A Fresh New Start

Today is a new day for me.  I feel a sense of relief. I feel a sense of starting a new journey.  I have the feeling I get when I pull up to a trailhead. Park my car. Grab my day pack. Take in a deep breath.  And start hiking.  I love it. I love that feeling.

I love hiking on trails I’ve never done before. I don’t know what challenges I’ll face. I don’t know if it will be steep in some places or flat.  Usually, all I know is that I can see the summit. Or at least know that the summit is my goal.  For the majority of the trip, you can’t really see the summit but you know it’s there. You get glimpses of it between different bends. Often the final scramble is the most grueling.  The rocks get jagged and steep.  The air gets thin.  But the end is more visible. The summit is right there!!  And you push and push and you reach the top!!!  Super exhilarating.  And you sit there. And feel kinda good. Relax. Eat a granola bar. Take some photos. But after only a few minutes….you head back down the mountain.  The real adventure was the views, the nature, the Moose you saw, the final scramble, running out of water, laughing with your buddies, praying to God, and feeling the power of the natural world.

(from my Kings Peak hike summer 2012)

So me and the ex-girlfriend are saying goodbye. Again.  Yep, she broke up with me on November 27^th. It was an inspired decision. It was a difficult one to make.  We felt peace that night about it.

We have since emailed each other a few times….trying to see what role we can have in each other’s lives.  We have debated whether to work for a greater goal of maybe getting back together.  Then it was maybe in a year’s time.

I didn’t feel good about any of that.  It is exhausting trying to decide. It is exhausting trying to get 365 days sober. I can’t do that. I can only be sober today. I can’t worry about relationships or girls or getting back together.  Sorry, I have limited energies and right now….they aren’t going towards that. I wrote her an email this morning and asked for closure. I am an eagle who needs to fly away and she has to let me. It is what we decided originally. It is what brings peace now.

I can’t live in the future. I can’t even have a future goal. Sorry. My goal is to be sober today.  That is it.  If I can’t be sober today then what the heck does the future matter??  All those nice goals of a wife and kids and homestead and nice job….all that goes out the window if I’m not sober today.

All I have left to do now is go to recovery meetings, do whatever my sponsor says, go to therapy, go to my job, and find meaningful things to do on the weekends. I’m totally okay with all this.

I am probably going to be grieving for the next little while.  I feel good now. But Satan will attack. He will.  The submarine has been torpedoed and the debris will float to the surface. It always does. And I’ll just have to deal with it when it does.

This is not necessarily a punishment or a setback. It is just life.  This is just my journey. 

I just have to commit to it.

In terms of the steps, I starting writing in my journal and answering questions from ‘Step into Action’.  Step 0.  Sifting out why I act out and why I fantasize.  It is a start. It is small but it is what I can swallow.  I called my sponsor last night and we are just going to move forward.  My semester of classes ended and this week all final projects are due. 

Juggling the holidays will be rough.  I’m actually bummed that I’m going to have to miss recovery meetings in order to be with the family on the 24^th and the 25^th.  It is going to be tricky having to leave the house in the evenings in order to go to meetings.  Maybe I’ll tell my mom so that she understands where I am.