So I am learning some things in recovery. Not necessarily things I have never known before but things that are becoming more apparent. I went on a real fun trip this past weekend. A 5 day backpacking trip with some buddies. I had some good time to ponder while in some beautiful scenery. I definitely felt God's love and presence.
I was chatting with my girlfriend last night. (we are hitting our 3 month mark dating this weekend....not a big deal to some but this is the longest relationship I have ever stuck with...and I'm 27.) Kinda out of no where she starts talking about some of the "talks" she had over the weekend while I was gone. I knew that she had discussed things with her mom and also her sister n law. This time she had a long chat with her older brother. (I am refering to her talking about dating a boy who is an addict). Her brother is a very spiritual person and actually works in a respectable position for the Church. But even he is not immune to the plagues of P/M, so he was able to give her some sound advice. She also had a thorough chat with her bishop.
At first, I was bothered. Not so much about her getting some support. I have seen from reading everyone's blogs that women HAVE to bond and connect with other women. I am okay with all that. But b/c it is such an unpleasant thing to talk about. It just bothers me. This girl has alot of faith and confidence in me. I have been really good to be open and to share and allow her to be apart of this. We both know that she can't fix it or really do anything, but she likes to feel involved. I am beginning to see that women want to fight the battles together. They want to know what we are feeling. They want to know when we struggle. They don't need to know the details, but updates.
Anyway, I am going through step 2 right now in the program and have been thinking alot about God restoring me to sanity. I am struggling with this. I don't know what I expect him to do. I have spent the past several years trying to run my life like a well-oiled business. I have schemes and plans and schedules and lists of my triggers and how to react in every situation. I do quite well in most every area of my life. But the idea of letting God work his magic on me, I am at a loss. I like to track progress. Maybe that's why I like the "days of sobriety". It is a number. Just like I know what my mile split is in a 5K. Or I like to know how long my hike is...10.1 miles or 5.5 miles round trip. And what's the elevation change. And what's my projected heart rate. Or in school...when is a project due...what is my grade...what are the test scores. But with recovery...how do you gauge it?? I still feel like I need another 6 months of solid sobriety before I can forgive myself and fully love myself. I don't feel like I have 'earned' it. I don't get the award or get to stand on the podium until I have trained and raced hard enough. But my thought this weekend was that life is not all about results. It is not about the days clean!! It is about the efforts. It is about your heart, your desires, your humility, your surrenders, your opening your heart to God.
Well my girl is super wise and perceptive. She tells me how she knows that God loves her no matter what. There is no earning His love. Even forgiveness. She says that I have already received it. The atonement is already done. God will heal us and fast as we will let him. That is a concept that I am still trying to accept. Forgiveness can be instanteous. No, the addiction doens't go away. Triggers don't. Temptations don't. Recovery doesn't. But we can accept today/right now that God loves us unconditionally!
I think that will be my next big break through....accepting that I can be forgiven, that I can forgive myself, that God loves me, and that I love myself. I really feel that when I know those things in my head and in my heart....I will be able to make better progress with loving others and especially this girl.
As I drove away (at like midnight....I get up at 6 am), I felt like I may possibly am starting to love this girl. Which is also something I have never experienced. My body and heart still resist it. I have created sophisticated walls to defend myself from love....they are even specially designed to be Warrior-proof. So now I am letting this girl and also God break the walls down. While I held her in my arms with our very long goodnights...I could honestly tangibly feel walls cracking and breaking down in my chest.
One day at a time. Always ONE DAY AT A TIME. Day 82 for me today. And that's all I can do.
Nice one. I can't really explain what it's like to read this. What it's like to see that what goes on in your head is SO different than what I assume goes on in the head of addicts. I know they say actions speak louder than words, but I feel like that isn't fair in situations of addiction. I feel like words don't get enough credit because the actions are SO LOUD. I guess that's just part of the battle. Anyway, great words.
ReplyDeleteI am terrified of telling one person everything about me. I guess I just don't have confidence that she will love me despite all of that. And it definitely has to do with my ability to forgive myself.
ReplyDeleteStill a long way to go, but I do love to read Alma's conversion in Alma 36. He had gone about trying to destroy the church, and in the instant that he asked for mercy, he was forgiven. I believe it, I guess I need to believe it applies to me.
The great thing is the Atonement is real and powerful and is in effect every moment. Let it have full effect and go forward with faith, forgive yourself...God's magic is the only magic that works.
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