Therapy Session #1

Alright, I need to write some more honestly feelings.  This morning's post wasn't too positive.  This whole addiction is getting out of hand and I can feel the 'unmanageability.'

This is what we confess to ourselves in the first step...that we are whipped and that we can't beat this addiction with willpower alone.  We simply cannot.  I'm sorry but if I'm one on one with Lust, I lose. Every time.

I went to a therapy session tonight.  I sit down. I tell the guy my story and where i'm at right now.  He sees several things right off the bat.

I've grown up most my life trying to perform and produce results.  Emotions and effort were simply not as important.  You get A's. You serve in the church. You do. You accomplish. And honestly, i've done pretty well. I have accomplished quite a bit.  Feeling emotion or saying to yourself 'yay you did great today...great effort Warrior...you are such a great person' was not part of my game plan.  It didn't matter the effort if results were not being produced.

But this is something that the therapist pointed out.....this addiction is being lost on the emotional level.  I have never truly faced the addiction head on.  I have avoided.  I have 'thinking errors' as he states.  I minimize the gravity of this addiction thinking that I am getting 'better' when in reality....I am not.  Stacey A made a comment about this.  Simply praying and then reaching for the fix is just not going to work.

I can't guard myself or escape from the weight of the emotional pain. I don't like to deal with it or cope with it. These seems to be the underlying issue.  I totally understood this last year. I was able to really work recovery when I was able to MANAGE THE EMOTIONS. This is single handedly the main thing for me. The therapist is having me set a fixed time, twice a day, where i pause, feel my emotions, and then write them down. State them out. Negative and Positive.


So the therapist (the director of the program actually) wants to try something with me.  He wants to put with with a female therapist around my age.  At first I was like, "what the heck"  But his reasoning was that it would require me to be with someone where I'd have to face being ashamed or embarrassed.  I can share with someone who isn't going to reject me or shame me.  Sure, we don't want to baby the addict right? Hold their hand? And validate them??  We can't do that.  We need to punish them! We need to whip their sorry butts into shape!!  I get that.  But shaming and making the addict feel like crap DOES NOT HELP! It doesn't one bit.

Another main thing that we are going to work on is SELF-LOVE. I try to love others and be all nice and all that....but I don't have much self-love.
The therapist said that we are going to redefine long-term success for me.  (i asked him what he meant by 'long-term success')  It is going to be the measure of how much I can love myself after a slip or relapse. Even more than the number of days sober.

Yeah, I kinda balked at that. I want results. I want length of sobriety.  But he feels that learning to do recovery on an emotional level is more appropriate for me.  I think I'm just going to trust this guy.
I meet with the female therapist in two weeks and then when school is out I'll be doing group therapy at their clinic every Tuesday night.  (this is going to get pricey....but honestly i have the money and it is totally worth it and what does it matter......WE HAVE TO BE WILLING TO GO THROUGH ANY LENGTHS)


Also chatted with my new sponsor tonight.  He is a good man. And a kind one.  He is all about being consistent and working dailies.  He is having me commit to 2 things that I will do daily. I thought of a few but the ones that I want to do are the following:

1. Make 2 calls every day during the daytime.  One around 10 am and one call around 2/3 pm 
2. Read one page or piece of recovery literature every day.  (The therapist wants me to read a certain book over the next two weeks....)

Well, there's the plan.  I have much work to do.  But I commit to doing it.  But i need not run faster than I have strength. This is an Ironman not a sprint triathlon.  Gotta keep the heart rate at a reasonable spot and keep a good, steady pace!!