I need to write something. I feel sick. Super sick. I feel awful. I am such a selfish narrow-minded addict sometimes. I am calling things out as they are. I'm just so racked with torment right now.
I have utterly betrayed a nice, sweet, spiritual, beautiful girl. I have been just sick to my stomach about it all night. I can’t bear to read these little blog posts I write. I have all these expert strategies and game plans. I can just promise her all this exceptional knowledge that I have and things will be okay. I share and am brave and honest and the real hero…..and things will be okay. Ug. ug ug.
Things are NOT okay. Indulging in porn is NOT okay. It is a vile sin. I know we need to cuddle the addict but seriously, I have been way WAY out of line. Heavenly Father has not been pleased with that. He still loves me infinitely, but I have felt no peace at all today. I’ve been an absolute wreck. He is letting me feel this pain. He is not bringing me peace.
I have MUCH work to do! This is my rude awakening. It is nearly midnight, I’m supposed to be finishing a paper but I can’t think at all.
Ah, this is just plain awful. And she was so nice to me last night. She is trying to handle everything like a champ but I know she must be aching on the inside. Oh I feel so bad. I apologize. It doesn’t take away what I’ve done. I don’t know if it does anything.
I pray and pray and pray that God will take care of her and inspire her to choose what’s best.
I can’t live like this. I can’t be half-baked. Busy or not. This has to END!!! I am losing all connection to reality. Uh. I lead her on so expertly…. Uh. I am all the worst things I swear I’d never do.
Does this torment end??? I HATE THIS ADDICTION. I hate what it does to this world. What a nasty plague. But yet, it is so darn appealing that we throw it all away. We throw our lives away for it.
Day at a time. Moment at a time. I need God’s help. I need help from anyone. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t stay sober by myself. I can’t. I can’t live this busy lifestyle. I want out. I want to be done. And there is not easy road….just the simple principles of recovery. Just have to live them…
Oh i hope and pray she is well. And she had so much to do today. So much schoolwork and all I do is think of myself.... UH!!!
Warrior- I have to disagree with you about something. I don't think God ever withholds his peace from us. It is our own fear, shame, anger that prevent us from feeling his peace. I also believe that peace and pain can coexist. It's okay to feel your pain, pain is a healthy part of mortality. But God will grant you his peace to sustain you through the pain.
ReplyDeleteYou know I love you. Hang in there. And God will sustain her too through her pain. And pain is a healthy part of mortality for her too.
One of my favorite blog posts ever - Read it if you have a minute.
ReplyDelete"God doesn't take away our fears and doubts and anger, we must choose to give them up. And in the process we make room for the peace we were after all along...the Peace that was already there."
http://www.ablogaboutlove.com/2011/11/from-danny-peace-is-closer-than-we.html
Ahh, Warrior, your unsettled emotion is bleeding all over this post. Clearly, you are seeking relief! I sure hope it has started to come.
ReplyDeletePlease recognize the posts you've written before are from the *real* you, too! They are from your heart, and reflect a part of who you are! I mean it. Still, you are right--wouldn't it be nice if "knowledge" and "expertise" in this field of study = ability to withstand? I think it's good you have a game plan though. Think of how many times game plans have rescued you in the past?
So what's your game plan, now?
I love what Jane wrote. God is never far away, especially when it comes to bringing forgiveness and peace -- does that take away all the pain and problems and trials, of course not -- but it lets us better rely on God. God doesn't abandon us in our pain -- He'll let us feel it, and if we ask Him to He'll walk alongside us as we go through it. S. Michael Wilcox has a talk on CD called "The Fourth Watch" -- go check it out from the library and listen to it. On repeat. It has changed my husband's life. He has listened to it at least weekly during his entire 18 month recovery.
ReplyDeleteJust be honest with her. Be honest with God. Things will work out how they need to.
You are amazing. I am so impressed that you are still fighting. I am so thankful that you have found some in who loves you, and sounds like she would be a good partner. As much as this is your personal fight - she sounds like she would help.
ReplyDeleteI am also in a relationship :) and had to have a disclosure yesterday about some of my issues. I understand the feeling of almost wishing they ended it, the pain of being vulnerable is hard! It actually triggered me! But I keep praying, and hoping that as I get use to the vulnerabilities the triggers will subside too.
I pray God will bless you!
No matter how rotten I am, I've never found it helpful to tell myself so. Affirmations work way better.
ReplyDelete