I haven’t posted in a week because I was on a family trip and did a two day backpacking trip. I must say that I absolutely love being on hikes or in nature. And the more challenging the better.
I had a good experience at church.
I was getting majorly attacked. Not so much on the visuals but from my ‘database.’ You have to realize that after years of viewing porn and also having a very good photographic memory….I have files and files of stored images. I would love to be able to just delete them. Just like on a computer but sometimes I can’t.
I was in the middle of sacrament meeting and images of all sort of video clips I had watched years ago and some recent came to mind. It was physically painful trying to keep my head straight and pray over and over. I was also in my brother’s married student ward and seeing all these young couples cuddling and back scratching was more than I could handle. I pleaded with God to let me survive. I literally had to fold my arms and stare at the ground to have the moment pass. This is serious withdrawal symptions folks.
This all lasted a good 30 minutes straight. During the sacrament I tried very hard to focus on Christ…focus on his power. He forgave sinners all the time. I wanted a little something. And I felt it. Yes, I felt some light coming through my clouds. Guys, I totally understand the experience that Joseph Smith had while he was praying in the grove, when he was attacked by Satan. He seems to quite literally bind your tongue. Porn addiction does it to you as well!
But I felt some hope. I felt some forgiveness. I even went up to the pulpit and bore my testimony. I can feel it now since I’m writing this. And I got majorly triggered just now as well. On stupid facebook!! I’m telling you…it’s starting to not make sense any more. I can’t afford to give Satan a micron or even a nanometer. (trust me…it’s really small….)
I am moving forward with life and trying not to fear causing others pain. Someone posted a much needed comment on my last post about that. I think that pain is just part of the game. I am going to stay sober one day at a time and that’s the best I can do. I can’t promise myself or anyone else where I’ll be next year….but I can commit to the next 24 hours sober.
This next Sunday….I think I’m going to get my recommend back and I’m more content about it this time. I’m excited about that. I love the power that God has. It is not some mystical phenomena to me. It is real!!!
woop woop!!!
ReplyDeletesuper excited for ya my man.
it always seems the closer i get to important life events the faster and more frequently those fiery darts come flying from the adversary.
its wild how random times and places that are completely unrelated to the addiction can trigger an emotion and that emotion can trigger a response and the temptation from satan on how to respond. i applaud you for staying strong! we can't control what might trigger or what might be a temptation but we always can continue practicing control over our response in the moment.
Man, why is it so hard? I'm with ya about FB. I'm sick of the triggers myself. All over the freaking place.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the good and inspiring work!