Weekend Battles (and victories)

I need to get some negative stuff out.  I feel like I’m barely hanging on sometimes. I’d like to think I’d be some sort of expert on this lust addiction stuff but I am not.

I’m super weak emotionally. I realize it more and more as I stay sober. The White Book talks about this and I am seeing it lately.

When we remove the lust/porn/MB/fantasy, we think we will just have it so much easier. But the reality is that I have years of frustration and emotional damage that I just don’t know what to do with.  Some moments I am so angry and violent and I don’t even know why.

Here is an example:

I went to the temple Saturday night. It was a pretty packed session.  I was having a good day. Went to a meeting in the morning. Did service in the afternoon that involved making art crafts with kids. (I absolutely love little kids…). Did a hard 2 hour work out.

Well, the session was full of so many very attractive girls. Good grief, so many good looking LDS girls in this world.  I had to keep my focus.  I started to resent them.  I was sitting in the chapel. Alone. And watching these guys get to sit next to their beautiful wives. I resented the guys too.  Bc somehow they got to win the heart of these beauties.  They are OBVIOUSLY worthy so maybe they don’t have to deal with a sex/porn/lust addiction every day of their lives. Maybe they are lying. Who knows?

Then the new video. I will spare details for reasons that what occurs in the temple is very sacred.  But I was resenting the video too and the young couple in it. So darn happy! They got ‘punished’ and they are all emotional yet happy about it.

I was cringing the whole time.

I get to the final room of the ceremony and everyone is in groups. All the handsome guys with their very attractive wives.  I sit alone.

I try to be strong but honestly, I hate it.  Sometimes I just hate the fact that I am a freaking addict. I hate being alone now.  I like to choose to be alone every once in a while, but golly it’s tough when it’s how I have to be all the time now.  But this is what I must endure. This is part of my recovery and making my amends to the world.

Well, I had a little chat with God while in there.  Because not a single thing any other person in that room was doing….was a bad thing. No one was trying to hurt me.   The hurt and resentment was all me. It was in my head.

I had to have God remove it.

I call someone, we chat. I call my mom even and that semi helped.

I get home and I’m still just off.  OFF. And I get out my journal and write it out, but I wanted to be mindless. I wanted to stop thinking and feeling.  The temptation to go upstairs goes through my head. I know that I can’t.  It is my boundary.  I go upstairs anyway. I turn it on.  I start watching Rocky IV. Right during the final stretch when Rocky is training to fight the Russian.

Then it goes to commercial. And I change channels. And there is a workout informercial on and some show with immodest girls on the Spanish channel.

I’m done. I’m out. I can’t handle this stuff.  I turn it off. Now I’m pissed at myself for being so foolish and careless.

More surrender. More journal writing. I text some people telling them what I just did.  More prayer and then I just fall asleep.

Sunday was a great day. So glad I stayed sober, because church was just really nice. Recovery has gotta be the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Last night I have disturbing, anxious, violent, and frustrating dreams.  No reprieve sometimes. Am I getting stronger from all this??