Plans for the summer

Checking in. I can feel myself drifting a bit today. Not focusing properly at work. I don't always get much personal time in the evenings so I do so at work. I start at 7 am. I am identifying it now. There is a combination of stress and fear. Stress about work projects that are due by the end of the month. I want them done. I want to impress my boss. There are many reasons why that is a favorable thing (not just bc it is co-dependent of me).  And also the stress/fears with dating and relationships. Fears of the future and how it will all turn out. I'm taking deep breathes and letting it go best i can.

I had to write a girl an email this past week about how I am not pursuing relationships at this time. We had been spending more and more time together as "friends." But I needed to be more clear. Well, I figured it was clear. She was 'all cool with it.'  We ended up going out Saturday. I didn't put my arm around her or make any moves.  She then invited me to go to a little dinner on Sunday with one of her favorite uncles.  I thought about...and went.  I felt like the boyfriend. Luckily i was introduced as 'the friend,' but i went home feeling kinda upset about it.  I get myself into these dilemmas.  I also noticed that I have a tendency to always attract forward, 'go get em' type girls.  I must be easy to prey on.  On the outside, i'm a nice, funny, conversational, personable, approachable kinda guy. And it can be emotionally depressing to have to say "sorry, can't date right now"  "why not??" "because i can't....and I can't tell you."  :(

But I feel peace about letting that go. I have written a hundred times about that.  We had a multi-ward FHE on Monday that involved speed dating. That would have been fun. I love to chat and flirt. I like meeting new girls. But....I went to a sexaholics anonymous meeting instead.  Not only am I having to give up dating but also getting all caught up in flirting and chatting. 

A friend of mine texted me and said it all matters where the motives are. Where is your heart. Am i using the whole flirting/dating as my validation and self-worth?? Am I trying to fill a void through attention from girls?? I can have that through God. He can fill that void. He is the only one that should. I feel peace writing about that. I read in D&C 38 today and I am in awe at what these infinite beings have done and what they mean to me. God is so real to me. It isn't just some fantastical notion to make us all feel good. It is real. I truly am on this earth as a spiritual being in a temporal world. This battle with addiction is my mortality.


I honestly think I will simply enjoy the next several months like this. Over the whole summer.
My goals will be to continue recovery one day at a time. Learning to be more emotionally stable. Working on getting my 'house in order."  And working on righting my wrongs and defects. Every guy with solid recovery speaks of that. I have a good sponsor now who is very thorough. I'm grateful for him. I hope to learn whatever I can from him. I'm going to do all 12 steps and I don't care the result. I don't even care if step 9 requires me to confess to my boss and i lose my job. I have no worries about the future at this moment. Come what comes.

I also want to continue to do well at work and save money.  I want to progress in all aspects of my life as much as I possibly can so that by September (or when the spirit dictates) I can proceed with dating and 'wife hunting".  (Ok, girls don't like to hear it like that....but it's true)

And....ride my bike as much as possible!!  Weather is going to be great this weekend! I'm shooting for a century ride this Friday!