My insanity...back to step 0

I need to write. I need to share some of the harsh realities and lessons I’m going through.  The past two weeks have been some of the most challenging I think I’ve ever had.  I’m exhibiting every attribute of a textbook sex addict.

Shortly after my last super happy and ‘walk in park’ post, I cracked. I self-destructed. My will was broken.  I felt completely defeated. I abandoned all hope.  I went to an SA meeting Monday afternoon right after work. I was feeling every negative emotion that I think my body contains. Anger, rage, frustration, deep sadness and mourning, regret, apathy, remorse, guilt, shame, lonely….you name it.  The whole world was about me.  I sat in this meeting and the range of shares were probably as wide as my emotions. One guy was cracking jokes, one person cried in absolute frustration.  I shared the same.

I get home, feeling good, getting ready to go to bed early and realize that the final paper that I thought was due Thursday was in fact due Tuesday. Hadn’t started.  Oh how angry I was at school!!  OH…..  I am tired of having to stay up late every night trying to write these papers that I just don’t care about.  And my addiction reared its head.  I even made phone calls as I drove up to campus. I texted people.  But tonight….I let lust have its way.  I experienced every emotion as I acted out.  I lost all control.  I felt completely bitter and angry and furious.  I think every resentment that I have stored in my body manifested itself.  It all boiled over. I texted some people after but I was finished. I was done. I didn’t want to do this battle anymore. I was feeling so low that I prayed and told God that I just didn’t care anymore. I had given up.  I’m not much of a quitter but this time….I didn’t really want to keep going.  I don’t think I’d be so bold to go commit suicide but I asked God if he could just let me be done. Take me away.  I don’t want to destroy myself anymore. Let me just salvage what left of myself I have left.

This is how I felt.  This is how desperate and dramatic I get.

Tuesday wasn’t much better.  I ended up not finishing the paper Monday so I was up late last night working on it.  I survived work mainly because it was actually busy.

This morning….I’m still in a daze.  I have still managed to read from the SA White Book every day this week though. I’m still ‘bringing the body’.  I skipped the meeting last night and slept in through this morning’s meeting. Looks like I’ll be in a meeting tonight.

But here’s what I have been reading and I relate so so well to it. This book was written about me, for me.

For most of my life, ‘recovery’ or ‘sobriety’ was based on whether I had willpower and diligence to defeat lust. I can do alright. I can muster enough strength to go sober for maybe a week. And if I have enough good things going on…maybe a month.  That’s about it.  Any stress or life event….I’m toast.

I often say to myself, “well, if only I had a life of zero stress. Zero worries. Zero anything emotional….I could stay sober.”  And that might actually be true. But that’s not life. That’s not how it is here.  I even emailed my parents that as well. I just dumped all over them. Told them everything that I have been feeling. They both seem to more involved in my life right now. More than ever at any time i think.

I’ve been doing some Step 0 writing. There is a list of questions about that. Looking at how much we act out, why, how powerless we are, how compulsive we are.  The reason for my fantasies is because I just plain don’t care for the current situation I am in.  I don’t really like the current version of Warrior. I want to be Warrior the sober champion. The desirable. The honorable and wise. The sponsor of 10 addicts. The loving husband and cool dad.

This week I had to look at myself with the harsh reality….that I don’t have those things. I’m not sober.  I’m great and of worth but I’m not as desirable as I would like to think. I am riddled with character defects. I’m avoiding. I’m not facing my defects/my problems/my pain. I am single. Completely single.  I get intense cravings and day dream that I can go be intimate with some wife or some girl.  Or I simply want to just view some porn.  But the reality is….THERE IS NO GIRL THERE!! There is no relationship. It is all in my head.  There isn’t someone there in my bedroom wanting to have sex with me. There isn’t some new fix that I ‘deserve.’  All I have at the moment is me. Broken, pissed off me.  Well, no wonder I don’t like that scenario!!

Here is what the book says though (follow along in pages 63-72). With the temptations and cravings, I feel that I ‘have to have it!’.  I feel that I’m going to die if I don’t get some of fix. We have seen addicts go through this. What can I do??  I can’t fight lust. Well, I can but I’ll get beat.  We surrender. We turn to someone in the group and talk it out. We bring it to light.  We don’t even do it because we want to. I’ve had plenty of phone calls where I tell someone, “Ok, I’m calling. But I don’t want to. I want to go act out with some porn b/c I had a long day and just don’t care. But I’m making this call.”  And if we talk it out….the craving will pass. Sometimes only for 5 minutes…

The wave hits again. And again. And we keep surrendering. And calling.  This is exhausting. But somehow the craving will pass. In the moment on days like that….You think to yourself that you will be a crazy, insane, out of control addict the rest of your life.  Oh I get so caught up in such thinking.

But when we do get through those moments. We get a reprieve.  JUST A REPRIEVE! A short break is all!!!

And lust is then back at it. 

So how do we sustain any sort of recovery??? Or sobriety??  The book even admits that we can't live under step 0. It is too uncomfortable.

That is what the rest of the 12 steps are for. We need to right our wrongs, sick thinking, bad attitudes, make restitution.  You see…I’m still on step 0. I am STILL coming to the realization of how sick I am. How powerless with my own thinking I am.  I talked to a guy Monday and he asked how long I’ve been going to meeting.  3 years. I’ve been to hundred’s of meetings and I’m on step 0.

0!!!

So my task now is to keeping working the program one step at a time. One after another. I will do so. I don’t have anything else to do.  I don’t even fully believe at the moment. I'm still feel a little hopeless.  I’m going to just go through the motions for now and hope that the spirit catches up.

Can I at least be sober today?? Can I do that?  To be honest, I don’t think that me, Warrior, can do it.  I think with God and the support of the fellowship I can do it. I can only worry about today.

I am so exhausted and tired. Mostly spiritually and emotionally.  But I guess I will eat the ‘green eggs and ham.’ Might at well. 

A Fresh New Start

Today is a new day for me.  I feel a sense of relief. I feel a sense of starting a new journey.  I have the feeling I get when I pull up to a trailhead. Park my car. Grab my day pack. Take in a deep breath.  And start hiking.  I love it. I love that feeling.

I love hiking on trails I’ve never done before. I don’t know what challenges I’ll face. I don’t know if it will be steep in some places or flat.  Usually, all I know is that I can see the summit. Or at least know that the summit is my goal.  For the majority of the trip, you can’t really see the summit but you know it’s there. You get glimpses of it between different bends. Often the final scramble is the most grueling.  The rocks get jagged and steep.  The air gets thin.  But the end is more visible. The summit is right there!!  And you push and push and you reach the top!!!  Super exhilarating.  And you sit there. And feel kinda good. Relax. Eat a granola bar. Take some photos. But after only a few minutes….you head back down the mountain.  The real adventure was the views, the nature, the Moose you saw, the final scramble, running out of water, laughing with your buddies, praying to God, and feeling the power of the natural world.

(from my Kings Peak hike summer 2012)

So me and the ex-girlfriend are saying goodbye. Again.  Yep, she broke up with me on November 27^th. It was an inspired decision. It was a difficult one to make.  We felt peace that night about it.

We have since emailed each other a few times….trying to see what role we can have in each other’s lives.  We have debated whether to work for a greater goal of maybe getting back together.  Then it was maybe in a year’s time.

I didn’t feel good about any of that.  It is exhausting trying to decide. It is exhausting trying to get 365 days sober. I can’t do that. I can only be sober today. I can’t worry about relationships or girls or getting back together.  Sorry, I have limited energies and right now….they aren’t going towards that. I wrote her an email this morning and asked for closure. I am an eagle who needs to fly away and she has to let me. It is what we decided originally. It is what brings peace now.

I can’t live in the future. I can’t even have a future goal. Sorry. My goal is to be sober today.  That is it.  If I can’t be sober today then what the heck does the future matter??  All those nice goals of a wife and kids and homestead and nice job….all that goes out the window if I’m not sober today.

All I have left to do now is go to recovery meetings, do whatever my sponsor says, go to therapy, go to my job, and find meaningful things to do on the weekends. I’m totally okay with all this.

I am probably going to be grieving for the next little while.  I feel good now. But Satan will attack. He will.  The submarine has been torpedoed and the debris will float to the surface. It always does. And I’ll just have to deal with it when it does.

This is not necessarily a punishment or a setback. It is just life.  This is just my journey. 

I just have to commit to it.

In terms of the steps, I starting writing in my journal and answering questions from ‘Step into Action’.  Step 0.  Sifting out why I act out and why I fantasize.  It is a start. It is small but it is what I can swallow.  I called my sponsor last night and we are just going to move forward.  My semester of classes ended and this week all final projects are due. 

Juggling the holidays will be rough.  I’m actually bummed that I’m going to have to miss recovery meetings in order to be with the family on the 24^th and the 25^th.  It is going to be tricky having to leave the house in the evenings in order to go to meetings.  Maybe I’ll tell my mom so that she understands where I am. 

What's the deal with masturbation??

http://awiferedeemed.blogspot.com/2013/12/whats-big-deal-about-masturbation.html

I'm just going to put Harriet's post here.

Read the quote by CS Lewis. I have heard this before and i think it hits it right on the money.



Dealing with 'MB' is certainly a difficult one.  Here is what I have done to deal with it. 

• Work recovery
• Manage emotions
• lots of prayer
• lots of phone calls and contacts

That easy!!  Not really.  Even last night, I was working on the action steps of Step 1. I had just gotten back from a solid recovery meeting and was pondering/writing ideas.  I was connecting with my sponsor and also another group member.  And then while praying I had a major urge to masturbate. Intensely.  AND I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF PRAYING!!  Good grief Satan, can't you ever leave me be?? No. I guess he cannot.

Well, I have even had to change the way i pray.  I kneel in the middle of my room. And have to completely clear my mind. 

Day at a time! Don't give up! Don't stop believing in the principles of recovery!!

Therapy Session #1

Alright, I need to write some more honestly feelings.  This morning's post wasn't too positive.  This whole addiction is getting out of hand and I can feel the 'unmanageability.'

This is what we confess to ourselves in the first step...that we are whipped and that we can't beat this addiction with willpower alone.  We simply cannot.  I'm sorry but if I'm one on one with Lust, I lose. Every time.

I went to a therapy session tonight.  I sit down. I tell the guy my story and where i'm at right now.  He sees several things right off the bat.

I've grown up most my life trying to perform and produce results.  Emotions and effort were simply not as important.  You get A's. You serve in the church. You do. You accomplish. And honestly, i've done pretty well. I have accomplished quite a bit.  Feeling emotion or saying to yourself 'yay you did great today...great effort Warrior...you are such a great person' was not part of my game plan.  It didn't matter the effort if results were not being produced.

But this is something that the therapist pointed out.....this addiction is being lost on the emotional level.  I have never truly faced the addiction head on.  I have avoided.  I have 'thinking errors' as he states.  I minimize the gravity of this addiction thinking that I am getting 'better' when in reality....I am not.  Stacey A made a comment about this.  Simply praying and then reaching for the fix is just not going to work.

I can't guard myself or escape from the weight of the emotional pain. I don't like to deal with it or cope with it. These seems to be the underlying issue.  I totally understood this last year. I was able to really work recovery when I was able to MANAGE THE EMOTIONS. This is single handedly the main thing for me. The therapist is having me set a fixed time, twice a day, where i pause, feel my emotions, and then write them down. State them out. Negative and Positive.


So the therapist (the director of the program actually) wants to try something with me.  He wants to put with with a female therapist around my age.  At first I was like, "what the heck"  But his reasoning was that it would require me to be with someone where I'd have to face being ashamed or embarrassed.  I can share with someone who isn't going to reject me or shame me.  Sure, we don't want to baby the addict right? Hold their hand? And validate them??  We can't do that.  We need to punish them! We need to whip their sorry butts into shape!!  I get that.  But shaming and making the addict feel like crap DOES NOT HELP! It doesn't one bit.

Another main thing that we are going to work on is SELF-LOVE. I try to love others and be all nice and all that....but I don't have much self-love.
The therapist said that we are going to redefine long-term success for me.  (i asked him what he meant by 'long-term success')  It is going to be the measure of how much I can love myself after a slip or relapse. Even more than the number of days sober.

Yeah, I kinda balked at that. I want results. I want length of sobriety.  But he feels that learning to do recovery on an emotional level is more appropriate for me.  I think I'm just going to trust this guy.
I meet with the female therapist in two weeks and then when school is out I'll be doing group therapy at their clinic every Tuesday night.  (this is going to get pricey....but honestly i have the money and it is totally worth it and what does it matter......WE HAVE TO BE WILLING TO GO THROUGH ANY LENGTHS)


Also chatted with my new sponsor tonight.  He is a good man. And a kind one.  He is all about being consistent and working dailies.  He is having me commit to 2 things that I will do daily. I thought of a few but the ones that I want to do are the following:

1. Make 2 calls every day during the daytime.  One around 10 am and one call around 2/3 pm 
2. Read one page or piece of recovery literature every day.  (The therapist wants me to read a certain book over the next two weeks....)

Well, there's the plan.  I have much work to do.  But I commit to doing it.  But i need not run faster than I have strength. This is an Ironman not a sprint triathlon.  Gotta keep the heart rate at a reasonable spot and keep a good, steady pace!!

Beginning recovery all over again...

Monday morning. Another week of work.

This past week was rough. Yes, it was just plain rough.  I am so full of every emotion right now ranging from the negative to the positive.

I am feeling hopeful. I am grateful that I now have a new determination. I am glad that I have time to focus on finishing my semester strong. I am glad that I now have nothing to do except go to meetings every night. No desire to see friends. No desire to do much else. I wish I could go to meetings all day every day.  I am relieved of certain stresses. I am choosing to be positive and forward thinking as much as possible.

I am frustrated. To the point that I yelled while driving to work this morning. I am pissed. Furious. I miss what I have lost. I am full of regret and remorse. I feel hatred and bitterness. I feel hopeless and exhausted. I feel violent.

It is what it is.  I am desperately trying to surrender the negative and cling to the positive. What ridiculous internal conflict! And I have so few people that I can talk to. People don’t seem to care.  Unless they are my bishop or a fellow addict.  I think fellow addicts are my favorite people right now.  I visited my brother yesterday. I told him that I wanted to talk about why we broke up and also that I have an addiction. (he doesn't know).  Instead, he talked the ENTIRE time. All about himself and his girlfriend that he wants to dump. Forget it...how am i supposed to open up to people who don't give a shiz.

And I’m full of a lot of tough feelings towards my mom today. She didn’t take the news that I broke up so lightly. Of course she wants to chat and know all the reasons.  I had to avoid her all week.

I get an email this morning and the first thing she asks is “Did you tell her about your past habit? Is it still a problem? If you are still involved with it, get rid of it. Forsake it. Hate it like the plague. It’s poison to the soul. Repent!”

She then says I need to fight for the girl. And not let her get away. And step up my efforts with her. “be the man here and get her back.”

 Luckily, I'm too numb to really care. I send her a short response back. "thank mom for your concern and input.  She broke up with me. It was her choice. I don't expect or need you to understand."

I think I am a patient person based of my mother. There is no one on this planet more difficult than her.  I simply CANNOT have her involved on this. I can’t dodge her forever because she won’t be satisfied until I tell her how I am feeling and what happened. She is relentless.

And yes, I should just stop. Forsake. And be done.  Why can’t I do that??  (I’m being cynical now).  But in theory, stopping should be easy. I should just stop looking at anything pornographic and just marry a nice girl and create a family and not live with any struggles.

Why isn’t it so easy?  Don't i know how wrong it is?? Don't I want this girl more than I want hot girls that don't know i exist?  Don't I know that lusting at a woman's body is wrong?? It's so simple!!!!

Why do I have to be consumed with lustful thoughts day in and day out?

Why do I want SO BADLY to masturbate over ANTYHING slightly lustful?? Can't i get a break?? Do i really have to be so sexual?? Aren't there other things in life besides sexual stuff?

Why do I do this over and over and over and over and over and over and over?

Don’t I get tired of it??  Is there really some new sensation? Is the next porn image going to be better?

In the past 5 days, I have gone to 5 12-step meetings. I’m going to go to 120 in the next 120 days. I don’t care about anything else.  I also got a chance to see Sidreis and Tim at an SA meeting out in Provo.  (though I didn’t really get a chance to talk to them.)

 I also have acted out/relapsed (whatever you want to call it) every day for the past 5 days.  I can’t handle all these emotions. I can’t.

I can’t be on a computer right now. Not even to do anything. I go straight to youtube and act out. It’s so automatically its ridiculous. Doesn't matter if i'm on for only 1 minute. Doesn't matter if i pray beforehand or call someone to tell them on getting on. I'm going straight to porn. Like a 2 year old who wants a cookie. They just go for it and eat it. What else matters? 

Here’s my morning. Wake up at 4 am.  Fall on my knees and say a good 3 minute long prayer. I plead with God to let me stay sober. I beg him to give me some sort of idea of what I need to do today to win. I do some pushups to get my brain and body moving. I read my scriptures for 30 minutes. I ponder. I use a study guide. Solid study! I pray again thanking God for my study.  I then read a book on positive thinking for another 15 minutes. Great study! And then I begin working on a reading for a presentation I’m doing in tomorrow night’s class.  All is well!   And while in my room writing notes, the computer is tempting me. I am starting to hate this silver, metallic portal to hell.  I am attacked. And attacked.  My whole body wants release and to act out.  I pray. It seems like no use. So I pull it out and turn it on. And find something to view. And lose.

JUST LIKE THAT!!!!!!!   WHAT THE H!!!!  I DISABLED THE INTERNET ALL DAY SATURDAY AND SUNDAY.  i DIDN'T THINK ABOUT MONDAY MORNING!!! Lust is just too dang clever for me!!

Lust is like a bully that just beats me up whenever it wants. I appear to have no say in the matter.  I can say to lust “I don’t want to act out today. I just want to be sober.”  Lust says “pull out the computer and act out.”  Even if I resist….it beats me. It pounds me. Then helps me up. Then pushes me down again.  I'll call on my big brother. He'll come. Tell Lust to leave. He does. Then big brother has to do other things. Lust comes back and beats me up again.

I’m stumped.  I’m going to just keep doing the actions of recovery and hope that it sticks.  At this point, I’m just willing to do whatever. 

I got a temp sponsor last night as well. We’re going to chat tonight.

I’m also starting therapy tonight as well.  I’m going to tell them everything and accept whatever they tell me. I’m so addicted and defeated that I’ll bathe in a nasty river 7 times if I have to.

I’m so powerless over this I don’t know what else to do.  Damned if I do. Damned if I don’t.

But I refuse to quit.

I’ll just keep bashing my head against the brick wall. Maybe after 50 years the brick walls will crumble (not because I bashed it) but because walls eventually crumble after 50 years.