I'm a bit full of emotion today. I had a good chat with the bishop last night. I was with my girl right before. She knew i had the appointment. I even talked her into coming and waiting outside his office. (seriously, this girl is absolutely amazing.) The bishop is going to give me the recommend back this sunday. I haven't had a renewed recommend in 3 years. And I haven't been in a temple in a year.
Afterward, I sort of broke down. I have lived with the mindset that life is about doing your duty and living with pain. Being worthy was never an option....I was simply an addict.
Now, apparently the bishop thinks I am worthy enough. Apparently God feels so too. But I still don't quite feel it. I struggle to forgive myself. (i've done horrible things) My girl feels I am worthy too. She can feel it. (girls do have this sense...Maurice calls it the creepy guy detector)
I am so glad she was there to support me. I still struggle with the fears that she is going to end up in recovery meetings, crying for hours, seeing therapists, comtemplating leaving me.
I have to surrender those fears...they don't have to be reality! I don't have to be a victim to this addiction anymore!! I can't panic or I will lose. For some reason, accepting forgiveness and healing is difficult. (don't we want this to be healed??)
Day 54 today. One. Day. At. A. Time. Writing this out makes me feel much better.
I don't even know you and I'm so proud of you!
ReplyDeleteTotally cheering for you. And the girl.
another cheer leader over here. My husband saw the bishop last night too. He got his recommend back, The bishop asked me if I thought he was ready I told him it wasn't my deal it is between him and the Lord. But he has been clean for 4 months, And I am excited to go to the temple with him again. Tired of going alone. Keep it up you can do this. yippee for AWESOME girl!
ReplyDeleteCongratulations.
ReplyDeleteI also struggle with the guilt and not forgiving myself. I have done such horrible things and it feels like it's not right that I should be forgiven (I love how Alma says he wishes he could be extinct). The Lord has helped me to realize that those feelings are from Satan, not Him. He only has love for us, and I need to trust Him.
One thing that helped me was a talk by James Ferrell (http://svu.edu/mp3/2008-06-06-james-ferrell.mp3) that emphasized how we are all separated from God, no matter how much or how little we have sinned. We all have to come to Him, humble and with a broken heart. If the feelings don't lead us to that, they don't come from Him.
I always believed that the atonement would work for me after I had conquered my addiction, but only recently have I realized that I can't conquer my addiction until I allow the atonement to work for me.
I loved this "I always believed that the atonement would work for me after I had conquered my addiction, but only recently have I realized that I can't conquer my addiction until I allow the atonement to work for me."
DeleteMy husband handed over his temple recommend last month. It'll be months and months before he has one again. He'll miss my sister's wedding, and possibly his own. We are both kicking ourselves for taking the temple for granted. He's being as supportive as possible for me to get there as often as I can while he can't, and after each of his Friday night meetings, he stops off at the nearest temple and walks the grounds.
Go there, bask in the goodness of God, His mercy and His love for you. :-)
His own sister's wedding, not his own :-)
Deletethanks for the comments everyone. I got my recommend today..well, i just need to stake president to sign it wednesday. @some body: i began that talk. (it's a bit long). Forgiving oneself is a long, difficult process at times.
ReplyDeleteI'm slow reading blogs, so today I say CONGRATS on DAY 58! (Go give Your Girl a hug and a kiss huh?)
ReplyDeleteHusband has lost and found his recommend more than once, and every time he gets it back he feels strongly that he needs to go - but he rarely makes the time to go. So advice from Husband? Go! Go while you can! Go and get your angels! Because they'll keep you able to go again.