The Break Up

well, she broke up with me.

It was right. She made the wise decision. It was a tough decision for her. This is a humbling moment. For both of us.
And yes, my addiction was a large cause of it.  But not entirely. I suspect that God knows more than us. He knows the big picture.

So we had 'the chat' on Sunday. We went our way. It didn't really sink in for her.  i made sure she consulted as many people as possible.  And i'm super super grateful for you folks out there that consulted with her. She needed that support and people to tell her straight.

Monday she wrote me some emails and some thoughts.  I wrote her an email of what I need to do to work recovery and to maintain sobriety. I wrote her an extensive list of things.  Still, she wasn't quite getting it.  She wrote me a long email Tuesday morning expressing her thoughts on the matter.  She understand how guys view porn and that we crave sex. She gets that.  She writes how there is no way that i am a sex addict becasue I havne't done 'really bad things'.  And for the way that i've treated her.  (i do actually treat girls very well and with alot of respect....except of course for the poor decisions with the addiction) She gets into her rational 'fix it' mode. She thinks we are going to work together. And she'll do anything for me.  She send me emails of things I can try to stay sober. Suggestions. And links. And articles.

I had to lay out more clearly.  I wrote her a long email Tuesday afternoon. I made it clear that this isn't some little habit. This is not just me 'craving females'.  this is a real and very destructive disease.  And I also made it clear that this is my battle to fight and that her involvement is not what makes my recovery.  i need support groups, step work, a sponsor,  a counselor, time, and alot of consistent work.

Tuesday afternoon, it really really sunk in.  This was NOT something that she would be able to handle.  She expressed that and that she needed time to think. We also canceled our plans for Wednesday and also for Thanksgiving.  i had to pitch my mom some story. Luckily her parents were in town so i blamed it on that.
I saw my bishop that night, and he wanted to see us battle this together. I had a knot in my stomach about this. I knew this might be something bigger than our abilities.

Wednesday I didn't hear from her all day.  Work got out early for me due to the holiday. I texted her around 230 pm and we agreed to  meet around 430 to find a quiet place on temple square.  I met her at the reflecting pool. She was already sitting there.  i knew things were going to end. I just knew.

Little was said before. We found a place to sit. She seemed deeply emotional. This was a tough moment for her. she said a short prayer and she jumped right into it.  She expressed how she read my email and consulted with others.  She also prayed. She then expressed with tears in her eyes, that she didn't quite received the answer she wanted, but that she couldn't date me anymore.

It was a hard thing to hear. I know it was hard for her.  She liked me. She would have married me. She told me how she is losing her best friend.  She felt almost guilty and bad for doing this bc i had been so good to her and honest.  I reassured her that she has done nothing wrong in this. She has not. Not one bit. She did precisely what she needed to do.  She made an inspired decision. This was what we both needed. There were absolutely no hard feelings on either side.  She felt immense peace. I did too. I did....even though it was a very large thing to swallow.

I hurt today.  I do.
I am not going to lie or snuff my feelings. I'm grieving a loss.
I have full confidence life will go on. she will do great things. I will do great things.  But under the current circumstances we are not going to continue a relationship or even a friendship.

We agreed to erase each other completely.  No facebook. No phone number. Nothing.  That hurt too.

Before we said our final goodbyes she gave me a poem she wrote that was absolutely beautiful. I think i may have to post it one of these days as a constant reminder.

She feels for me.  As all the women who do for the men they loved.  But she had to be honest with herself.  I always knew a day like this would come.  I am grateful I got dumped.  I needed to feel the consequence of this addiction and of not working recovery.

Today I miss her. I do.  I don't get to visit. or chat with her. Or share things that i'm doing.  Even a commercial today during a football game showed a couple sledding, which was something that we were excited to do together, made me hurt. No christmas trip together. Nothing.  I have a gapping hole now. Seeing my brother with his girlfriend at Thanksgiving hurt.  Having to dodge my mom hurt.  (There's no way i can explain the real reason we broke up. I said it was because she didn't feel right about it.)

I am going to do nothing but recovery now. And service for others.  And things for myself that keep me pure, uplifted, and strong.  Nothing else really matters now. I have been given a great opportunity.


I don't know at this point whether we will cross paths or not.  This relationship didn't end because of things about me and her. It was a good relationship and had real potential.   But maybe God has someone else in mind for her. Or maybe for me. I don't think it even needs to be thought about right now.


I want to sincerely thank all those who have helped and supported me in this.  And all those who supported her as well.  I especially want to thank Pete (funny to say Pete...that's not how i know him)   He called within seconds of us saying our final goodbyes. He has really been a savior to me. Thanks for sharing me your thoughts and stories too.

Satan has been whispering in my ear all day to just take a day off." Go enjoy an act out for once. Because now i can. No one to hurt or report to."  But you know what????  i don't want any of his crap today. Because it DOES matter.  MY CHOICES NOW AFFECT EVERYTHING THAT I DO IN LIFE, PRESENT OR FUTURE.  MY RECOVERY STARTS NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went to a meeting last night and i'm going to one today.  I will do recovery DAILY. The rest of life will have to take place when I have done that.  Recovery is my top priority right now.  Along with doing my job, my calling in church, and serving others.  That is all i want to focus on now.

My sister said something profound yesterday.  By taking a complete break from dating (and I am very serious about it now), I am NOT putting my life on hold.  Addiction and not doing recovery is putting life on hold.  I am preparing for life. But I am still living it.

Day 8 today. One day at a time.