationships. (I have never touched a girl inappropriately nor yelled at one during a dispute or attempted to do so.  Addiction seems to be more of a self-punishment for me)  But the reality is that when I am off, I’m not as capable of making others, especially girls feel more loved and special. Maybe that’s copdependent of me, but I really want to be a blessings to others NOT a burden.

I have made the decision that I am going to throw myself at recovery for the next two months and May 1^st , I’ll make a decision about trying to date again. Not saying I’m going to get married right off the bat but maybe include dating in my life.  I always have my best sobriety when I am in a relationship. Having a girl gives me a heck of a lot of motivation and desire to fight.  It is worth the fight.

4.            To be worthy of my priesthood in order to bless others.

To give myself some credit, I do care a lot about people and I have a great love for gospel truths.  I really enjoy going to church and attending institute every semester. I enjoy learning about God and all the different doctrines and religious ideas there are to study.  I am not trying to be a hypocrite.   I want to be stronger as a priestholder…to be someone others can count on.  I like to do my home teaching.  I like to call people up and ask them how they are doing.  I give my home teaching companion a ride to church each Sunday. He was completely inactive before I met him.  I like to serve and do volunteer work, which I do on a regular basis. 

And honestly, I can still do all those things and act out/indulge in the addiction.  But I can do service/etc with a better conscience when I am pure.  It is worth the fight.

5.            To accomplish more and develop more talents

Indulging in the addiction can take up so much time and also energy.  When you have the days where you just don’t want to fight the cravings anymore, often it’ll be the next few hours or even the rest of the day until you come back to your senses.  So much time is wasted.  So much energy (emotionally, physically, and spiritually) is lost as well.

There are so many more talents that I would like to develop over the next year.  I am starting piano lessons with my sister.  I could certainly use more time for that.  I love to read and to learn.  I don’t read fictional novels but I have stacks of non-fiction; self-help books, philosophical books, doctrinal books. Lots of good stuff.  I want to devote my emotional energy to developing a stronger and more loving character.  I have faith that I can do it.  Not on my own, but through the power of God.  He must be real. And I assume that he cares.  There is so much power to tap into.  It is worth the fight.

These were the key 5 things that I thought of. I hope I'm not patting myself on the back too mcuh.  But being 'good to myself' is better than all the self-dobut I constantly have. I have an older post that sum them up as well.

Why do you fight your demons??  Why not just give in??  (it is easier....)