Battles today. Lots of battles. People, sometimes we are attacked. Sometimes it is a combination of emotional ‘off-ness’, sometimes it’s triggers. Sometimes it’s something you didn’t plan for. Sometimes it is Satan throwing a cow pie at you just to be funny. I had a therapist tell me that. Not everything that jumps into our heads comes from us….but we do have to deal with what gets in our heads.
I am trying to reach out and stay connected. I called someone and I texted others. I am still feeling the craving. I can feel it tugging at my brain. It is a real thing. It is super annoying and inconvenient.
I confess that I am sick. That I have a major allergy. Sometimes people get colds or headaches. I rarely get those, but sometimes I get lust headaches or lust colds. It makes you physically sick as well.
There is an element of stress involved with how I am feeling. I have a project that I want done at work by Monday. I typically only work M-Th but I am thinking of coming in this Friday. I am using this as an excuse to not work as hard today. I still have a few hours left to make some progress. I can feel the apathy getting in the way as well. That is my insanity. Where I just say “who cares??”
Well….I CARE! I have a lot to live for….alot to be sober for. Not just for the world but for ME.
I just have to keep surrendering. Over and over. Until I fall asleep. There are some days, and the addicts know them, where you wake up feeling triggered and it basically stays that way all day.
I drank a little sewerage this morning and now I have to get it pumped. It makes me sick. I can feel the shame. I can feel the self-hatred. I can feel the frustration and apathy biting at my chest. If these aren’t real feelings I don’t know what are.
Like Nate said, “just keeping swimming…”
I desire to survive today. I DESIRE IT!! I plead that God will let me stay sober. I’m so close. I’m getting my recommend back this Sunday. I know that Satan is trying double hard on me this week.
I have a meeting at 7. Must. Survive. Until. 7.
I hate those days where I wake up a triggering mess and it stays all day. But they always end. It's always a new hour or new day approaching. As my friend Stacey says, "Sometimes I just have to pray, "help! help! help!" And then I'll stuff my ears with good uplifting/spirit-inviting music or listen to a conference talk. Good luck!!! I'm rooting for you to make it until 7!
ReplyDeleteYou can do this! The Lord will help you. Days like these are absolutely miserable to go through, but they are completely joyous when we make it through. I find that on particularly difficult days it helps to shorten my sights a little further. Instead of trying to make it through the day, maybe all I can do is make it through the next hour and see what comes after that.
ReplyDeleteI enjoy reading your blog. I know you are going to make it through this.
You can do this! I've always admired your honesty. Do this for you. God will help you if you let him. Don't give up. You are worth it. -MM
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